Paradoxical Intention
by Stormseeker
Summary: My attempt at a slightly different take on the AuronxRikku theme. Chapter 23 is up, please R&R. Sorry for the delay. Real life sucks.
1. First Impressions

Chapter 1 

When I regained my consciousness, I realized immediately that I wasn't alone. The sound of heavy footfalls reached me long before their owner. Though my vision was still clouded from my recent encounter with my cousin's guardians, I could make out the form of a single person approaching along the shoreline. I closed my eyes and set my head back down, not wanting to betray myself to my visitor. The footsteps grew slower and slightly more regular as the stranger came upon my position.

A familiar voice issued from the visitor, filled with excitement and incredulity, "You're...not dead!" That voice, where had I heard it before?

I sensed no immediate danger from the voice's owner, so I stood as rapidly as my body would allow. I shook my head one final time to clear my vision and finally identified Tidus standing in front of me. How was I going to explain myself to him? I shed the wetsuit, goggles, and the rest of my swim gear as I frantically searched for something, anything to say.

"Thought I was done for, back there," was all I managed. Fatigue overtook me again and I sank to my knees.

"Rikku! You're Rikku!" Familiarity flooded his gaze and his voice, then relief. Maybe he wasn't going to interrogate me, after all. "Hey! You're okay! How have you been?"

Unbelievable! Not fifteen minutes ago we had been opponents in the battle over Yuna! If I had been a follower of Yevon, I'd have thanked him for encountering Tidus first, instead of Yuna's other likely shocked and bewildered guardians. I shook my head slowly. "Terrible..."

Tidus hunched down to address me at eye level. "Yeah, you don't look so good. What happened?" So he hadn't been able to put it all together. Thank goodness!

There was no getting around it. Best to tell the truth, I figured. "You beat me up, remember?"

Tidus was visibly shocked and lost his balance, falling backward. "Huh?" He got to his feet again and scratched his head. "Oh! That machina...that was you?" He sounded as though he didn't quite believe that the Rikku he knew was capable of such a thing. And maybe I hadn't been...at least until I had been charged by my father with keeping my cousin safe.

"That really hurt, you know. You big meanie!" That caught him off guard and I seized the opportunity to regain my feet. It really had hurt. I regretted not packing a potion or two on the off chance the mission went badly. It never occurred to me that I might fail, I mean, I never have before...

"W-wait. But you attacked us!" Tidus accused.

I shook my head. "It's not exactly what you think." I looked to my right and prepared to make a hasty exit, should the need arise. Yuna and her guardians were approaching on foot. There would be no escape. Time to make the best of a bad situation.

Luckily, Tidus stuck up for me when the rest of the group arrived. After a round of introductions, I managed to get Yuna's attention. She and her black mage companion, Lulu, took me off to the side, where I explained as much as I could without betraying my father's plans for rescuing the summoners. There was no way I could dissuade Yuna from her pilgrimage, so we agreed the best way for me to protect her was to join the ranks of her guardians, once they got the okay from their de facto leader.

Yuna approached the group hesitantly. What was there to be afraid of? It was her pilgrimage after all, and she could make whomever she chose a guardian, couldn't she? Yunie looked down, then deferentially addressed one member of the group in particular. I glanced at the man, and immediately understood the reason for the change in her behavior.

He was an imposing, almost fearsome presence. My gaze swept over him from the ground up noting the heavy boots, dark pants, and thick red coat he wore over the sturdy, well muscled frame of a warrior. I was mildly surprised when I saw his face for the first time. His dark hair was combed back away from a face that was as much hidden by his high collar and dark glasses as his neutral expression. A curious, deep scar marred the skin of his forehead and disappeared beneath the dark glasses. Nothing, however could hide the faint frown lines that creased his brow and radiated from the corners of his covered eyes. Wisps of gray upset the perfect obsidian of his hair at the temples. The whole of his presence suggested a man of vast experience and knowledge, but with much to hide as well.

"Sir Auron," Yunie began, "I would like Rikku to be my guardian."

The man in red, the one she'd addressed as Auron began to step toward me. My first instinct was to back away from him, but something made me hold my ground. I...wanted to impress him, I had no idea why, but I didn't want him to think me weak, or pronounce me unworthy.

He now stood toe to toe with me and fixed his gaze on me. My apprehension got the better of me. I broke eye contact, glanced down, and closed my eyes, hoping - praying for the moment to pass.

"Show me your face," he instructed me.

I heard his words, and tried to comply, but was frozen.

"Look at me," he said in the same level voice he'd used before.

"Oh, okay," I responded meekly, tilting my head upward, but keeping my eyes closed.

I thought I detected a faint hint of annoyance in his voice when he spoke next. "Open your eyes," he said.

I obeyed, and opened my left eye - not wanting to try his patience further. His penetrating gaze locked on me once more and I could feel him searching me. At this angle, I was able to see underneath the dark glasses that had obscured his eyes from a distance. The scar I'd noticed on his forehead continued downward through where his right eye should have been, but instead sealed the lid shut over the empty socket. His good eye was deep brown and unrelenting in its intensity. I had the unmistaken and uneasy impression that he saw more with that single eye than most of the rest of us saw with our two.

What was he searching for, anyway? Did he think I would betray Yuna? Did he believe me to be a threat to her safety? A liability to the group? The last angered me as the possbility went through my mind. What right had he to pass judgement on me? What was his connection to my cousin, and why did she obey him without question? At once, Auron changed from authority figure to rival in my mind - a mystery to unravel and an opponent to defeat. I was up for a challenge...that is...if he allowed me to accompany them...No doubt he already knew more about me than I knew about him, but that would change, I told my self resolutely.

"As I thought," he concluded simply. As I thought! That was all he had to say after subjecting me to this?

I fought the urge to shout. Not that my body would have allowed me. Something about him compelled obedience. "Um...no good?" was all I could manage. I was forced to play the game by his rules at the moment.

But he did not say no. "Are you certain?"

He was going to let me go, after all! Some of my opposition to him faded, and I found myself according him a grudging respect. My eagerness got the better of me.

"One hundred percent! So anyway, can I?"

"If Yuna wishes it," replied Auron.

"Yes, I do," Yuna said.

With that, Auron released me from his merciless gaze, turned and walked away. So he wasn't in complete control of the operation, I noted. That would be good to know later on, when the time came to convince Yuna to give up the pilgrimage. I had no intention of letting this mysterious, calculating Auron drag Yunie to her doom. My father had entrusted me with protecting her from the fate that befell summoners who completed their pilgrimage. He had finally begun to treat me as the adult I was becoming instead of the child I was afraid he'd always see me as. Yet, all Auron had to do was look at me and all my adult composure, all my maturity, all my perspective was gone. With one gaze, he had been able to deflate my ego and reduce me to the child I feared I still remained. I tried to convince myself that I would prove him wrong, that I would win, and that Yuna would not have to go to her death to save Spira from its fate.


	2. Cracks in the Facade

Chapter 2 

We took an hour by the water's edge to collect ourselves, eat a quick meal, and prepare for the next leg of the journey. Yunie had told me our next destination would be the city of Guadosalam, the ancestral home of the Guado people and the location of the only known overlap between Spira and the Farplane. On the road to the city, we passed many of solemn travelers each making their own pilgrimage to say final farewells or seek counsel from dead friends or relatives. I silently admired the courage of those who braved the dangers of the fiends and the elements in order to make the journey. While we Al Bhed don't share that belief, I could understand what would drive a grieving or lonely person might seek comfort from memories of their loved ones. Everyone needed someone to turn to in difficult times, well, almost everyone...

Our arrival in the cavernous city of the Guado it seems, was expected. I'd never been to Guadosalam before, and was just beginning to take in the sights of the city when we were approached by a servant of the Guado leader. He promptly ushered us off to a large residence in the center of the city that could only be the manor of Maester Seymour himself. While we were treated with the respect due honored guests, there was no warmth in the servant's empty greetings and stiffly formal introduction. He was completely his master's creature, unable to think for himself, living only to deliver us into the hands of the man who commanded his loyalty. So, I reflected, Seymour's control of his own people was frighteningly efficient. He had indeed been quick in uniting the Guado behind them after the passing of his father, Lord Jyscal.

Although I considered myself a good judge of character, I wondered if I was being a bit harsh in my evaluation of the Guado. I glanced around, eager to see what my companions were making of the situation. Yuna's face betrayed confusion and apprehension. What could Seymour want with her, anyway? Tidus, Wakka, and Lulu conversed among themselves, presumably voicing the same question that pervaded everyone's thoughts. Kimahri stood alone, eyes never once leaving Yuna. Of the group, Auron stood furthest apart from them, wearing the same cold, distant, and yet thoughtful look that I'd come to know as his trademark. Did the man ever smile or betray any hint of emotion? Was he even capable of feeling anything?

I pondered the enigmatic man for a moment. He had not intervened when Seymour's servant led them away to the manor. In fact, I recalled, Auron hadn't said a word since we departed the banks of the Moonflow. Despite his silence, or perhaps because of it, I began to believe that Auron might have the best insight into what exactly was going on here. That thought both comforted and frightened me. If Auron knew something, that probably meant he wasn't going to share his thoughts, not unless they had a direct impact on Yunie's ability to continue her pilgrimage. I silently cursed the older man. What right did he have, what right? Didn't Yuna deserve to know everything, especially since he mercilessly held her to a path that would claim her life at its end? Maybe, just maybe, Auron was in Seymour's service too. From that moment on, I redoubled my efforts to keep a close watch over the elder guardian's behavior.

At length, the servant returned to guide us into what appeared to be a dining room. Every detail of the room was designed to impress from the décor to the food. Before I could consider the possibility that the food might present a danger, I found myself eating as much as I could as fast as I could. Who knew when we might see this much food of this quality again, if ever?

Tidus appeared to wander around aimlessly, trying to engage the different party members in a conversation, anything to pass the time I suppose. We didn't have to wait long for Seymour to make his grand entrance and interrupt the servant's ceaseless prattling about the greatness of the current and past Guado leaders. Seymour was a magnificent actor, every statement he made was carefully calculated to bring out some specific kind of reaction in his audience. He motioned for us to follow him deeper into the room, where he proceeded to play his trump card.

The lights dimmed, and the room became a giant recreation of an ancient city dominated by machina. I had only imagined what these cities must have been like when they stood all over the world...my people were only beginning to recover the treasured machina that were buried with them when they were leveled. This particular city could only be Zanarkand itself! Tidus voiced what I was thinking, and Seymour confirmed it. The vision began to fade slightly.

"She once lived in this metropolis," Seymour said in preparation for his next move.

I could have sworn I saw Auron's expression change for the first time since meeting him. It might have just been the shadows playing across the exposed part of his face, but I'm pretty sure his high collar obscured an ironic smile. So Zanarkand had some kind of meaning for the legendary guardian...enough to evoke a response from him at least. That, in itself, was no mean feat. And, Zanarkand was where we were ultimately headed...what did this man know?

The scene changed to show Lady Yunalesca, the first person to save the world from Sin, to hear Seymour tell it. Auron's face appeared to harden a bit more. He must have caught me glancing at him, because in the next moment his expression assumed its customary, detached look. Whatever thoughts or memories Seymour's display had brought to the surface were gone, Auron retreated back into his protective cocoon of dispassion. Had the vision of Lady Yunalesca upset him, or Seymour's reference to Braska's wishes for his daughter? What connection did Auron have to all of this, and why was it shameful for him to show it?

Seymour's image now showed Yunalesca embracing an elaborately dressed Lord Zaon. He continued to talk, addressing Yuna directly and taking her off to the side. Seymour whispered something in her ear and her face took on a panicked look. She dashed back to the table and gulped down a glass of water. Immediately, her guardians with the exception of Auron were at her side, reassuring her.

"Wow, your face is beet red!" Yeah, it was obvious to anyone who looked at her, but someone had to break the silence.

Tidus was equally unable to say anything insightful. "You okay?" he managed. Of course she wasn't, you dolt!

Still visibly shaken, Yuna finally spoke. "He...he asked me to marry him!"

"You serious?" asked Tidus.

Auron finally reacted, moving to insert himself between Yuna and Seymour, and trained a disapproving gaze on the Guado. "You know what Yuna must do."

Seymour played his part well, maintaining his dignity under fire and launched into a speech. "Of course. Lady Yuna--no, all summoners--are charged with bringing peace to Spira." He paused for effect. "But this means more than just defeating Sin. She must ease the suffering of all Spira. She must be a leader for the people."

Seymour paused again and made a sweeping, magnanimous gesture with one long Guado hand. "I proposed to Lady Yuna as a maester of Yevon."

But Auron saw through the ploy and ceded no ground in the argument. "Spira is no playhouse. A moment's diversion may amuse the audience, but it changes nothing." Even though I wasn't sure I agreed with Auron's assessment of the situation, I respected his resolve. Of the group, he was the only one who stood up to the master. Although...a marriage to Seymour might not be a bad thing after all...it held the possibility of shielding her from her pilgrimage, didn't it?

Seymour was prepared for Auron's objection. "Even so, the actors must play their parts." Turning to Yuna, he continued fluidly, "There's no need to answer right away. Please, think it over."

Auron took the opportunity to end the discussion and extricate the party from Seymour's territory. "We will do so, then. We leave." I privately wondered how much of "we" actually included Yuna and her wishes. Or would Auron take it upon himself to make the decision for her?

We began to leave the dining room when Seymour decided to take a parting shot at the scarlet-clad guardian. It would be a long time before I knew enough to fully comprehend what it was Seymour hinted at that day. "Why are you still here, sir?"

Seymour bowed, and addressed the rest of us. "I beg your pardon. We Guado are keen to the scent of the Farplane." Was that intended to explain his words to Auron? Tidus apparently thought so and stepped closer to the enigmatic guardian, sniffing him.

Auron shoved the boy away and led the party out of the residence. No one bothered to challenge his authority then. I think we were all just relieved to be away from the Guado leader.


	3. Friend or Foe?

Chapter 3 

We made the most graceful exit from the manner that our present states of mind would allow. Every one of us, myself included, had failed to detect Seymour's true purpose until it was too late. Only Auron's quick reflexes and unrelenting, sheltering calm had prevented Seymour from closing the trap on them completely. Seymour had been forced to back off at the last moment, under the guise of allowing Yuna time to think, but for a split second it had been crystal clear that he'd hoped she'd agree instinctively. The moment I realized that, I hated Seymour unconditionally for trying to take advantage of Yunie's noble and trusting nature. But...Seymour wasn't the only one.

While Auron's actions in the manor had been in Yuna's best interest, his motives were not so clear as Seymour's had been. Obviously, his presence in the group was intended to be a constant pressure to keep Yunie on the straight-and-narrow of the journey. He was short and gruff in his dealings with the party thus far, having given none of them a reason to trust him. For all the man tried to put himself forward as the leader, I knew he could never truly inspire loyalty so long as he remained aloof and mysterious. In that regard, Auron embodied the complete opposite of Seymour's slick finesse. Neither was a man I'd willingly ally myself with...and that could be a problem given Yuna's seeming deference to Auron.

Spira suddenly seemed a cold and unfeeling world, one perhaps unworthy of Yuna's sacrifice after all. A world full of people prepared to use Yuna, to send her out to die in exchange for their own safety. It's easy to sacrifice someone you've never met, in order to satisfy your own survival instinct, but try making the same demand of those who knew her, who grew up with her, who traveled with her...who shared her company the final days of her life. I couldn't...wouldn't allow it to happen. It might seem selfish, I reflected grimly, to choose the life of a loved one over the lives of the other nameless, faceless inhabitants of the world...but show me one person who wouldn't make the same decision when faced with this kind of morbid situation. I ought to have stopped it right there...ought to have pulled her aside and convinced her to stop this pilgrimage nonsense...but I couldn't muster the strength to do it, because deep down inside, I honestly didn't know what I thought was right or even justified.

A deep sense of shame spread through me as I found myself wavering between the two sides of the issue. Goodness, I didn't want Yunie to have to marry a creep like Seymour, but what alternative was there? She could continue her pilgrimage...and die...without doubt, and knowing my cousin, without regret. Or she could enter into a marriage for purely political and religious reasons, giving up her personal happiness for the good of her world, and retaining her life.

I'd been too absorbed in my own thoughts to notice that everyone had held a meeting of sorts. Yuna was seriously considering the proposal...which was good, I guess. She'd decided to consult her father on the Farplane before making her decision, though. I can't say I agreed with that approach to decision making, but if it helped Yuna to make her difficult decision, I'd support it. We walked down the cavernous halls of the city to the entrance to the Farplane. With the somber mood of the group, there was little in the way of conversation.

Standing at the ramp to the entrance of the Farplane, the group regained some of its energy. Wakka and the others deflected the questions that Tidus kept throwing at them and the group finally stepped onto the Farplane. Well, almost everyone. I thought I'd escaped detection by hanging toward the back of the group, but Tidus discovered I had no intention of going in...he'd just gotten done interrogating Auron about the guardian's decision to remain behind as well. I could only hope to have as much success fending off the blond blitzball star as well. I saw Auron wave him off, and he came in my direction instead of entering the plane.

I sought to forestall the question I knew he'd ask, by volunteering my thoughts. "You're not really going to see the dead, more like your memories of them. People think of their relatives and the pyreflies react to them. They take on the form of the dead person...an illusion, nothing else."

"Hmm..."

I tried in vain to close the conversation. "Well, have fun!"

He was still having trouble grasping my people's beliefs. "What, you're not going either?"

"I keep my memories inside." I paused, waiting for him to make the connection. "Memories are nice, but that's all they are." I think he sensed that there wasn't much else I wanted to offer about my thoughts on the Farplane and he finally left for the portal.

Sure, I'd gotten rid of Tidus, but now I was alone with Auron. The man still unnerved me. He was utterly unapproachable, surely by design. Still, I had always favored conversation to awkward silence and decided to take a chance at trying to engage him. If nothing else, maybe talking with him could shed some light on why Yuna placed her trust in the man who only appeared to me as a one-eyed bully with a penchant for red.

I approached him slowly. He continued staring into his lap, immersed in his own thoughts. I fervently hoped I wasn't making a grave mistake. "So..."

He didn't look up. I didn't expect him to...my opening wasn't exactly spectacular. I searched quickly for something intelligent or useful to say before my nerves got the better of me and I said something stupid.

I failed. "You know, it's not very honest of you to hide your face like that," I heard myself say, gesturing to the ever-present collar and sunglasses he wore. Way to go, Rikku, I thought...you're definately making progress by starting a conversation with an accusation!

It got his attention. His head snapped up and his eye focused on me. That familiar piercing look he shot me made me regret opening my mouth. After a second, he tilted his head to one side slightly and his expression changed to one of amusement.

"I never expected to receive a lecture on honesty from a thief," he said simply. His words were sharp, though his gaze was no longer threatening.

"I...I'm not a thief," I began. "Well, at least not anymore." I tried to finish the statement with more confidence than I'd begun it.

"That's reassuring."

"But you...you..." I caught myself making the same mistake I'd made the first time I addressed him, and promptly stopped myself.

Auron raised one eyebrow, clearly interested in hearing the end of the statement. "I, what?"

I simply shook my head and tried to save face. I should have realized trying to converse with him about himself was a mistake. "Uh...nevermind..."

"I think you should finish what you were going to say..."

"Forget it. I shouldn't have started to say it." Damn it, why wouldn't he let me drop it? Was he taking some kind of twisted pleasure in my embarassment?

He regarded me thoughtfully. "You're right, you shouldn't speak without thinking. But if you do open your mouth, you need to be prepared to finish what you intend to say and take responsibility for it."

I had the distinct feeling that he was going to pursue this until he found out exactly what I'd intended to say to him. Pity no one could ever force him to do the same...but then again, it could be why he spoke so little in the first place. "I...I was going to say..." I took a deep breath, not daring to break eye contact with him. "I was going to say that it's impossible to tell what you or your motives are. There, I said it, are you happy?"

Auron chuckled - a hollow sound, but one that seemed to lend him a bit more humanity, regardless. Then he shrugged. "I'm a guardian. I never implied otherwise." When I didn't respond, he continued, "but that's not enough for you. You don't trust me. That's why you've been watching me."

How did he know? It galled me to admit that he was right, and that he'd figured me out. His insight had wounded my pride; I'd thought myself more subtle than that. Auron was a worthy opponent, indeed. And why shouldn't he be, I thought...he's more than twice as old as I am. I turned away from him. What could I say in response?

Auron must have taken pity on me, for he saved me by breaking the awkward silence. "Most of the others don't, either. They don't trust me, I mean." He smiled sadly. "But you're the only one who's had the backbone to speak up about it."

He walked over and stood beside me. "I had my doubts about you at first. But now I know Yuna was right to make you a guardian, you've got the potential to be a very good one."

I was in shock. Praise, from Auron? I didn't think the man had it in him to recognize the merits of others. Every other time he'd opened his mouth to say anything, it was either to criticize, correct, or issue an order. I'd grossly underestimated him...maybe he wasn't out to use Yuna after all...

My train of thought was interrupted by the return of the others from the Farplane. The group stepped out of the portal together with Yuna at their head. She appeared far more confident than when she'd departed a short while ago.

"Thanks for waiting. I'll go give my answer to Maester Seymour."


	4. Fixation

Chapter 4 

As if all the strange goings-on in the Guado city hadn't been enough, the encounter with Lord Jyscal on our return from the Farplane really creeped me out! I wanted nothing more than to leave this wretched Guadosalam with its scheming leader, strange inhabitants, and walking dead. Sure, Yunie had given the former Guado leader a Sending, but the disturbance caused by his mysterious death and reppearance was bound to cause us trouble on our journey, I just knew it. During the Sending, I could have sworn I heard someone gasp in pain behind me, though I was too transfixed by the sight of the dead Maester Jyscal to determine the source. I can only assume whoever it had been was feeling better now, for I'd not heard the sound repeated since we'd left the antechamber to the Farplane portal.

Yuna had left to seek out Maester Seymour and to give him her reply. The majority of the group waited patiently outside the manor, discussing the plans for the next section of the trip. Tidus ran off, presumably to finish stocking up on superior Guado supplies (creepy they may be, but they make a mean potion). There was no containing that boy!

At length, the conversation degenerated into little more than nervous banter. No one wanted to be englufed in the silence that seemed to pervade this place. No one that is, save Auron. He seemed to relish silence and solitude, to wear them as a kind of barrier against the world. I'd seen a lot of reclusive people in my life...people who for one reason or another had withdrawn from the world at large. They were usually people who had suffered terrible, unspeakable events and survived, only to go through life wistfully and without purpose. I suspected something similar must have befallen our brooding companion of a guardian - with one notable difference. Whereas in my experience people usually became lost souls of a sort, Auron's ordeal seemed to have hardened his resolve to an edge as fierce as the one he wielded in battle. There could be no other explanation.

And so I came to wonder, as I found myself doing more and more often since speaking with Auron, what he did with all that time alone. What was going on behind all those barriers he had constructed between himself and the world? A lesser being might well have gone mad, but not Auron, I realized...like him or hate him, he was strong and solid. His dark, brooding presence seemed to be both a blessing and a curse. It was quite clear to the rest of us that the man was in possession of a mountain of knowledge...knowledge he only shared when he saw fit. How many times in Guadosalam alone could he have offered something, anything that would have aided us in threading our way through Seymour's traps? Why did he seem only to employ his vast experience and insight when they were on the very edge of failure or destruction? What had happened to this man to force him into this kind of existence - the remains of the physical wounds he'd suffered were apparent enough, but could anyone  
ever know how deep the corresponding psychological and emotional scars ran? A chill passed through me...it was possible that Auron's past was interfering with his ability to do his job in the present...it could be why we so rarely heard from him, when by rights a man in his position ought to have been open and free with what he knew. The next time I saw it happening, I vowed to myself, I would step in and force the issue, somehow.

I felt a twinge of something in my guts as I regarded the man, not realizing I was staring at him. Perhaps it was sympathy for the guardian. It could not be comfortable to be utterly alone among a group of younger people who openly relied on each other for support in trying times. So many things separated him from the rest of us, and it seemed only Yuna had a way of including him among their number, albeit for short periods of time when they dearly needed his skills. I almost laughed when I realized Auron would have chided me for this line of thought. He'd say that I was wasting time and effort that would be better put to use protecting our common charge. I was a guardian, and it wasn't proper for my thoughts to be dominated by my comrades in arms instead of my summoner.

I sighed. Too much Auron on the brain. But...I couldn't get him out of my mind, try as I might. Maybe once we got back on the road the dangers and realities of travel would redeem me from this disturbing obsession. I certainly hoped so. Thinking so much about Auron had me worried about my own sanity.

I tore my gaze from the guardian in red when the door to the manor opened to reveal Yuna's figure. At nearly the same time, Tidus came running toward the party from the opposite direction.

"They say Seymour went to Macarena temple," Tidus announced.

I saw Wakka suppress a laugh. "Macalania temple," he corrected.

"Aye, that's the one." Tidus' cheeks turned a slight shade of red at the embarassment.

Wakka voiced what most of us were wondering silently. "What I don't get is...why would the lord maester head off without a peep to anyone?"

Not wanting to seem braindead and desperate for a chance to think about something other than Auron I took a guess at the answer. "Maybe he wasn't expecting Yuna's answer so soon."

Wakka nodded. "Yeah, that's probably it."

Yunie let out a short forced laugh. So, Guadosalam had taken its toll on her, as well. Auron suddenly turned to face her.

"Yuna, what is it?" he asked in the same emotionless voice he always used.

Yunie wasn't prepared for the question. "Oh, nothing," she said quickly, trying in vain to make the older man believe her.

He didn't. His gaze held hers for a short moment and he tilted his head thoughfully. "Hmm...you're a poor liar," he observed, but thankfully, left it at that.

But Yuna held her ground. "It's true, it's nothing," she reaffirmed. Not wanting to invite Auron to push the matter any further, she took the initiative. "Come on, let's go."

To my surprise, Auron gave in and dropped it. Just when I think I've got you figured out, you change the rules, old man! But in that instant, he didn't strike me as being old so much as wise. He picked his battles...

We all fell in behind Yuna as we walked to the exit of the city...and suddenly it dawned on me! "Oh, no. We're here." It came out as a childish squeak. As if to mock me, the thunder and lightning in the background seemed to intensify in that moment. I was frozen in fear. The other party members calmly discussed the best way to make the crossing, but my apprehension got the best of me.

"I think I forgot something back in Guadosalam," I said weakly, turning back toward the city.

The moment went from bad to worse without warning. Auron waved at me dismissively. "Nice knowing you."

That was that. I had to go...I just had to. Something about Auron compelled me to. Maybe it was the praise he'd given me outside the Farplane...maybe it was my own desire to impress the man. But I got the distinct feeling that if the words had issued from anyone else's lips that day, I might well have went my separate way. I couldn't let Auron win this one. Whatever it took, I would go on. What little dignity or pride I'd left demanded it. I prepared myself to find something profound to say to convince them of my resolve, but the words wouldn't come out correctly.

"Okay, okay! I'll go!" was all I could get out.

So it was that we set out onto the Thunder Plains. The sharp sounds and the accompanying flashes of light scared me, but I focused all my efforts on not allowing it to show. I prayed that our crossing would be fast and relatively uneventful...but it was not to be.

We could hardly advance to the next lightning tower without being accosted by a new group of fiends. I was too shaken to participate in battle, but luckily no one said anything to me about that. We were defended by Lulu's impressive Black magic, Yuna's Aeons, and the martial talents of Tidus, Kimahri and Auron. Auron was particularly impressive, bringing that great blade to bear on all manner of enemies with the same deadly grace and precision each swing. The man truly was the most skilled of all of them, the consummate guardian.

I almost slapped myself. There were more important things to worry about than Auron's form. What was wrong with me, anyway?

We were recovering after one particularly lengthy battle, forgetting that we were out in the open. All of us moved to take cover under the nearest lightning tower when the strikes intensified, but I was the last to move. Everyone broke into a run when the latest bolt struck only a few feet from where they'd been sitting. Only Auron remained walking at the steady pace he always favored. I seized up again when the last lightning bolt struck that close to our resting place.

The sky flashed again dangerously and I finally began to move toward the tower, still a good distance from me. Auron must have sensed what was about to happen, because he dashed back in my direction.

"Rikku! Get over near the - " He shoved me in the direction of the tower before he could finish that statement. Just as he did, lightning struck the place he'd taken over from me. Recovering from his rough push, I watched with horror as the bolt passed through him and discharged into the ground at his feet.

The only sound that escaped Auron's mouth was a muffled grunt. He appeared dazed for only a split second, but recovered quickly and approached me where I was still laying on the ground. Wordlessly, he offered me his gloved right hand. I grasped it and got to my feet, brushing the dirt from my clothes and skin. He fixed a critical gaze on me.

"Why did you..." I began, stopping halfway though my thought. Idiot! He did it to save you from being hit by lightning. I broke eye contact with him, and looked down at my feet. "I mean...thanks," I finished meekly.

He nodded slightly, not speaking at first. His coat hung off his arm, as it did when he was in combat, and his left arm gripped my shoulder. Auron's gloved right hand tilted my chin gently toward him, forcing me to look him in the eyes again. "A guardian must pay close attention to her surroundings and be prepared to confront any threat to her summoner. Think about that."

I mumbled something in agreement, and both his hands released me. He didn't move, though. "I...I'll try," I promised. "Maybe...maybe you could teach me to be a better guardian?" The last was little more than a whisper.

Auron didn't acknowledge the question at first. I thought I might have made a grave mistake, asking something of the older man. He probably wasn't the kind who usually did personal favors, not with so much else at stake. Finally, he nodded slightly. "I will teach you what I can, but most of what a guardian needs to know, you must find within yourself."

He inclined his head toward the tower, where the rest of the party was waiting. "The others..." he said and gave me a nudge toward the tower. We reunited with the rest of the group, and continued on.


	5. The Troublemaker

Chapter 5 

I honestly thought they didn't get worse than Tidus. I'm not wrong often, but I had the distinct feeling that I could be this time. That Al Bhed girl, Rikku, was really beginning to try my patience. She did possess a kind of...endearing (and this is hard for me to admit, such feelings and words have not come easily to me for quite some time)...quality that accompanied the innocence and energy of youth. With the exception of Lulu, every one of my traveling companions were still wide-eyed youths, guardians and summoners or no. Were Spira not in such dire need, I might believe they were only playing at the roles that by journey's end would chafe their shoulders as surely as a yoke.

I had also thought that I'd given up regret all those years ago. I was wrong about that as well, part of a disturbing trend these days. Was I no longer the master of myself? Ever since the escape from Zanarkand, everything had begun to slip. I could not be so distant as I once was, so cold, so hard. The world was beginning to wear down my defenses and to be honest, perhaps I was tired of reconstructing them. And I swear, if I have to suffer being the subject of the title "legendary guardian" again, I might well lose my cool entirely. Was I the only one who realized that the figure they nigh worshipped was a lie as surely as Yevon...their revered "legendary guardian" a washed-up lonely old man craving nothing more than the rest denied for 10 long years?

Much as I yearned to abandon the stoic facade I'd taken up, duty was there to prevent it. Yunalesca really had doomed Auron the man to death that day...and duty had kept me alive after a fashion, as its slave. My existence stopped being my own after that encounter, and became Braska's, Jecht's, Tidus' and Yuna's. Cold comfort for a man who had already lost everything, bitter irony for one who dedicated his life to service - that in death I should be similarly condemned. Not that I wouldn't do it again, I owed my friends that much. But not even loyalty could take away the pain. And, I winced inwardly, indulging in self-pity wouldn't advance the present journey in the least.

And now, my worst fear was coming true. She was getting too close, trying to pull me from the only shelter I'd come to know since my death. Yes, somewhere, deep in my mind, I was still capable of fear...not fear of Sin, or fear of death, or fear of failure. I'd known all of those. What I feared, and it galled me to make this admission even to myself, was that someone would try to pull my long-abandoned humanity back to the surface. Even Tidus knew that boundary, and the unspoken agreement we had allowed me to abide life with him in Zanarkand with a kind of uneasy peace. It was the one thing of all I'd lost that I didn't want back...it was the one thing that would make it possible for the rest of my loss to repeat itself. It was the one thing I could not endure a second time.

I would do my duty. I would steel myself against feeling again if need be. Rikku could not, would not, succeed in unraveling me. How to make her stop without letting on that her efforts were at the very core of my present conflict? I'd thought to befriend her, find something in common and develop it. Surely if I could dictate the terms under which we interacted, I could keep her at bay until she lost interest...or so I thought. She'd seemed delighted when I agreed to help her become a better guardian, but now I was in the position of trying to predict and intercept her next move before she could corner me again. Much as I hated to admit it, her vulnerability on the Thunder Plains...her open admission of her fears was exactly what I needed to remain in control of the situation. Her turn to be on the defensive for once.

Rikku's state of mind grew worse as we traveled deeper into the Plains. Each lightning strike pushed her farther toward the edge. I watched, midly interested, to see when or if she'd snap. If she did, the girl had no future as a guardian. As it was, she was coming pretty close, crawling around mumbling to herself and finally coming to rest clinging at Tidus' leg. A particularly close strike caused the girl to shriek and voice her thoughts coherently at last.

"I wanna go home. I hate lightning! I hate thunder! Let's go rest over there, please?" She pointed to the local branch of Rin's travel agency. I suppressed the urge to shudder...That was the last place I wanted to go. Too many memories.

Sorry Rikku, I spared you once already, I'm not going to take pity on you again. You're going to have to grow up sooner or later. I chose my words more carefully of course. "This storm never stops. Better to cross quickly." I should just knock you unconscious and have done with it, even if I had to carry you the rest of the way, it would be better for everyone than this...

She didn't buy it. I know I should have said something a little more harsh, but something prevented me from playing on her fears for the sake of keeping us on the road. I'd never been a spiteful person, and I wasn't about to begin now. "I know, but...just for a little while?" She didn't wait for an answer, but started moving toward the building.

Tidus looked at me, shrugging. "Heh, well. What now?"

I sighed. The rest of the party had followed her to the building, but turned back toward me when they heard my reaction.

Rikku was adamant. She kept goading them, trying to win their sympathies and make me look ever more the villain.

"Pretty please, just a few minutes?" How many times must I say no, girl?

"I'm scared of lightning. Let's rest, please? Pretty please?" Nope. Not on my watch. I kept walking.

"I'm too young to die!" And I'm too old to put up with this...

"You're mean, cruel! Your moms would be ashamed of you!" Why did these comments seem to be addressed to me, personally?

"Are you having fun doing this to me?" Maybe, I would be, if I hadn't forgotten what fun was. No, I thought. It wouldn't have been fun, amusing maybe, but inflicting suffering on others was never fun.

I gave in...I don't know why, and I regretted it, but I gave in. "Fine, we rest. She's worse than the storm." I should have knocked you out when I had the chance...

Relief flooded the young Al Bhed's face and she rushed toward me. Dear Yevon, please don't let her hug me.

She did...She flung her arms around my waist and buried her head in my chest. Every muscle in my body must have tensed then. Her hands were nearly white, so tight was her grip on my coat. It was the most contact I'd had with another human being in years, and it was uncomfortable in the extreme. I wanted to pry her off me...but I didn't. I didn't return the gesture in the least...indeed I had to move my arms out of the way to keep from initiating any further contact with her. I don't think she cared, though.

My blackmail had worked! The gruff, uptight guardian in the flowing scarlet coat did his best to hide a look of defeat, tilting his head further down into his collar. The faintest of resigned sighs escaped his lips. Not many people had the audacity to oppose Sir Auron in anything, much less the complete lack of tact to revel so in his defeat. I couldn't help it. In that moment, my fear of the storm had overcome my fear of Auron's wrath. I had to stop and clear my mind, I just had to!

Sure, I'd heaped the pressure on him, attempted to use my fellow guardians to impact his judgment, but in the end I'd gotten what I wanted...no, I corrected myself, what I'd needed. Any longer out on the plains and I'd have lost it. Completely. And yet...I felt a pang of guilt at my actions. Deep down, I knew Auron deserved more respect than I'd shown him, but his insistence on being so damned composed and controlling made it impossible to win anything from him gracefully.

I couldn't sustain guilt for long, though. Sheer joy and relief overtook me. Before I realized what I was doing, I threw myself at him and embraced him in unabashed and heartfelt thanks. My arms closed around his waist tightly and my hands clenched over the heavy material of his red coat. He was warm and solid...he was safety incarnate. Instinctively, I buried my face in his chest, wordlessly praising whatever had compelled him to change his mind about stopping. For the few brief seconds I spent pressed against him, I forgot about the storm raging outside the inn. It dawned on me that Auron's unwavering stability wasn't all bad.

At the moment, I didn't consider that he might misinterpret my purpose. I was just so glad to be out of that damnable storm!

And then the worst thing of all happened...I came to my senses. My sanity returned and in utter horror I realized what my body had done...and in front of the entire party! I tore myself away from his form, not meeting his gaze. I was so embarassed! Pausing only long enough to smooth Auron's robe, and mumble a couple of words of thanks (with more sincerety than I'd intended) I fled to the back of the inn to find a vacant room.

Rikku detached herself from me a few seconds later. A part of me, one whose existence I must have forgotten about, mourned the end of the contact. My rational mind could not be more relieved that it was over, though I was puzzled by what must have been an instinctive reaction in the pit of my stomach.

"Thank you," she said genuinely and without waiting for a response, left to find a room. She'd appeared somewhat shaken at the end, looking a bit confused and betrayed. Rikku's features slowly changed to reflect an even more curious emotion, regret. Maybe she hadn't intended to hug me after all, perhaps her emotions had gotten the better of her. I hoped that's all it was, silently cursing her inability to control herself. And then I felt ashamed...not everyone is as practiced as you are, old man.

Dazed and a bit confused, I sat myself down in a corner, away from the others still in the lobby. I could only hope I had not allowed any of my panic to show on my face when she embraced me. It had been awkward, and uncomfortable, though not entirely unwelcome. What was this girl doing to me?

By the time I mastered myself enough to appreciate how much the bizarre encounter had tired me, there were no rooms to be had. In my present state of mind, I certainly had no desire to share with someone...To be honest, I didn't feel close enough to any of my companions to intrude upon their solitude. I see that didn't stop Tidus, though, as he went to seek out Yuna. If he was on his way to see her, she must be awake and nearly ready to return to the road.

I'm not quite sure why, but I felt a desire to apologize to Rikku for my actions. I'd been a bit harsh to her...well, more than a bit. My first trip through the Thunder Plains certainly hadn't been an easy one and Rikku was nearly a decade younger than I'd been when I made that first crossing. Yevon, I really am old, traveling with guardians half my age.

I found Rikku's room, and raised my fist to knock on the door. But I didn't, not immediately. Maybe approaching her again so soon wouldn't help matters, but then again, how could it hurt them? What urge was this that was driving me to explain myself to her? I'd never needed to do so to anyone before, and yet I felt I owed her...something. Just as I gathered up the nerve to announce my presence, the door opened to reveal a still-waking Rikku.

She rubbed her eyes. "Auron! Why are you...standing outside my door?" Rikku shot me a haven't-you-already-caused-enough-trouble-for-one-day look. I couldn't tell if it was serious or meant in jest. That look wounded me more than I wanted to admit.

"I..." Was this how she'd felt trying to make conversation at the Farplane? "I was unduly mean to you this afternoon."

She scratched her head. Did she think she'd pry the s-word from me? Or was she genuinely surprised to see me here at all? Regardless, Rikku just continued to stand there and stare at me.

Fine. I'll say it. But I'll make you regret wringing this from me. "I'm...sorry...I didn't realize that you were that afraid of lightning."

Rikku held my gaze a moment longer, and then turned her back to me, folding her arms across her chest. "I don't suppose you could have known that. But still, what you said was cruel. You'd be pretty scared of lightning if your own brother had struck you with a spell when you were little, too, you know."

"He found you annoying as well?" I had intended the question as a joke to lighten the mood a bit. It was a bad call and I regretted it before I even finished saying it.

Rikku whirled around to face me again. Her eyes narrowed and her hands clenched into fists at her sides. She must be fighting the urge to hit me. Given the circumstances, I'd have hit me. But she didn't. "He was trying to save me from the fiend that attacked me while I was swimming. Urgh! I don't even know why I'm telling you this!" By the time she finished, she was nearly shouting. Thank Yevon the others weren't around to see this.

"In any case, I'm not afraid anymore. Do you hear me, I'm not scared!" She pushed past me, and without looking back said, "The sooner we get out of this place, the better off I'll be." I repressed the urge to chuckle at her...All of this had started with my trying to tell her the exact same thing. But the young ones, you can't tell them anything. Everything they learn must be their idea, and theirs alone.

Author's note: I've changed this to show the somewhat...err...spontaneous nature of the contact and the embarassment and confusion it produced for both of them...at least I tried to. Let me know if I succeeded.


	6. The Naked Truth

Chapter 6 

We had cleared the Thunder Plains earlier in the day, and were stopping early to make camp and rest. I was relieved to be across the Plains in one piece, even if it cost me all of my progress with Auron. What had possessed him to be so mean, act as though he was going to apologize for it, and then turn around and be cruel again?

Macalania forest was very different than I'd imagined it would be. It was like no forest I'd ever seen before. The scenery was largely made of crystal and what light filtered through the boughs of the glimmering trees reflected off the other surfaces down below. I found myself repeatedly checking to see if I was really awake, so much did the environment resemble a dreamscape. The one constant that convinced me of my continued presence in the real world were the attacks from the fiends. They were the only mark on the tranquil beauty of this place.

Everyone was just about finished putting up their tents for the evening's rest, and they began to take up some of the myriad other camp chores before settling down to enjoy a few more hours of down time than usual. Lulu took the first watch on the perimeter of the camp while Tidus, Wakka, and Kimahri searched the crystalline undergrowth for anything that would burn. Yuna began unpacking the group's rations and cooking supplies. A hot meal would be welcome, our first since staying at the Al Bhed inn on the lonely Thunder Plains. Auron wordlessly took off in the direction of a stream that ran behind the campsite. Somehow, he managed to keep his footsteps silent for the most part, in spite of his considerable size and heavy boots. Intrigued, I followed, despite the bad taste that our last encounter had left in my mouth. Maybe whatever he was doing would afford me a chance for a bit of revenge.

I settled down behind a large, fairly opaque (at least at the distance Auron was at) crystalline shrub, and peeked over the top to observe the older guardian's actions. He knelt down briefly, pulled the glove from his right hand and tested the temperature of the water. Nodding slightly, he returned to a standing position and took a quick glance around. I ducked before his gaze swept in my direction, sure that I'd made it behind my cover in time to avoid his cursory glance.

Satisfied that he was alone, Auron unstrapped the large, sheathed blade from his back and rested the weapon against the trunk of a tree with great care. He set the glove down beneath the sword and set about releasing the clasps on the various leather straps that held his red robe in place. He unbuckled his belt and slipped out of it with a grace I'd not thought the man possessed. Auron set the belt down by the tree as well, taking care to steady the jug attached to its right side.

The blue-trimmed scarlet overcoat hung away from his body, held in place only by the right sleeve. Auron deftly removed his right arm from the garment, folded it and set it on the ground next to his belt. I don't believe I'd ever seen him without the coat before. His right arm had the same chisled look and impossibly sharp muscle tone I'd seen on the left one so often in battle. The swordsman paused to stretch a bit before unsecuring his ever-present collar from the form-fitting black leather shirt he wore and sliding it over his head. To my surprise, a tail of the same obsidian hair I'd thought he wore short, cascaded down his back now that the collar no longer held it out of view.

Auron removed the glasses as well, baring his face completely for the first time in my memory. It came into full view when he turned to set the glasses and collar on top of the folded red robe. In the brief moment of respite from his duty, the guardian's expression was considerably more relaxed and at ease. He believes himself alone, I thought in a moment of shame. Without the hard look imposed by his perptetual frown, Auron took on a wistful, almost sad demeanor. He was clearly in pain, though there appeared to be no new wounds on his body. Something else was bothering him, something he devoted much of his effort to keeping hidden from the rest of the world. I found myself wondering what that thing could be, and a part of me wanted to approach him and ask the question...but Auron wouldn't appreciate being spied on, especially during the one time when he thought he could afford to let his guard down.

Auron's eye was unfocused, his thoughts on something far from the forest. Shafts of light reflected off of the trunk of the tree he'd rested his weapon against. The reflected rays highlighted the full length of the scar running down the right side of his face. I hadn't realized the sheer size of the wound until now and winced involuntarily thinking about what it must have felt like to have been dealt the blow that created it. A slight breeze wafted its way through the forest and down the stream, driving some of the shorter wisps of his graying hair into his face. The incusrions of silver into his otherwise perfectly sable hair didn't seem quite right, somehow, Auron couldn't be old enough for it to be the product of the natural aging process. Staring at him, I almost had the sense that I could see beneath his usually sealed exterior for a brief instant in time. Was this right? Auron went to great pains to prevent this type of search. I got the impression he didn't want  
anyone to know anything of him beyond what was absolutely necessary for him to execute his duty.

Something horrible had happened to this man, something that had impacted him so profoundly as to change all of the things that defined him previously. Nothing had been spared it seemed, not his looks, nor his personality, nothing it would appear, save the barest aspects of what allowed a human being to survive. Details began to come into focus out of the wave of awareness that overtook me. He'd been an idealist, young, spirited, full of hope for the future...Auron had believed it was within his power to make a difference in the world. Alongside Braska and Jecht perhaps? It wasn't immediately clear, but I was almost sure he was thinking of his first pilgrimage. What a contrast from the man he was now! Almost as different as night and day.

A woman's name emerged from the embittered memories. Yunalesca! What was her part in this? He'd reacted negatively when Seymour had mentioned her in Guadosalam, but now I was detecting a sense of apprehension from him. I sensed he had unfinished business with the first High Summoner in Zanarkand, business of a less-than-friendly nature. Did she bear the responsibility for creating the Auron I saw before me? I never found out, for Auron must have decided he'd reminisced enough for one day. His thoughts wandered to other, more trivial matters and my ability to detect them faded as he turned away from my view.

Auron had retrieved a razor from a hidden pocket in the robe, and turned back toward the stream. Taken as a whole, his face was still quite attractive for a man of his age and experience and I couldn't help but wonder just how handsome he must have been in his youth.

He shaved off the couple days' growth of stubble from his chin, replaced the razor with his belongings and shed his shirt. Before removing his pants, he paused to release his hair from the ponytail and comb it out. Yes, he definately must have been nothing short of beautiful in his younger days...I swallowed a lump in my throat.

He removed his pants, and decency demanded I avert my gaze. I'd planned to play somekind of prank on him when I followed him out here, perhaps "borrow" a piece of his clothing and hide it in the camp, but such petty actions seemed beneath me now...I'm not entirely sure why, but I couldn't bring myself to interrupt the few minutes he'd managed to steal for himself. I waited until he waded into the stream to begin bathing, and snuck back to the camp as quietly as I could manage. My heart was pounding in my chest. What's wrong with you, Rikku, I thought fervently...why did you have to follow him? I didn't know why, but I couldn't bring myself to feel properly guilty, either.

After I was sure I was out of his, and anyone else's earshot, I ran as fast as my feet would carry me. My gaze never scanned the ground to make sure my footing was safe and I didn't bother to check the forest for fiends. In my desperation, I felt myself wanting to offer a prayer to any being that would listen, just to allow me to get out of there in one piece and to a place where I could compose myself. My carelessness caught up with me as an errant root pulled my foot out from under me and sent me crashing to the ground. Hard shards of crystal bit into the flesh of my hands and knees as I attempted to break my fall. I frantically pulled myself to my feet, ignoring the pain and the rivulets of blood running from scores of the tiny wounds. The camp was in sight now and I forced my body to take the last few steps that would bring me into the safety of the ring of tents.

I went straight to my tent to ponder what I'd just seen, hoping no one would follow and inquire about my wounds. At first, I huddled up under my blanket, feeling a sudden unearthly chill. My hands and body shook uncontrollably...What had I done? What right had I to intrude upon him like that? Blood continued to run into the blanket as I clutched it, but I didn't care. All I wanted was to clear my mind of that wretched man. At length I peered out from under the cover of the blanket and fetched my canteen from the far corner of my tent. The water stung as I poured it over the cuts to wash away the blood, but I couldn't afford to let any of the others see me in this state. When I was satisfied that I looked as normal as possible, I took a sip from the container, recapped it, and placed it back in its corner. I stood up, smoothed my clothing and hair, and figured the best thing I could do was attempt to act normal even if I didn't feel normal.

Tidus and Kimahri were still making rounds of the perimeter of the camp, searching for fuel for the fire. I joined them. If they hadn't found enough by now, they would need all the help they could get. I wandered a little farther afield than they did, preferring as much privacy as I could manage and still maintain sight of the camp. I wasn't aware of the footsteps behind me until their owner was too close to be avoided. My heart sank, I really didn't want to have to deal with anyone right now. But, I didn't have a good excuse to be rude, so I slowly turned to face the other.

I almost dropped the few twigs and bits of wood I'd managed to find. Auron! Did he know? "Uh...Sir Auron...um...Hello?" Ouch...if he didn't suspect before, he definately had to know something was up now. I don't believe I'd ever used his title before.

The impassive face softened perceptibly and he chuckled. At least he wasn't angry with me, if he was aware of what I'd seen at the stream. "I certainly hope you were better at concealing yourself during your days as a thief."

I felt my face turn a bright shade of red. I broke eye contact with him, suddenly finding the ground very interesting. "You...you knew?"

"Yes, I did."

"How?" I asked, incredulous. I'd always thought myself very good at escaping detection.

"You can't be a guardian for as long as I have and not be aware of your surroundings," he said simply. It made sense. He'd been a guardian almost as long as I'd been alive - of course he'd have honed his skills to near perfection.

"But you didn't stop me? I mean...the whole point was to have some privacy, right?" I asked.

Auron shrugged. "You posed no threat to me."

"But you're not angry that I saw you..." I had trouble finishing the sentence. "...err, you know that you were...uh..."

"Naked?" He asked, expressionless.

"Well, yeah. I mean, I wouldn't want anyone to see me..."

He grinned. "Modesty is a luxury I learned to do without."

"Yet you wanted to be alone..." I ventured, not sure I should have brought it up.

All traces of amusement left his face, and I immediately regretted the remark. He absently adjusted the position of his glasses on his face. "For...other reasons."

Reasons he didn't realize I knew...

"I'm sorry, I didn't...well I didn't intend to intrude on you like that," I said, mostly in apology for what I'd seen in his thoughts rather than underneath his clothing.

"You didn't disturb me overmuch this time, but if I go off alone, I generally want to be alone." Ah...a tempered, diplomatic version of "leave off, little girl." I'd not expected him to couch the request in such words. Maybe he was trying to spare me further embarrasment. I nodded my head, and he turned and left. If only he knew what I'd actually seen...he'd have been upset, and with good reason.


	7. ...Shall Set You Free

Chapter 7 

I didn't sleep an hour in the three days that had passed since I spied on Auron in the stream. I spent the long hours of the night lying awake, pondering the situation. Over and over, the scenario played through my tired mind. A fitting penance I suppose, for invading the thoughts of the legendary guardian. I could never live like that, I don't care what he's been through, I'd go mad inside the prison of my own mind, with only my own thoughts for company. Like a love-sick Al Bhed girl was any better, I chided myself. Yeah, I'd finally learned to accept it...I was falling for Auron. There was no way around it. I hated to admit it, I didn't want to love him...it was improper in so many ways, but I couldn't stop myself. I pleaded with the fates, prayed to any god that would listen to release me from this horrid feeling in my gut, to make me stop craving his attention and his company. No relief was forthcoming. It was just me and my wretched feelings. I cursed my heart for its  
betrayal.

The third day in Macalania woods was quickly changing into night as we neared the end of the trail. The eerie beauty of this place never quite faded to the back of my mind, for no two days were ever the same. I wasn't sure whether I was glad to be this close to the temple or not, each step closer was a reminder of the inevitibility of Yunie's pilgrimage. There was no denying the end. She'd the will and the means to complete the pilgrimage and the others would see it done at any cost. Especially Auron. I could appreciate now that it must have hurt him somewhere within his being to force so young a girl, the daughter of his former master, to the same fate as Braska. Were it in his power to prevent her sacrifice and still defeat Sin, he would have given everything he still possessed to make the possibility a reality. I didn't quite agree with him on everything, but I did respect his complete dedication to the mission.

We continued on the path, which meandered up the incline of a small hill, when Auron stopped suddenly. He walked over to one of the larger crystal trees and examined it for a moment. "Wait," he said. "It's here...somewhere."

Tidus beat me to the question. "What's here?"

Cryptic as ever, Auron replied, "Something you should see."

Yuna spoke up. "But, Sir Auron..." Now, not that long ago, I'd have given good money to see her oppose him openly, but I knew better now. If Auron thought it important enough to bring up without being consulted, it must indeed be of great importance. Reluctantly, I found myself siding with him.

"It won't take long," he explained. And that was that. He unsheathed his sword and without so much as a backward glance made a few quick slices at the tree he'd been looking at. The trunk and undergrowth gave beneath the tremendous force he generated with the blade, and in no time a path was cleared off to our side. Auron rested a moment, panting slightly from his exertion and resheathed the blade. We walked into a clearing bordering on a lake.

Tidus stepped forward and glanced at the water's edge. "This place, it's just water, isn't it?"

Auron shook his head and then answered. "This is what spheres are made of. It absorbs and preserves people's memories."

As if to punctuate the older guardian's words, a large sphere emerged from the water and took on a menacing quality. It floated slowly toward the party, and Auron drew his sword once more, encouraging the others to make ready for battle. "Fiends are also attracted to these places," he offered as Lulu and Tidus formed up on either side of him.

They engaged the spherical fiend and quickly learned to anticipate its periodic changes in both strength and weakness. For his part, Auron goaded the creature into revealing its favored element by attacking the sphere until it lashed out with a spell. Lulu used the information he garnered to counter with the appropriate opposing elemental spell. Tidus, and the others who stepped in periodically, kept the swordsman and magician healed and in prime fighting condition. It was slow going, but eventually the sphere melted into oblivion and it was finally over. The fiend's departure from the mortal world drew our attention to a harmless spherical recording device sitting in the water.

Wakka carefully took the object into his hand and looked it over. "Whoa! This is old. Don't know if you can play it back."

Auron nodded. "Jecht left it here ten years ago." Everyone else, myself included, gasped in surprise. Auron motioned toward Wakka with his head. "Play it back." Wakka did so, and we gained our first look into the pilgrimage of Auron, Jecht, and Braska.

Some of what I saw honestly shocked me. The Auron captured in the sphere was in some ways only superficially different from the companion I'd known during our journey, but some aspects of him made him seem a completely different man. The devotion to his summoner was there, the fierce loyalty that drove him to protect Braska now guided Yuna on her pilgrimage. The same blade was mounted on his back in the same way he wore it at present. The same red robe covered the same shirt and pants he still wore - or at least the same style. I fervently hoped they weren't the exact same garments. The only difference was that he wore the left arm and shoulder of the robe off all the time, even when outside combat. The Auron I knew kept the robe up over his left shoulder when not in battle, and tucked the bare left arm into it as though in a sling. What had compelled this change?

Young Auron was still deadly serious and duty minded, though more outspoken in the scenes we saw in the sphere. He clearly did not like Jecht, something which I guess must have changed over the course of their journey together, judging from the way he spoke of the man now. Braska was apparently the referee, keeping the two men from coming to blows more than once in the sphere's images. Although Auron always treated Yuna with the respect due her position, he did not worship her the way he did her father. I wondered if Yuna noticed...His loyalty to Braska was deeper, perhaps a product of their closeness in age and shared experiences.

Of course, there was no scar on the right side of young Auron's face. His eyes were intense and lively, something I'd not seen at all in our present companion. As I'd anticpated three days previous, young Auron was utterly breathtaking, the most beautiful creature I'd ever seen. Oh, to be there a decade ago! The elder Auron was a man defeated, robbed of hope, and perhaps of the innocence the man in the sphere still reveled in. More importantly, Auron had a close friend in Braska, someone to share his thoughts and feeling with, someone he could rely upon, and who relied upon him. Auron had no such person today, I noted...maybe, just maybe, I could change that. The exuberance of youth, the comfort of close friends...exchanged in Zanarkand ten years ago for what? Cold, impersonal knowledge, and another dose of duty...this time utterly alone. I shivered, not envying Auron's burden at all, and feeling the sensation in my gut flare up. I wanted to comfort him, to make him believe  
he could have those things back...if only for a little while.

The last scene in the sphere was a personal message to Tidus from his father, though we all watched it with interest. I gather Tidus didn't care...not much was capable of changing his feelings about Jecht, and given what I knew about their relationship I couldn't really blame Tidus for feeling the way he did. After the last scene played, the sphere shut itself off, and there was a brief silence.

"He sounded almost serious, but it was too late," Tidus finally remarked.

Auron took up the defense of his old fellow guardian. "He was serious. Jecht had already accepted his fate."

Tidus scratched his head. "His fate?"

Auron turned his back to the group and his voice took on a wistful quality. "Jecht...He..." The scarlet-clad guardian stopped mid-thought to compose himself. "He always talked about going home, to Zanarkand." Where's home for you, Auron? Where would you most like to be when this is over?

Auron continued, "That's why he took all those pictures - To show them to you when he returned. But as he journeyed with us and came to understand Spira, and Braska's resolve..." Auron hung his head...in shame? "It happened gradually, but Jecht changed." As have you, Auron, as have you...as have I. This journey leaves no one unscathed.

Auron looked up again. "He decided he would join Braska in his fight against Sin."

Tidus looked puzzled and a little hurt. He should have been his father's world, not a planet full of people whose culture and way of life were all but alien to both father and son. "So then, he gave up on going home?"

"That was his decision," Auron explained.

Tidus reflected on Auron's words for a moment, trying to come to grips with a vision of his father that he'd never really considered I guess. To be honest, I was somewhat shocked by Auron's description of Jecht as well. Auron took Tidus aside and the two exchanged a few more words. I was envious of the blond blitzballer, alone with Auron...without the tension that accompanied my interactions with the older man.

The group broke up to make camp while Tidus and his mentor were engaged in conversation. I quickly pitched my tent and sat down for a moment, intending only a momentary rest. I closed my eyes, and my fatigue got the better of me. Three days without an hour of sleep'll do that to you...

I was awakened by Lulu's hand on my shoulder. "It's your watch, Rikku. There's some of the stew left in the kettle by the fire if you're hungry." I wasn't, but I nodded in understanding. When she left, I yawned and rubbed my eyes before stepping out into the pitch black of full night. I must have been out three hours or more. A chill had set in, and I shivered as a breeze passed through our clearing. I paused to warm myself by the fire and then set out into the woods to find a good vantage point from which to keep my watch.

My eyes took their time adjusting to the dark...we Al Bhed are accustomed to dealing with the glare of the harsh sun on the desert sands, after all. I made my way through the forest mostly by stepping gingerly along a footpath through the undergrowth until I trusted my vision enough to guide me. At last, I came to a high point overlooking our camp, a good place to keep watch from.

But, the place was already claimed. Auron's scarlet figure was seated on a fallen log near the crest of the little hill. I hesitated. He'd told me not to approach him when he was alone...and yet, I didn't want to cede the perfect vantage point to him. Perhaps we could come to somekind of understanding and both make use of the location. Auron must have heard me approaching, and guessed who I was, because he addressed me without turning to look at me. His gloved right hand rested on the open jug at his side. Before he spoke, he raised the container to his lips and took a short sip of the liquid it contained.

"Go back to camp, Rikku."

Part of me wanted to obey, but I had a duty to the group. "I...err...didn't know you were here. Anyway, I'm on watch now, and this is the best spot to use for it." I folded my arms across my chest in defiance of him. Not that he looked.

His tone remained level, but took on a moderately threatening quality. "Then take your watch elsewhere. I was here first."

I walked around to face him from the front. He'd removed the collar in order to facilitate his drinking. No way was I going to give up and let him bully me like this. "You're awfully mean tonight."

He didn't take the bait. "I've told you before, if you see me alone, leave me that way." Auron took another sip from the jug.

I met his gaze, determined not to break contact first. "No," I said simply. He didn't respond, and merely raised the jug to his lips again. "Are you...?" I began.

"Drunk?" He chuckled. "Not yet, but perhaps before the evening is out..." He raised the jug to me in a kind of toast, but didn't drink from it.

My eyes had fully dark-adjusted and I took a closer look at him. It wasn't like Auron to indulge this close to a temple, but maybe the day's events had been too much for him after all. His dark glasses were still in place and the errant lock of hair hung in his face as always. His expression was one of bitter amusement and after a short moment, I thought I saw a tear run down his cheek on the side of his good eye. I gasped and immediately covered my mouth. Auron...crying...I thought I'd never see the day...

He must have realized I saw it, for he turned his head away from me again, and tried to rid himself of me. "Leave me in peace, Rikku. I won't ask again..." But I didn't move. "Damn it, girl! I shouldn't have to beg." His voice sounded more pleading and resigned than angry, but the message was the same. He wanted me gone, and fast. I stood my ground.

Auron fell silent, understanding that no words of his would drive me from this place. It had started as a battle over territory, but now it had evolved into another one of those challenges to figure out what exactly Auron was thinking. I wasn't going to give up, on principle. I slowly walked toward the log and sat down on his left side. He didn't protest, but nor did he acknowledge my presence.

A second tear traveled down his left cheek. Auron lifted the jug to his mouth again and drank deeply this time. When he replaced the container at his side, I hesistantly reached up toward his face. Before I could touch him, his left hand seized mine at the wrist. His grip was tight, serious. He did not want to be touched. I struggled against the vise-like grip of his larger hand, but to no avail.

"Auron...that hurts." He released me immediately. Against my better judgement, I started my hand toward him again. He didn't move to intercept it this time, though. I took hold of his glasses and slowly removed them from his face. He remained motionless. I folded the glasses and set them down beside me. I took a deep breath and raised my hand to stroke his hair. It was surprisingly soft and fine, in stark contrast to the man whose head it adorned.

"Why...do you insist on doing this to me?" It came out in a hoarse whisper. He gathered more resolve. "You're not blind, you know it makes me very uncomfortable."

What could I say to him? The truth? "I...you're lonely...I think it's a worse to be lonely, than to be made uncomfortable by a person who cares for you."

His eye narrowed and his voice became harsh. "You don't...you can't...Rikku, what you feel for me is pity, nothing more."

I was in shock. Here, I'd overcome my fear of telling him how I felt about him...after three long, agonizing days coming to grips with my feelings...and this is how he reacted. Maybe he felt as threatened by it as I had at first...no...more threantened than I could have ever hoped to feel. Auron had gone to great lengths to ensure he'd never be in a situation where he'd share an emotional attachment to another person again. My feelings and actions threatened the world he'd constructed for himself...one that had insulated him from reality for ten long years. I'd no right to blame him for his reaction...but that didn't make his words sting any less.

Tears now came unbidden from my own eyes and I tried in vain to control the sobs that wracked my body. It was useless...it was my turn to fall apart, and in front of him. I wanted to curl up and die, I wished that I had heeded his warnings and advice and departed before embarking on this ill-fated path. I withdrew my hand from his temple and covered my eyes with both hands.

Try as I might, I could not stem the flow of liquid from my own eyes. I became oblivious to Auron's presence and withdrew into myself. I felt as if the heart had been ripped from my chest, and the feeling in my stomach had transformed from one of tenderness and compassion to a ragged, pulsing wound. At that moment, I wanted all of the feelings to go away, and never return.

A hushed voice beside me whispered, "Yevon, what have I done?" in pained tones.

I felt two strong arms enfold me, one covering the back of my head, and the other around my shoulders. Auron pulled my head to his chest. One rough, callused thumb moved across my cheek and wiped away some of the tears. He began to rock slightly, whispering to me.

"Shh...please, stop crying. I...I didn't intend for it to come out that way...please..."

I tried to stop, I really did. I don't know how long I actually continued to cry, or how long he held me...but he didn't speak again. That was fine with me. I believe I expended what little energy I had left sobbing in his arms. I knew I'd feel guilty afterwards, and ashamed...but his presence was warm and comforting despite the harshness of his words. As much as I was able, I enjoyed the closeness of Auron, but mourned that it had to happen this way. Eventually, I felt myself slide toward unconsciousness, still sitting there with him.

He must have sensed it, because he adjusted his position and the placement of his arms. Auron stood up...he must be carrying me. Yes, we were moving now, and I tenatively opened one eye. We were approaching camp. He took me to one of the tents, either mine or his, and entered it with me still in his arms.

Auron tried to set me down on a bedroll, but my hands refused to release his coat. A sigh escaped his lips and he lay me down as well as he could manage, taking care to place my head softly on the pillow. He gently pried my finger from his coat and removed the garment, spreading it over my prone body. He laid down behind me, pulled the blanket up over himself, and pulled me close to him again. The last sensation I felt was that of him pressing his lips to the back of my head in a silent kiss. His arm tightened around me, and I gave myself over completely to sleep.


	8. To Have Loved and Lost

Chapter 8

I rested fitfully that night, too full of inner turmoil to sleep well. My only consolation was that Rikku was able to sleep soundly. I thought about leaving for my own tent after she settled down, but something indescribable kept me there, holding onto her. Yevon, I was loathe to admit it, but it was possible...maybe even likely...no, no it wasn't, I told myself. You designed it this way, Auron, you made sure you'd never need anyone again. And it needed to stay that way. For Yuna's sake, for Rikku's, and for my own, it had to. I had to stop this.

And yet...there was a forgotten, buried part of me that wanted this, more than anything. It threatened to rise up, through all of the layers of defense I'd built both against myself and the outer world. The outer wall of calm I projected had always been a bit of a lie, I knew that, but it didn't mean others had to. My existence was a constant struggle to maintain many unnatural states...the fight against the Farplane, the fight against my feelings, the fight to hold myself to promises made all those years ago. My one vanity was that I knew I could win those struggles and I was utterly unable to forgive myself if I even considered the possibility of failure. But laying there, arms wrapped around her, for those few hours nothing else mattered. The promises, the pilgrimage would be there in the morning, but I was learning to appreciate that they didn't have to be there every second of every day.

I must make a decision, and soon. My own feelings aside, I owed it to Rikku. I'd hurt her pretty badly last night, and would be paying for it for quite a while. On the one hand I wanted to slap myself for even considering carrying on a relationship with the girl. She's sixteen for Yevon's sake...where's your sense of decency, old man? She's young enough to be your daughter! It was a weak excuse. Her sixteen years had been far from sheltered - she was not the kind of coddled city girl that had followed Tidus in droves around Zanarkand. She was old enough and experienced enough to have pierced through the outer layers of my isolation.

Rikku was doing something no one had ever attempted before, much less succeeded at...she wanted to understand me and she was making alarming progress. I admit that on some level, I was flattered by the attention and longed to be able to release all that was pent up inside me, to rely on someone else for once. Rikku...she was too young, she deserved better. To fully reveal myself to her, it would destroy her and I could never live with myself if I allowed it to happen. How could I tell this to her in a way that would make her abandon her stubborn resolve...whichever words I chose, I was sure would produce just the opposite effect I was trying to achieve. I sighed. Why you, Rikku, why now? I...ten years ago...there would have been no question, no reservations...

Frustrated and restless, I carefully slipped out from under the blanket, reclaimed my arms from the sleeping Al Bhed, and exited the tent. Over the horizon, the sun's rays were just beginning to peek through the overcast sky. I'd always risen with the sun, as long as I can remember being a guardian. It wouldn't do to have a summoner waiting on his guardians, no, it should be the other way around. We were there to serve him...or her...and he deserved our full attentions and efforts.

The fire in the center of the camp still burned, and I sat down beside it to ponder my situation. A few minutes later, the rustling of material and buckles announced the arrival of Lulu. Neither of us said a word for some minutes, and Lulu grabbed a bowl and took a portion of the stew. Out of respect, she offered it to me first, but I wasn't hungry and waved it away. She took a seat across the fire and began eating.

After a while, she looked up at me, attempting to make conversation. "Going for the minimalist approach today?"

I didn't get it at first. "Huh?"

She smiled. "Your face isn't covered...and your robe..."

I'd totally forgotten to replace the collar and glasses before I'd left Rikku's tent. How could I have been so careless? Damn...I hoped Lulu wouldn't suspect the truth. "The robe I sent to bed with Rikku last night. It was cold, she was tired, and I took over the watch for her." Better to offer the answer to that question before it was asked. "As for the rest," I shrugged. "I didn't expect anyone else to be up this early."

Lulu didn't say anything more, though I caught her surreptitiously examining me through the fire, when she believed I wouldn't notice. Was my face really that intriguing? Or was I just getting paranoid in my old age?

I eventually got up from the fire when the sky began to brighten a bit more. It wouldn't be wise to allow any of the others the chance to question my appearance. I returned to Rikku's tent when I was sure no one was watching. Rikku groaned and turned onto her other side when I opened the tent flap and went in. She reached out to where I'd been during the night.

"Mmm...Auron?" she asked lazily.

I sat down beside here. "I'm here."

She peeled back the blanket, sat up and rubbed her eyes. Rikku pulled my coat out from beneath the jumble of blankets and set it around her shoulders. Carefully, she slid her right arm into the appropriate sleeve, and then after pausing to think a moment, slid her other arm into the disused left sleeve. I grinned. It was probably the first time the sleeve had been occupied in substantially more than a decade. The garment was entirely too large for the diminutive Al Bhed and gave her a comical appearance.

"I know it's too big. I'm not planning on going out like this, you know, " explained Rikku.

I laughed. "I wouldn't mind if you did, but I'd like to have it back eventually. We can't have me running around half-naked...people would suspect something."

Rikku glanced downward for a second. She pushed the too-long red sleeves up over her elbows and siezed my left hand in both of hers, clasping it tightly. "I'm glad you stayed with me last night. I...I made a fool of myself up there, didn't I?"

Was there an answer that wouldn't get me in trouble? The truth perhaps...but that wouldn't help me end the situation and there was no getting around it. I had to end it before it went any further. "No...not at all." Please believe me Rikku, please...it was I who wronged you...but I couldn't bring myself to voice the rest of the thought.

It was she who broke the ensuing silence. For two people just discovering the true nature of their feelings about each other, we sure didn't have an easy time communicating. "You know, you're really handsome when you smile. I wish you'd do it more often." Hastily, she added, "Not that you're not handsome normally, it's just...well, I really like seeing you happy."

I admired her bravery and ability to voice her feelings. In that regard she was a good deal more mature than I, but then, she'd not suffered through the long years of loss and loneliness that I had. It became clear to me that her feelings for me really were more than just an adolescent crush turned obsession. She really was in love. Yevon help her, I didn't deserve it, and I couldn't allow it. "You're just being nice to a homely old man..." I tried to soften my words with a smile.

She didn't answer my accusation immediately, but she held my gaze and her face took on a sympathetic look. "You don't really believe that, do you? I couldn't fall in love with an ugly man." Rikku's tone remained deadly serious and matter-of-fact.

It was my turn to be on the defensive. "Well, I...Let's just say that women were very attentive to me in my youth." I blushed. "You saw what I used to look like in the sphere...before..." My free hand absently reached up to my face and fingered the long, disfiguring scar. After my death at the hands of Yunalesca, I traveled the world looking for Sin, my best bet for reaching Jecht's Zanarkand. Where the people of Spira had viewed my newly-healed wound as the mark of a conquering hero and accorded me the respect due a great warrior, the inhabitants of the dream city reacted to my face with fear and revulsion. They treated me with the disdain they reserved for dangerous criminals and street toughs. Jecht's Zanarkand had never known Sin, and had no reason to venerate men who bore the marks of that terrible, eternal battle against the creature. It became necessary for me to obscure my face in order to get around in the city with any anonymity, and I didn't mind - much. The  
disguise fit in well with the man I'd become in the aftermath of the end of the pilgrimage. But never, in my wildest dreams, did I believe that any woman, in either world, would look upon my face in love...with the possible exception of Zanarkand's "professional" women...and their motives were purely financial.

Rikku leaned forward briefly and gently kissed the scar where it transversed my empty right eye socket. She finished my statement. "...before Yunalesca did that to you?"

I was in shock. I pulled my left hand from her grasp and mopped away the beads of sweat forming on my brow. "How did you know about that?" I asked in a hushed whisper.

She broke eye contact again and all of her confidence left her. Rikku withdrew her trembling hands into the sleeves of my robe and crossed her covered arms over her chest, huddling into a ball. "I should have told you last night, but I never got the chance."

I motioned impatiently for her to continue and she did, "That night I saw you bathing in the stream...I don't know how, but I could sense your thoughts, and the stronger the emotions triggered by them, the more detail I was able to make out. You must have been thinking about Yunalesca, the end of your pilgrimage. I didn't go there with the intention of finding out your secrets, and I was ashamed to find out that way.

"I know you don't want for people to know those kinds of things about you...you don't want anyone to know how painful everything's been. And at first, I vowed never to let on that I knew...but that moment was also when I began to love you and I knew I could never hold this back from you, either. That's...everything..."

I stared at her in awe. I never would have been capable of such a confession. From where did she draw the strength to face me like this? I cursed myself for my stupidity. I should have known better when I chose that stream to bathe in...it probably had its source in the lake by our camp. That would explain why she had been able to sense my thoughts. And here she thought it was her fault...

I hesitated to take advantage of the opening her confession had provided. I would have gladly suffered any amount of pain in exchange for a release from what I must put her through. In the long run, we'd both be the better for it, but I wasn't feeling particularly comforted by that fact right now. What a lousy time to learn my first lesson in living for the moment.

I allowed my emotions to remain plain on my face, for her benefit. It hurt to be so raw, so open, but there was no other way. I was still the stronger of the two of us, emotionally, and it was my duty to spare her as much as possible. I took a deep breath and considered what I'd say. The long silence had already gotten to Rikku, however...

"Auron? Say something...please..."

"Rikku..." I couldn't force myself to continue. I took both of her hands in mine and sighed. Releasing her hands, I pulled her to me in a tight embrace, setting her head on my shoulder...on my blind side. I couldn't bear to look at her. "I...I can offer you nothing but pain. That's all I've got left." The last was little more than a plaintive whisper into her ear.

Defiantly, she replied, "That's not true, Auron. It's not true! Your presence is calming and comforting to me. Last night...I've never slept so well in my life. You make me feel...safe."

I didn't have anything prepared to say in response. She wasn't finished, though. Separating herself from me, she knelt in front of me, her face level with my own. Her hands threaded into my hair at the temples and closed around the back of my head. Rikku forced me to maintain eye contact with her as she concluded. "I can do the same for you. Let me bear part of the burden you've carried for so long. You need this...you want this...I felt it in you, and I feel it now."

Damn your insight, Rikku. You're making this harder than it has to be. "No, Rikku."

"Why not?" she challenged. "I never asked for you to protect me!" The words of a petulant child...no, that's not quite right...

"You musn't shout, Rikku," I chided, mostly to buy myself time. She deserved better...she'd proven herself my intellectual equal, and it wasn't right for me to treat her like a child. Out with it, old man. "I'm old, Rikku, old enough to have been your father. There are men your own age who have far more to offer you than I." Judging from the expression on her face after that, I could tell I shouldn't have played that card. She didn't care about the age difference, and everything else being equal, neither did I.

Time to try a different approach. Duty. As a guardian, she'd have to understand. "It's not just about me...our...our being together would interfere with Yuna's pilgrimage. You know I can't allow that. My first...my only duty is to her." If only you were the summoner in this group, Rikku...our relationship would have been a great asset to the party...but being who we are, it could only get in the way.

She knew I was right, and protested no further. She stiffly removed her hands from my hair and stood in a single fluid motion. Rikku fetched my collar and glasses and put them on me, wordlessly. She was in agony, and in shock. The Al Bhed slipped out of my robe, motioned for me to stand, and dressed me in complete silence. I honestly have no idea why I allowed it...maybe it was her way of coping with the pain. She belted the garment around my waist and rotated me in the direction of the tent's exit. I didn't resist...I'd already done enough harm.

"I hate you," she said quietly. "Yes, I hate you," she repeated. Suddenly, her maturity, intellect and insight were gone, and all that remained was a deeply wounded sixteen year old whose only defense was to lash out at the one who'd inflicted this upon her. I couldn't blame her for it...I'd have reacted the same way, myself. I left her tent silently, not looking back. She clearly wanted to be alone, and I obliged her. I hated myself and my damned conscience. I wanted, more than anything, to be able to go back inside the tent, offer up my apologies, and take her up on her offer. Her words had held more truth than I'd expected, or wanted to admit. Going back to her would have been easy. Each step away from her tent was a struggle.


	9. Guardian's Bane

Chapter 9

I didn't really hate him, but I wanted to. I burned inside, every single nerve in my body flayed raw by his refusal. He'd left my tent in peace, sensing my need to be alone with my feelings. It was more than I'd ever allowed him. And in that moment, the gulf betwixt us - nineteen years, different lives and radically different personalities, even different approaches to the same sworn duty - was painfully apparent. It seemed that very gulf existed within my own stomach as well, a seething void, the previous seat of my love for a man who, in the end, proved to be unlovable, unreachable, and untouchable. The bitter irony of it never left my mind, that in his moment of greatest need, Auron had disallowed himself the comfort I offered. Ever the stoic, Auron, you'd be alone to the end, shutting yourself behind whatever barricades necessary to execute your damnable duty. You'd withhold your own humanity from yourself, deny your very existence, walk the same perilous path that led  
to your downfall...and all for what? Would the end satisfy you, or would you merely carve another notch in your belt and welcome the next task with the same ferocity you channeled into this one?

Yes, he continued to dominate my thoughts in spite of my best efforts to the contrary. My ambivalence toward the scarlet guardian remained sequestered within my own mind. He was correct in one regard, whatever I felt for him must not be allowed to interfere with my duty to Yuna. And yet, that same duty would eventually impel us back into conflict, Auron. You would ceaselessly push for the completion of the pilgrimage, and I would advocate abandoning it. I dreaded being at odds with him, Auron was the last man I desired to make an enemy of, especially since he still reserved a special place in my heart. Were some otherworldly influence to change his mind, to drive him back toward me, I would welcome his presence and wipe the bitterness from my mind and feelings.

When he'd made it clear that he would never allow us to be together, I realized something about the man. He was constructed differently than the rest of us mere mortals. Normal human beings treasured their survival instinct above all else, and no matter how noble their words and deeds, always acted for the self in the end. They fought to protect themselves at any cost. Auron was different, Auron's instincts were the mirror image of all of humanity. His first thought, his first action was always to protect someone else weaker than he, usually a summoner or an innocent. Auron was strength incarnate. He absorbed damage of any kind for others on a daily basis, be it dashing in front of Yuna to intercept a strike intended for her, or opening himself up emotionally to me for that brief instant yesterday. That thought haunted me...however much hurt I'd felt in that encounter, knowing him, he'd reserved the larger portion by far for himself. It simply wasn't fair, and the thing that  
daunted me the most was his blindness...As surely as he'd never again see out of his right eye, Auron would eventually break under the stress. Who guards the guardian?

I avoided him. I refused to engage the man in conversation of any kind. I didn't participate in battles when he did. The coward's way out, I know, but I needed desperately to distance myself from Auron. Nothing fazed him, and he betrayed no outward sign of what had passed between us. It all fell back into place so easily, the cold, distant visage, the detached attitude, the distance from his companions. Auron was Auron. I was a mess. And suddenly, just like that, I was forced to the fore by circumstances.

We departed Macalania forest and arrived at another of Rin's omnipresent Travel Agencies, but before we abandoned the old camp site, a strange sort of instinct drove me to fill my canteen with water from the sphere-lake. My countryman must be making a fortune off of us, and all summoner parties, I realized. The creepy Guado servant waited for us there. He took Yuna from our care, with Auron's blessing in preparation for her wedding to Maester Seymour. Her departure was interrupted by several of my kinsmen.

My brother and a band of Al Bhed had attempted to kidnap Yuna from us. Apparently my father had counted my mission a failure and sent Brother and his comrades to accomplish what I could not. I tried to explain what I'd been doing since I was dispatched to bring Yuna to safety, but my words fell on deaf ears. Brother attacked us with a machina designed to inhibit magic and the summoning of aeons. In the end, we were able to defeat it, but I was forced to explain how I came by my position to my brother. He departed, but promised to report my apparent betrayal to my father.

In the ensuing chaos, I released some of my frustration on Wakka. Granted, the blitzballer was about the most stereotypical "true believer" to ever exist, but he didn't deserve the words I hurled at him. I displaced onto him the anger that I still felt toward Auron, and venom issued from my mouth under the guise of challenging the redhead's religious beliefs. Neither of us was going to cede ground in the battle over dogma, and Auron ended it by bringing out attention back to the mission at hand. The Guado servant had departed with Yuna during my arugment with Wakka, and I felt ashamed at having allowed my summoner and cousin to disappear without my notice.

"Rikku!" Auron shouted, indicating one of the snowmobiles abandoned by my brother's hasty retreat. "Will this thing move?"

I was loathe to approach the older guardian, but Yuna was gone, and duty demanded it. Slowly, I ambled toward the machina Auron had gestured at, and I examined the engine, fuel tanks, and steering system for damage.

"It seems to be okay. You'll be hard pressed to find someone to drive it, though." I tried to convey in no uncertain terms that I was not willing to be that person.  
Auron didn't buy it, and the others were already beginning to mount the vehicles, bragging of their expertise in operating them. "See? They're having no trouble at all," Auron observed.

Kimahri had departed alone and the other members of the party had already paired off and were heading toward the temple on their snowmobiles. That left just me and Auron...and a single one of the machina. Reluctantly, I boarded the machine, turned it on, and waited for him to sit down. He seated himself behind me, and wrapped both his arms about my waist. There was nothing affectionate about his embrace. He was all business.

I drove the machina forward, and we sped up the slope of the hill toward Macalania Temple. Auron passed the trip in complete silence. The quiet threatened to drive me insane. I yearned to say something to him, to convince him that his words the previous day were wrong, to share my premonition that his insistence on shouldering everything alone would eventually destroy him completely. But I didn't have the words or the heart to tell him. His way of coping with our shared feelings had been to bury them and resume his duties as best he was able. It was vintage Auron, I thought bitterly. To speak further of any possibility of a relationship would have pulled him from his dispassionate equilibrium and would only hasten the inevitable. He wants it this way, I reminded myself, and this time I promised I would maintain my distance. Thankfully we arrived at the entrance to the temple before I could reconsider. Wordlessly, he released me, dismounted from the snowmobile, and headed to  
the door of the temple.

I followed him and joined the others huddled in the entry to Macalania Temple. A lone priestly guard stood watch over the entrance and regarded each of the guardians carefully as we made our way to the door. I tried to pass the man, but be barred my path with his body.  
"Halt! The likes of her are not welcome in this hallowed place." A cold, accusing finger indicated me, the heathen Al Bhed. I wanted to shout at him, to rail at him as I had Wakka, but Auron had the good sense to step in and smooth the temple guard's ruffled feathers.

"She is a guardian," Auron simply stated.

The hidebound old priest was determined not to give up. "An Al Bhed, a guardian? Preposterous..."

Auron's distant, impersonal glance shifted from the priest to me. There was no warmth in the older guardian's gaze, no indication that he'd ever harbored any feelings for me other than his customary detachment. But, he still defended me. Not because he loved me, I reminded myself, but because I'd pledged myself to Yuna's cause and was technically his equal in responsibility, if not rank. His look instructed me to confirm what he'd begun to tell the priest.

I nodded solemnly. "I've decided to be Yuna's guardian now, and that's all I want." Does that satisfy you, old man...both of you?

It must have met Auron's standards, for he took up for me once again, stating, "And that's all one needs to be a guardian." He wasted no time in pushing past the priest, and glanced back at me to indicate that I should do the same.

The priests permission came a split second too late, I was already on the move, following Auron's lead. "Very well," the priest said with a muffled sigh.

The sphere in Yuna's belongings had confirmed the fears that first surfaced in Guadosalam. Seymour's motives were plain to us, and we rushed into the anteroom of the Chamber of the Fayth to confront him. The half-Guado Maester did not bother to deny our accusations, and at length, Yuna returned from her session with the Fayth. Though exhausted and on the verge of unconsciousness, Yunie joined her guardians in opposing the plans of the twisted Seymour. She reaffirmed her trust in us, holding Sir Auron's gaze the longest to indicate that she placed her full faith in him alone. I couldn't suppress the wave of jealousy that overtook me. Yuna would always command his attention and loyalty in a way that I never could.  
We battled Seymour, and I was careful to stick to my policy of never entering battle while Auron stood wielding that fearsome blade of his. When he moved to the sidelines to catch his breath every once in a while, I hopped in and harassed the enemy as only a rogue could. But as soon as the legendary guardian took the field, I departed to watch the battle from a distance. Auron fought with supreme confidence, yet his manner never betrayed the cockiness I'd have expected from anyone who possessed such skill. He shouldered his blade patiently, looking for an opening to present itself, and siezed upon each chance as it came. His strikes were caculated to inflict the most damage possible while still allowing him to defend his allies from attack.

When it was over, Seymour lay on the ground, his life running from his body. Auron once again assumed a position of authority and instructed the summoner to send the fallen Maester. His words fell on deaf ears, however, as Yuna's naivete and pity compelled her to Seymour's side, checking in vain for signs of life. As the Guado leader's last breath left his lips, Seymour's faithful servant Tromell burst into the room with Guado guards in his wake. Tromell assumed the worst, that we'd murdered Seymour in cold blood. We attempted to present our side of the story, but were stiffled and herded to the front of the temple.  
A flash of insight encouraged me to mention the proof of the Maester's intentions. The sphere Jyscal had made could clear our names and show the Guado the error of their former leader's ways. As soon as I brought up the sphere to Tromell, the Guado butler produced the device from the folds of his robe and shattered it, along with any hope we had of setting the record straight. Kimahri and Auron must have seen the futility in continuing to exchange words with the single-minded Guado. They yelled for us to run for the door...and our freedom.

The group was able to push past the startled Guado and clear the entrance of the temple with little trouble. We ran at full speed out the door and down the treacherous, icy paths leading from the building. The Guado guards regained their senses quickly and took off in pursuit of us. Their superior agility eventually allowed them to overtake us and we were forced to expend precious minutes in battle against them and their summons. Our skills and experience allowed us to triumph, but not before the rest of their forces were mobilized.  
Our numb feet carried us to the frozen surface of Lake Macalania, where we were cornered by two high-ranking Guado soldiers and their pet Wendigo. Others were approaching rapidly from the direction of the temple. We'd no choice but to engage the Guado who sprung the ambush on us.

Yuna, Tidus and Auron formed a line in front of the Wendigo and its Guado allies. The two guardians focused on eliminating the Guado handlers, and were able to do so with impressive speed. One of the handlers managed to complete a spell before he died, putting the Wendigo into a dangerous berserk state.

The engraged creature did not wait to be attacked. Instead, it lashed out with its powerful, fur-covered fists and launched itself at Yuna as she chanted the Esuna spell that would remove the creature's unearthly strength. Auron saw the attack coming and calmly positioned himself in the path of the rampaging Wendigo, bracing himself to take the brunt of its attack.

Auron grossly underestimated the strength of his enemy, and the impact from the Wendigo's massive fists send the scarlet-clad guardian flying backwards into a column of ice. Auron's body landed with a loud thud and many audible cracks. I inhaled sharply. The guardian's glasses were knocked from his face by the blow, and his eye betrayed incredible physical pain.

He lifted his head weakly and realized everyone was staring at him. Auron's breath came in ragged gasps and he forced himself to speak. "Don't worry...about me...finish your spell...Yuna." With that, the guardian collapsed into unconsciousness. Even in his state of sheer helplessness, the legendary guardian compelled obedience. Would you take note of that if you weren't so deeply in love with him, Rikku? I asked myself. Was that the only way I could place him at a safe distance from myself...attempting to convert my romantic feelings into a kind of hero worship? I had the odd feeling Auron would be more at ease on a pedestal than in my arms. And yet, his competence, skill, and grace in battle had failed to prevent his current injuries.

Yuna did as she was instructed and removed the berserk from the Wendigo. Kimarhi rushed in to take the place of the fallen Auron, and Lulu replaced the tired Tidus. The black mage chanted the most damaging fire spell she knew, and the beast's hide erupted in flames. Kimahri sliced into the Wendigo's flesh with his polearm and Yuna set about summoning an aeon.

Thoughts of vengeance flooded me. No one had the right to treat Auron that way! I reached into my pack and withdrew a pair of explosives, my rage at seeing Auron laid out fueling my desperate actions. I combined the two devices and lobbed them at the fiend.  
The explosions finished off the beast, and before its body lay still on the ground, I was at Auron's side. I shook the guardian gently, but he didn't respond. Desperate thoughts raced through my mind. I'd tried my best to keep my feelings for the older guardian hidden from the rest of my companions, but my concern for Auron got the best of me. Tears streaked my face as I continued to shake him with increasing violence. Damn it, Auron, answer me! Wake up, you fool! Your job isn't through...Can't you see you're worrying Yuna...hell, forget Yuna, you're scaring me to no end! Normally, Auron would have acted to end such irrational, childish behavior on my part. I'd have given anything to be the object of that unnerving gaze of his, his sharp, biting criticisms, anything...anything but this! But Auron failed to respond to my rough treatment and silent pleas. Something was seriously wrong with him.

His breathing was still irregular, and he was burning with fever. I recovered some of my composure and moved to his head, took it gently in my hands, and placed it in my lap, pausing momentarily to stroke the sweat-soaked hair. With surprisingly steady hands, I unfastened the collar from his clothing and pulled it over his head, tossing it aside. Auron's good eye was clamped shut, his forehead furrowed and mouth drawn in extreme pain, his expression maintained even in his unconsciousness. I retrieved the strongest potion that I could find from my pack, uncorked it, and poured the contents into Auron's mouth. Nothing happened and I began to panic again.

Yuna sat down beside me and took a close look at her father's guardian. Her fingers worked over his entire body, surveying the wounds he'd sustained. She unbuckled his belt, and pulled the scarlet robe away from his midsection, gingerly pressing her hand to his ribs and abdomen.

She shook her head slowly. "He's...broken nearly everything, and there's a lot of internal bleeding. I've got spells for that, but the bones are beyond my abilities. We'd best set and splint them as soon as possible."

I grimaced and dug my fingers deeper into his hair. Yuna got to her feet, closed her eyes and began chanting a spell to ease the bleeding and pain. The others scattered to look for materials to construct the splints and bandages that Auron would require. Kimahri walked off to the side to retrieve Auron's blade where it had fallen from the older guardian's grasp. Reverently, the Ronso took the weapon into his hands, and began to clean it. While everyone was busy, I bent down to kiss the unconscious man's forehead, and began to massage his temples. There was little I could do to heal his wounds, so I focused my attentions on providing what comfort I was able. Damn your nobility, Auron...it's going to get you killed one of these days, if you're lucky enough to get out of this one alive.

I'd had enough of feeling helpless in the wake of his injury. I wanted, no, I needed to be proactive, if even in a small way. Auron was forever intercepting the pain and suffering of others, and I had no way to repay the favor. In fact, when I'd offered, he'd turned me down. Well maybe this time, he didn't have a choice. If he ever recovered and found out what I was about to do to him, there would be no end to his anger. But he wasn't awake to stop me. I took a deep breath...it's always easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.

Supporting his head with one hand, I reached down to my belt to free my canteen with the other. I had no idea if what I planned would work or not, but it was definitely worth a try and harmless at the very worst. I unscrewed the top of the container and peered inside to make sure there was still a substantial amount of the lake water remaining. I drank from the canteen first, noting no difference in the taste of the lake water from normal water. When I finished drinking, I held the canteen to Auron's lips and dribbled as much of the water between them as I dared. I closed the container and replaced it on my belt, feeling no different than I had moments ago.

Against my better judgment, I placed both of my arms beneath his and hauled him up into a sitting position, resting his heavy frame against mine. I wrapped my arms around him, and rested his head against my chest. I didn't remember feeling so tired, but I leaned back, careful to keep Auron's body steady, and closed my eyes. I wasn't quite asleep, but nor was I awake. I had the impression that my consciousness was being pulled from my body, toward a presence much larger than my own.


	10. Amorphous Reality

Chapter 10

The presence continued to draw me toward itself, by way of gravity or some other undeniable force. I felt, rather than saw or heard, this presence. It was an awesome entity, commanding my attention in its entirety, yet utterly undemanding of tribute or worship. Its ardor and passion swept over me, dwarfing my being with its depth of emotion. And yet, all I experienced from it was tinged with a melancholy streak that ran into the very heart of the being. At its core, the being transversed reality and dwelt neither wholly in our world nor in any other. It was a thing in limbo, at once, terrible and exquisitely beautiful in its suffering.

I tried to jolt myself awake. I had never been a spiritual person, it wasn't within my Al Bhed blood or experience to appreciate anything other than the concrete world with its breathtaking order and underlying, complex patterns. Others sought comfort in the supernatural...Al Bhed revered the simple elegance our senses reported to us from the immediate, physical world. I must be hallucinating, I thought desperately, there could be no other explanation for my contact with this mysterious thing. Although my awareness lacked physical form, I endeavored to shake myself free of the grasp of this other in my midst. I immediately came to the realization that it must not want to be here either, and its presence in this place was being compelled by some unknown source.

If we were truly in this together, perhaps I could convince this being to aid me in escaping the influence of whatever bound us to this place, this shared demi-reality. Were my body at my command, I would have reached out a hand to the other, for somehow I knew that speech was worthless here. I made what I believed to be the equivalent gesture with whatever manifestation I possessed here. The other being didn't respond. It did not spurn me, it was simply...dormant. Curious, I willed myself closer to the being, almost in contact with it.

Were we humans, I would have been toe to toe with it, mere fractions of an inch from its body. I would have detected its breath, its scent, and perhaps even picked up faint traces of its heartbeat. But there were no such pulsing signs of life in this existence. I was forced to address my companion in total silence, without any acknowledgement of my own presence. What are you, I wondered...why am I here? What must I do to break free? There was only one way to find out...

I took the risk. I had to...this was going nowhere. I propelled myself into full contact with it. It didn't protest, it didn't betray any sign that it was aware of what I did. With no way to inquire of the being its identity, or what it knew of our shared predicament, I opened myself completely to everything it emitted, and found myself burrowing into its mind hungrily.

I recoiled in agony. Suddenly everything that poured from the other took on the aspect of pure, focused anguish. A white-hot, burning paroxysm tore through my awareness. I pleaded for relief from its tortures, but the feeling refused to fade. It pulsed and glowed, renewing the sensation that wracked every bit of my presence in this nightmare.

My companion, for its part, weathered the periodic attacks with the quiet resignation of experience. A wall of ethereal scar tissue (if we could possess tissue) built up over some horrendously long period of time did little to shield the other from the pain brought on by each wave. The pain was a storm that struck violently, ravaged us, and receded for a few brief moments of jittery calm. The intervening seconds would have been empty but for the horrid anticipation of the next episode. I wanted desperately to be free of this place...I'd pledge myself to anything to be released from this ungodly prison. No one deserved such suffering, not even the most evil of humans.

No way existed to define or determine location in this place. My attention focused on a different part of my companion, in a desperate bid to find solace from our cyclic torture. There was none to be had. Everywhere I turned, I was greeted by a different, equally dismal emotion.

Fear.

Loneliness.

Unbridled rage.

Ultimate and final failure.

The sting of innocence lost.

The death of hope.

Existential emptiness.

And one without par...Deep, resilient love and loyalty soured, fermented into bitterness and unending misery. Self-imposed torture over a scene replayed. Gut-wrenching regret over lost opportunities. This one was too much to bear, it lay sealed away beneath a staunch, desperate vow never to allow a repeat performance. Enclosed in denial, wrapped in a lie, it became the seed of a second chance. A sickly cold shadow of what life should have been...a damper on all emotion to protect the remaining shell of the being. An existence ended for its own sake, yet still animated in the service of some unknown master.

It threatened to close in on me, to consume me and rob me of my own identity. I struggled against the torrent, clawing for purchase in a place with no hands or handholds. The more I resisted, the harder it pushed back. Eventually, it would envelope me completely and I would lose myself in the sea of negative emotion. I didn't have the presence of mind to rail against my assailant, or to ask the questions that inevitably accompanied a turbulent end. I devoted all my efforts to fending off the alien walls of emotion approaching from all sides. My efforts met with diminishing degrees of success and fatigue robbed me of my energy.

I'd always been a person who tried to be rational about death. I'm not sure how I knew the danger I was in, but there was no uncertainty about the fact that my physical self would be torn asunder if my mind was overtaken. I'd most likely thrash myself to death, or impale myself on a friend's borrowed blade. I wouldn't have the patience to seek out some foe to do me in, my life would end by my own hand. It was to be the easiest release from my sealed fate. As I considered all the grisly options, I became aware that my companion had sought its relief in the same way. That choice had cruelly taken away the rest it had so desperately sought. It was not the answer. But...what else was there?

I changed my mind and feverishly went wracked my mind for any other course of action. I did the only thing I could do, when they came for me at last. I embraced the emotions, I welcomed them into my being. Their ferocity subsided a bit, seemingly at a loss. They quickly expanded to fill me, and in doing so, diffused to a livable level. The same thing happened to my companion. I came to the dismal realization that so long as I remained this way, I could never know another day of peace, but still, I was alive. I must begin constructing a set of walls to protect me from the venom I'd taken into myself. But it would only be a temporary defense. There had to be a way to neutralize all this, once and for all.

I came awake, sweat pouring down my face, laying against the cold of the glacier. Auron was still propped against me, unconscious, but now splinted and bandaged where he'd suffered broken bones and bruised ribs. His breathing was less labored than I remember and the fever seemed to have dissipated. Auron would recover given time...and time was something we didn't have. Damn you, Seymour...we couldn't ask the Temple for its aid in knitting our comrade's broken bones.

None of the other party members were nearby. A fire burned in the distance and the group's tents had been set up in a ring about the blaze. Why hadn't they moved Auron to one of the shelters? He would need all the warmth and comfort they could spare...we certainly weren't going anywhere for a while and had nowhere else to turn for help. I caressed Auron's stubbled cheek. What possible reason could they have had to leave you with me? I gently removed the fastener that bound his hair in its tail and ran my fingers through the long, luxurious tresses. You'd kill me if you knew I was doing this...How many times had that mantra gone through my head today? I smiled and wrapped my arms about his exposed neck. I pressed my face into Auron's warm hair and inhaled his scent. Stay out a bit longer, old man, let me enjoy this...it will likely be the last time I'll ever get this close to you...


	11. Temptation

Chapter 11

I lost myself in Auron's warmth and enticing scent, so much so that I never heard the footsteps of Tidus and Wakka as they approached, dragging something behind them. As the new arrivals came into view, it became obvious that the object in question was a litter, presumably to help them in moving Auron to the camp. So that's what delayed them so long...they had to construct this thing.

The sound of Tidus' voice startled me from the pleasant comfort I'd found in Auron's still unconscious form. "What are you, doing, Rikku? We're going to need some help moving that, " he gestured at Auron, grinning, "onto this thing."

Damn! They'd caught me. Tidus was smart, surely he'd see through any excuse I offered. But Wakka on the other hand, he might well believe the explanation I scrambled to come up with. "Err...I, uh, was cold, and it's not like I could go anywhere with him laying on me. So I...sat him up a bit to keep the wind off me."

It was Wakka who answered me, angrily. "Rikku! Sir Auron's not your personal blanket." I blushed a bit, but thankfully Wakka didn't see it and continued lecturing me. "He's hurt pretty bad, you shouldn't have moved him around, ya?"

I mumbled a quick and sincere, "Sorry." It honestly had not occurred to me that moving Auron might have injured him further.

Tidus and Wakka began to take Auron's weight off me, careful to coordinate their movements and disturb the swordsman as little as possible. When they finally had him laid out on the litter, the two started back to camp. "You coming, Rikku?" Wakka called out.

It really was getting chilly without Auron's body heat to shield me from the elements. The wind howled through the icy terrain and I longed to be beside that fire in the center of our encampment. Before I departed for camp, I bent down to pick up the glasses that had been knocked from their customary place on Auron's face in the battle with the Wendigo. I tucked them into a safe pouch on my belt...he'd want them back when he regained consciousness. Not that I'd be the one to return them, I thought...no, my policy of avoiding the guardian in his waking hours still stood.

I finally arrived at the campsite and sat down next to the fire to thaw my numb limbs. Silently, I vowed to outfit myself properly for cold weather the next time we came to one of Rin's shops. At least he would still do business with us, I thought bitterly...no one affiliated with Yevon would, not after Tromell's twisted version of our encounter with Seymour got out.

After I was warmed myself sufficiently to restore my fine motor skills, I took one of the wooden bowls from a canvas bag by the fire and served myself from the cauldron. There was no real meat in today's stew, just the remaining scraps of the dried traveler's fare we'd eaten cold the day before. I shrugged. It wasn't very appealing, but it would assuage my hunger...for a while. As I ate in silence, Wakka and Tidus entered the camp with their burden behind them. They dragged the litter over to Auron's empty tent and began the slow process of moving the man inside. When the task was complete, Wakka approached came over to the fire, ladled some of the stew into an empty bowl and sat beside me.

"You gotta feel sorry for Sir Auron over there, ya? He's still out from that hit he took." Wakka attempted to make conversation.

I had no desire to discuss Auron at the moment, but I couldn't force myself to be rude to Wakka, either. He was only trying to help. "Yeah, looks like he's going to be out of commission for a while." I tried not to let my tone betray the fear I felt for the object of my desire. I still loved the swordsman, even if I couldn't bring myself to face him. The last thing he needed was me inflicting my presence...and my feelings on him. Oh, Auron, why do you have to be such the perfect guardian?

"I saw Yuna go into his tent a while ago. She said something about trying to wake him up. Not good for him to spend so much time unconscious," continued the red-haired blitzballer.

I wondered if Yuna's decision to wake the guardian was prudent. Knowing Auron, it's probably what he'd prefer. The man never liked being helpless before his comrades and his summoner...but he'd relish having to rely on the summoner's healing magic even less. Was there any way Yuna could win? At least if she succeeded in waking him, we could get his input on what to do next. Auron always seemed to have a plan for every contingency...except of course, for his own incapacitation. Auron would never plan on that. I grinned.

Wakka must have taken note. "What's so funny?"

Startled, I told him the truth. "I was thinking about how Auron is bound to be upset when he regains consciousness. He's never liked admitting weakness. It's going to wound his pride terribly."

"In his condition," Wakka began, "I'd think pride would be the last thing he's worried about."

I had to admit that Wakka was right. The last thing Auron was, was shallow. "Yeah...I guess you're right. More likely he's worried about finding a way to conceal his injuries so we can press on with the pilgrimage as soon as possible." There must have been a touch too much admiration in my voice.

Wakka edged closer to me and spoke quietly. "You like Sir Auron, doncha? As more than just a friend, ya?"

Where did that come from? Insight...from Wakka? What was the world coming to? I blushed...Maybe my feelings really were that apparent. I remembered my father saying something about a person in love always being the last to find out. "I...know it's strange...but, yeah. Please, Wakka, promise not to tell anyone else." I restrained the urge the grab him by the shoulders and shake ascent from him.

Wakka grinned broadly and pointed to his chest. "Your secret's safe with me. It's not all that strange...Who can explain why we fall in love with the people we do?" He glanced briefly toward Lulu's tent.

I decided not to comment on the implied meaning of his words. Wakka waxing philosophical was enough to ponder already. At least he didn't think me foolish or immature in my feelings for the older swordsman. If only I could convince Auron to see things that way...He didn't refuse you because of that, I told myself, at least that's not the reason he gave. Auron wouldn't lie about something like that...there wasn't a true mean streak in the man...he was just willing to do almost anything his duty required of him...and that meant never indulging in love.

After a thoughtful pause I said, "Thanks Wakka, for understanding."

Getting up from his seat, he replied, "Anytime," and walked away.

Left to my own devices, I recalled the strange "dream" encounter I'd experienced earlier today. The being I'd been aware of seemed perpetually trapped within its own pain and suffering. I wanted, more than anything, to know just who, or what that had been. Now that there was no threat to my own life, there was only a profound pity for that being within me...even though the pain I took from it had not yet subsided. I doubted that it ever would. The emotions had been so potent...so pervasive...and yet, eerily familiar.

And then it hit me...No! I wanted to scream...it must be wrong. It couldn't be...not...but it was. Auron...the being had been Auron. I was in shock! That...all those emotions...no, I thought, Auron didn't allow himself any emotion. Or did he? In the supposed privacy of his own mind. He was still human after all, still capable of the full range of human feeling. But, the vast majority of what I'd experienced was negative, bitter emotion. Auron projected the absence of all emotion...maybe he was lying to himself...maybe it was the only way a person could deal with suffering of that magnitude.

I fought the urge to cry. No wonder why the man pushed me away from him...I relived our discussion in the tent by the tiny lake in Macalania Forest. Despite my snide remark to the swordsman, he really had tried to shield me from the bitter truth of his existence. And perhaps...just maybe, something within him could have been afraid that I'd stop loving him if I knew the truth. But now, I did know the truth...and my feelings for the man had not changed...if anything, they'd deepened.

And yet...there was no way I could approach Auron with this revelation. He would never hear me out, his anger at my invasion of his mind would prevent him from realizing what had just occurred to me. He'd have a right to be angry, though. The only thing Auron had ever asked of me was to respect his space and his privacy. Each time, I promised him I'd do so, and even intended to keep my word. But when the chips were down, when the opportunity presented itself, I just couldn't keep away. My own insatiable curiousity was largely to blame for the situation I found myself in right now.

Yuna finally emerged from Auron's tent, her exhaustion plain on her face. She walked straight to the fire, where I still sat, and laid one hand on my shoulder. "Sir Auron's awake. He's asked to see you."

I looked up at her, tears welling in my eyes. "Well, I don't want to see him," I said resolutely.

"I don't think he would have asked if it wasn't important to him. Sir Auron usually doesn't ask for frivolous things, " she paused a moment to allow me to appreciate the gravity of her words. "I think it would be best if you honored his request."

Slowly, I stood and locked gazes with my cousin. "Yunie...I just can't...okay? Please don't push me."

Yuna nodded. "I can't...and won't force you to. But I respect Sir Auron's judgement, and I would appreciate it if my guardians did as well."

That sealed it. Suddenly, she was a summoner and I ceased being her cousin. I was no different than any of her other guardians. And if a summoner asked a guardian to do something...well it wouldn't be proper for the guardian to refuse unless the summoner's life hung in the balance. It clearly didn't in this moment. Defeated, I walked toward the entrance to Auron's tent.

Yuna's hushed voice came from behind me. "Thank you, Rikku, I know it will please Sir Auron that you decided to go see him." I suppressed the urge to giggle. Nothing, it seemed, pleased Sir Auron these days. Argh! Now she's got me calling him by his title. "Sir Auron" might be okay for Yuna, but Auron the human being was the man I was interested in.

I drew back the tent flap slowly and peeked my head into the shelter. Auron was laying in the center, his body covered by as many spare blankets as the party could find. Only his pale face shown above the edge of the blankets, his head propped up on top of his folded scarlet robe. His hair was disheveled and his face haggard, but it was good to see him awake and aware again. The moment he saw me, his eye fixed on me, and there was no going back.

I entered the tent completely, and stood at the foot of his body. For an instant, no one said anything, and neither of us broke eye contact. Why did I always have so much trouble finding the appropriate thing to say to him? Was it always this way with the one you love?

"Please, sit down," Auron said, voice devoid of all character.

I did as he bade me, taking a seat on his left side, so that he would not have to move his head too much to see me. I could not think of a proper opening, and I really had no desire to be here. "What is it you wanted?" I asked pointedly.

Auron remained calm, as always. "I'm asking the questions here," the swordsman said, but tempered the statement with a slight smile. I marveled at his ability to express amusement, given what he'd been through that day.

I only nodded in response.

"You're not happy to be here, I see." Gee, old man, is it really that obvious? Get to the point and have done with it, already!

Try as I might, I was utterly unable to imitate the older man's composure. "You brought me here for a reason, I assume?" the full force of my impatience was apparent in the question.

The last traces of Auron's smile faded. "Yes, I did. But I had hoped we could be at least...civil...to each other."

His observation filled me with guilt. He did deserve better than the way I was treating him. "I...I can manage that, Auron."

He nodded slightly. "Excellent. Now, I must know, what did you do to me while I was unconscious?"

I was taken aback. He must have detected at least some of what transpired after I fed him the sphere-lake water. "I came to your side, and gave you a healing potion," I looked down. "It didn't help too much."

Auron reflected for a moment. "No, that's not it. There was something else."

I shook my head. No way was I going to tell him. "I'm sorry, Auron. I...can't tell you."

A look of anger flashed across his features. No one refused to answer Auron's questions. Yuna was the only one who had ever gotten away with it, and only then because she had the advantage of being a summoner. There was no such escape for me. But, I stood my ground, a wry grin pulling at my lips. "What's the matter? Don't like it when someone pulls an Auron on you?"

Auron wasn't amused. "That's different," he hissed. "What I do, I do for a reason. You're just trying to be contrary," he nearly spit at me. There was no mercy in his voice, no hint of the man I'd fallen in love with. Auron transformed into a dangerous, almost predatory creature. He glared at me menacingly.

Instictively, I thrust my hands in front of me in a defensive gesture. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said it like that...it's just, I didn't want you to be angry with me," I said.

"I have to know to truth, Rikku. I feel...different since the battle and I'm not quite sure how. Yuna said you spent the most time with me after I fell, so surely you must know something about what occurred while I was unconscious." Auron's voice remained calm and steady...almost encouraging this time. I could appreciate that he wanted an explanation for what had happened, but I wasn't sure I could bring myself to give it.

I took a deep breath. Auron would end up getting the truth out of me, somehow. It was better to make this easier on both of us, especially since his energy was still limited. "Before we left that lake near the end of Macalania Forest, I filled my canteen with some of the water. Later, after you took that blow for Yuna, I tried every thing I knew, used my strongest potion on you, but nothing helped. I drank some of the water from my canteen and fed a small amount to you." I paused to catch my breath. "I...don't know what I was thinking when I did it, but if it hurt you, I'm sorry." I buried my head in my hands, willing myself not to cry. How could I have been so stupid? I could have done tremendous damage to him.

"Rikku, do you know what that water does?" Auron asked.

"I...when I used it on you, I really had no idea. I just wanted to help so badly! I couldn't bear to see you like that, " Tears began to make their way down my face.

Auron remained patient, although his face appeared strained. He was holding himself back from taking somekind of action. "Remember in the forest, when I told you that water is the substance that spheres are made of? That it captures and preserves people's thoughts?"

I nodded, beginning to see where he was headed.

Auron continued, "That same water ran through the stream where you saw me bathing. My exposure to it and your proximity to me is what allowed you to see my thoughts that night. Drinking it achieves the same effect, only much more strongly."

"I wouldn't have used it, if I had known..."

"Don't worry about that," Auron said reassuringly. Again the signs of internal struggle marred the handsome features. "I'm much more interested in what you saw." His left arm reached out from underneath the layers of blanket, forearm splinted, and offered me his hand. I took it in both of mine, tears spilling onto Auron's still-pale skin.

I realized that whatever Auron truly felt, he was keeping hidden. His words were calculated to get the information he sought.

"It's...hard to describe, Auron. I didn't even know it was you, at first. But I was assailed by a plague of emotions, most notably overwhelming pain and sorrow. I had...no idea that's what you felt...that you had to live with those kind of feelings..." I choked on my sobs and Auron squeezed my hand. "The way you always acted around everyone else...I never would have suspected...I..."

"You believed me immune to emotion?" Auron finished my statement smoothly. I nodded.

I smiled nervously. "You're a very good actor."

"It's not always that bad, you know. I...spiral out of control...under certain circumstances..." Auron looked truly horrified by the possibility. Loss of control was something he sought to avoid at all costs. "It's always there, though. It seems...somehow less since I've awoken...and that's what concerns me."

"It...began to close in on me, I was afraid of what I would do to myself if it overtook me. So, I...I...took some of it into myself before it could all take hold of me." I really hadn't wanted to tell him about that. At its mention, the pain I'd taken from him flared to life inside me, almost doubling me over. It would take me a long time to get used to its constant presence. How did Auron put up with this? Before my interference, it had been even worse for him...

Auron slowly took his hand from my grasp, and wrapped it around my wrist, pulling me gently toward where he lay. I followed, hesitant to accept his invitation. Was he reconsidering the decision he'd made in the forest? The feeling inside me grew to an almost unbearable level and my body began to shake. Tears streamed from my eyes as Auron wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me down to him. I took care not to put any pressure on his broken forearm as I set my head by his.

Auron must have known what was happening to me. He pulled the blankets over me and brought my body into contact with the full length of his own. Though it must have hurt him, he rolled onto his side and wrapped his right arm around me as well. We were face to face, and I could make out pity and amazement in the depth of his russet eye.

"Rikku..." he whispered. "I had hoped to spare you this..."

He pressed his lips briefly to my cheek, following the track of my tears. "Why couldn't you stay away..."

I spasmed as another wave of the pain shot through me. Auron's embrace tightened and he whispered reassuringly into my ear. One hand left its position around my torso to smooth my hair.

I didn't really have an answer to his question. "I'm sorry, Auron. I know I should have...but I'm not as good at controlling my feelings as you are."

Auron smiled faintly and kissed my forehead. "Don't ever become good at it, Rikku. It doesn't suit you. I...just can't believe you did this."

Tears came anew to my eyes and I couldn't stop myself from saying what came out of my mouth next. "It was going to destroy you...I couldn't live with myself if I let that happen to you...I wasn't lying in Macalania Forest when I told you that you needed a release."

Auron didn't respond. He hadn't expected me to know him so completely. He seemed almost to freeze, even his eye took on a distant, hazy look. What's wrong with you, Auron? Scant days ago you told me we could never allow this to happen, and yet...here we are...What of your words about guarding Yuna? Have her needs changed this much or are you still weak from your injuries? Don't tempt me, Auron...you know I can't...I won't resist. I'm sorry, my love, but you must be the strong one. Keep this from happening...you'll regret it if you don't...

He must have been thinking the same thing. No words were exchanged between us for a long time, and there were no more affectionate gestures from him. Auron still lay mere fractions of an inch away from me, his intentions completely opaque. What are you thinking, Auron? What do you feel for me in this moment of temptation? There's an easy way to find out, Rikku, I told myself. Try to leave, if he asks you to stay, do so, but if he doesn't...well, you have your answer.

"I...I should get going," I said weakly.

No answer was forthcoming from the guardian, and I tried to work my way out of his arms and bed as carefully as possible. The only acknowledgement of my actions was the gasp he emitted when my leg brushed against his tender ribs. When I was free of his tent, my legs carried me back to my own as fast as they could. I collapsed on my own bedroll, pulled the cover over my body, and cried myself to sleep.


	12. Truce

Chapter 12

I watched, helpless as Rikku left the tent. She always had a habit of leaving, or pointing the conversation in a new direction just as I prepared to say what I truly meant. Was she conscious of this behavior or did fate heap yet another cruel joke upon me? I wished fervently that I could pull myself out of this bed and follow her, but my broken limbs prevented it.

This wasn't going well, at all. Rikku must have thought I was stringing her along, with little regard for her feelings. Yevon knew...I...I wanted her...I wanted to be with her...and that frightened me beyond any single thing I'd experienced in the last decade. Her sheer force of will, the determination with which she approached ferreting out every detail about me...I shuddered. Her efforts always met with success. I never anticipated that the first person who would pose a threat to the decade-old order of my life would be spunky, diminutive, 16-year-old Al Bhed. Her passion for life was almost...infectious. She made alien sensations stir within me and the more time I spent around her, the more the urge grew to explore them.

That desire created a conflict. I had a duty, well, two duties to do, really. Without those promises I'd made to my friends in the last days of their lives, I'd be little more than a Farplane phantom right now. Never before had I questioned that the best way to honor their sacrifices was to carry out their wishes with every fiber of my being. They deserved it...but maybe...perhaps...No, don't be silly, old man. Your life ended ten years ago. You've no right to anything for yourself now. For a man dead ten years, I certainly bore a striking resemblence to a living being. A resentful smirk spread across my face. I'd be willing to bet that not a single one of my companions yet knew the full truth about me...although it was only a matter of time before Rikku dredged that bit of information from me. What would she have to drug me with next time, and just what else would she pick up while she rifled through my thoughts?

When had I become so bitter? During my life, I'd taken pride in my duty, wanted nothing more to serve Lord Braska in the best way I knew how. But...Zanarkand, Yunalesca...my...no, Braska's moment of triumph had been turned into a pale mockery of what it should have been. Braska, of course, ever understanding, ever compassionate, ever selfless Braska...you must have been the closest thing Spira's ever seen to a perfect man, my Lord. You hadn't seen it that way. Nothing more than a mere change of plan for you, you never gave up hope. But I...young and foolish...I forsook Yunalesca's brand of hope, believing in my own blind faith and optimism. In the end, even my optimism couldn't stand before the grief your and Jecht's deaths aroused in me. And I blamed Yunalesca, though I now know that the death wish was my own and she merely the tool of its execution. With that mistake in Zanarkand all those years ago, I forfeited my life, and with it, any right to happiness for myself.

I couldn't accept that. That line of reasoning had been enough when there was no temptation, no possibility of salvation. I could not desire what I did not believe possible. I did not dare. I was content to exist within the boundaries of my undeath. An unwritten contract bound me...fulfill the promises - earn release. It was an honorable and respectable deal, a kind of second chance for a man who mistakes never merited such. There was no room for variables like love or Rikku. Amend your deal then, old man, negotiate a better agreement. And just who do I approach about that? I couldn't help smiling.

Seriously, though, I had to do something. Rikku was inexorably tied to me now. Her little stunt with the water had claimed a piece of me, excised it from my being, and taken it into herself. She probably hadn't intended for that to happen, but intent was irrelevant at this stage. All that remained was dealing with the fallout. Rikku was bound to know by now that her actions, that transferring a portion of my venom to herself could not nullify it. She would suffer greatly. I'd tried to explain it to her, I tried to get her to understand, but she either couldn't or wouldn't. Yevon, I'd tried to protect her every way I knew how.

I suppose I could take her into my confidence, extend my own defenses around her and rely on her to exercise wisdom in how she chose to react to my actions...and my vulnerable personality. How then, could I do that, and keep my feelings for the Al Bhed under control? By definition, exposure that complete would show her everything, and I couldn't trust myself to keep clear of the relationship she so clearly and desperately wanted from me. I could shield and comfort her (as I'd done tonight), help her bear the burden she took from me, but would Rikku see be able to tell the difference between a shoulder to cry on and a lover? If I chose this route, I'd have no choice but to trust she did. Trust, exposure, closeness...things I'd never wanted to experience again...things I would have no choice but to experience if I was half the person I'd ever considered myself. Ultimately, her plight was my responsibility, and watching out for her took precedence over my own feelings and  
preferences, though it must of necessity defer to my exisiting duties. Such a precarious situation...

I resolved to test the waters next time I spoke to her...drop what hints I'd be able to and see if Rikku followed my logic. Please...let my run of bad luck in conversations with her end...

Sleep, old man, you've taxed yourself enough for one day.

Curse you, Auron, and your ambivalence! After what I did for you...how could you continue to refuse me? You...you've never lied to me before, you wouldn't now, would you?

I couldn't clear my mind of Auron. Sheer fatigue had been the only factor ensuring that I slept last night. Thankfully, I was spared any dreams. Somehow, I knew they would have been about him. They were always about him...and they were always the same. There were no barriers to our being with each other...Auron had no reservations. Happiness was within our reach, though I always seemed to wake suddenly when I got comfortable and romantic with Auron. A strange sort of symbolism I suppose...dreams weren't supposed to reflect the world that closely...although I would gladly trade the real Auron for the less inhibited one conjured by my unconscious mind.

I woke early the next day, long before dawn. Somewhere out beyond the perimter of the camp, I knew Kimarhi kept watch, but he wouldn't disturb me. I dressed, threw my blanket about my shoulders, and headed out into the morning cold. Leaving the warm enclosure of my tent was difficult, but I had no desire to remain there with my thoughts. Perhaps some fresh, if bone-chillingly cold, air would help me get my mind off the accursed scarlet swordsman. Maybe, I could just stop thinking altogether and take a bit of time to enjoy the scenery. After all, I wasn't likely to return to this place anytime soon.

The icy landscape took on the inky blackness of the predawn dark. A tamer version of our fire from the previous night still burned in the center of camp, casting flickering shadows across the ice within the ring of tents. The moisture of my breath froze almost before it departed my mouth and I exhaled quickly to warm my lips. Thankfully, there was no breeze to steal further heat from my body. The blanket I'd wrapped around my huddled form barely allowed me to maintain a decent body temperature.

I paid no attention to where my feet took me, endeavoring only to keep myself in motion. The chill would force me back indoors soon, but I couldn't bear to return to my tent alone. Yet...whose company could I seek out? Yunie would probably not object to my joining her, although my fellow guardians would chide me for waking her up. I wasn't on close enough to Wakka, Tidus or Lulu to justify bothering them at this hour. Kimahri, though already awake, wouldn't offer much in the way of companionship. What I really needed was someone to talk to...ideally, Auron. Conversations with him had a way of souring rather quickly, though - and I was no masochist. I doubted the wounded man would much relish being woken by me anyway.

As if to mock me, my feet had deposited me squarely in front of the swordsman's tent. I could still turn back, I thought. I started to turn on my heel, when a hushed voice issued from the entrance of the tent.

"You could at least say, 'good morning' " Damn it, Auron! Don't you ever sleep?

I cautiously entered the tent. "I wasn't going to disturb you this early. I was just...restless."

"It's just as well...there are some things we need to discuss." Despite having rested, Auron still seemed tired.

I shook my head. "Everytime we talk, Auron, it ends badly." I reached into my belt pouch and withdrew his sunglasses. "In any case, I forgot to give these back to you last night." I unfolded them and he allowed me to replace them on his face.

To my surprise, he removed them again as soon as I withdrew my hand. Auron smiled slightly. "I won't be needing those until later." It was a good sign, that he at least trusted me enough to feel he no longer needed to hide his face in my presence.

I returned his smile and sat down beside him, just beyond his reach. If he wanted to talk, I reluctantly admitted, it would be best to do so with limited physical contact. I could maintain better control over myself that way, and perhaps we could both say the things we felt needed to be said. I wasn't sure about him, but I didn't know how well I'd weather another encounter like last night's.

For the longest time, neither of us said anything, though we maintained eye contact. Auron's eye betrayed no hint of the conflict that had been so apparent in his gaze, and on his face last night. He seemed more at peace, as though he'd finally found the solution to an important problem...probably one invoving me. Still, if his look wasn't pained, perhaps what he had to say wouldn't be all bad. I'd long ago given up on receiving any overwhelmingly positive news from Auron. Everything about him radiated calm and strength...and unwavering neutrality...almost as if he were afraid to give himself over to either extreme of emotion in front of another person.

I decided to break the silence with a bit of encouragement. "You look confident today..." I'm dying to know why...

Auron took the bait. "I've been doing some thinking about everything that happened yesterday."

Apparently you aren't too eager to communicate the results, though...Must I coax everything from you, Auron? "And...?"

His smile disappeared. "We need to find a way we can relate to each other. I know you've been avoiding me, and that's not the answer...especially after...what you did yesterday." He paused, frowning. Something must have come out wrong. "I don't mean that it's your fault...you had no way of knowing what you were doing..."

I finished his statement for him. "Although that doesn't take away the consequences? How seriously does it change things, Auron?" I hoped he didn't think I was playing stupid.

Auron looked thoughtful. "To be honest, it brought you a lot closer to me than I'm comfortable with. There's no easy way to undo it. That's why it's necessary for us to come to a...compromise." Auron's face became drawn and almost regretful. Clearly whatever compromise he was preparing to offer was still going to cost him something he was loathe to give up.

Auron continued, "You know things about me that I never wanted anyone else to know. " I suddenly felt ashamed at my relentless pursuit of his secrets. "It's not easy for me to adjust to that, you know."

I nodded, desperately searching for words to put to the feelings of regret that coursed through me. I failed, taking an easier way out. "Why are you telling me this?" I asked quietly.

He didn't answer immediately, taking a deep breath instead. "I suppose it was mostly for my own benefit. I've gone a long time without having to explain myself to anyone else. Unfortunately, I don't have that luxury anymore."

I couldn't help but feel directly and solely responsible for his situation. If not for my interference, Auron could have gone on with his mission without having to give away much about himself. Could nothing positive come of my involvement with him?

"I'm sorry, Auron...I'd take back my actions if I could." I was on the verge of tears, but fought them back. Now wasn't the time.

Auron shook his head slowly and his mouth assumed a knowing smile. "You don't know how many times I've told myself that..."

I realized with some relief that he wasn't talking about me. That distant look in his eye heralded back to a much older event. I didn't like the way this was going. Neither of us wanted to say the difficult things, but we'd danced around the topic long enough. "Auron, this compromise...? What must I do?"

Auron took on a tone of authority, and I honestly couldn't blame him. It had been his thoughts I invaded, his world changed by my actions. "You must promise never to tell anyone what you know of me. It...it's hard enough dealing with the fact that you've found out so much so fast...and I need to find a way to keep this under control."

I nodded vigorously. "Of course, Auron. I never intended to give away any of your secrets."

His relief was visible on his face. "Thank you," he said sincerely. "What you did yesterday binds us together pretty tightly. Without knowing it you actually took a piece of me into your possession." Auron wasn't thrilled about the idea.

"I don't suppose there's a way to undo it?" I asked, though deep in the back of my mind, I already knew the answer.

"No there's not," he said, irritation apparent in his voice. "We'll just have to live with the consequences." Auron's words were suddenly as cold as the air outside the tent.

I'm not sure what drove me to voice what I said next, and I immediately regretted it. "Maybe now, you'll change your mind about us being...together?"

"No. You have to understand that will never happen, Rikku." There was no room for compromise in that regard. "I thought we had established that."

I was crushed. I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. I got to my feet and walked to the entrance of the tent, pulling open the flap slightly. Faint light began to filter in from the outside.

"Rikku! Don't go, I'm not finished yet." It was a command, not a request.

"Well, I am." I took another step. Thank goodness Auron wasn't able to get out of bed without help.

"Please hear me out." His tone was steady, but less commanding.

I glanced back at him, "Give me one good reason why I should."

"The longer we're at odds with each other, the more Yuna's pilgrimage suffers. Even if you don't want to make peace with me for your sake or mine, do it for hers." Count on Auron to invoke Yuna and the pilgrimage when things got difficult. He was correct, though, much as I hated to admit it. "Our duties as guardians always take precedence."

I closed the tent flap and took my seat again. "Fine, I'll do it for Yuna."

Auron nodded as if there had never been a doubt in his mind. How is it you can always manage to get your way, old man? "It is absolutely essential that you find a way to keep your feelings for me under control. I'm not asking you to become me, but you must learn not to let your emotions take over. I'm not abandoning you, Rikku, but you must learn to respect the boundaries. There is no other way."

"You're asking too much of me."

"Then you cannot do your duty as a guardian. I will ask Yuna to dismiss you from her service when I see her next." Auron betrayed no hint of emotion.

I gasped. No way! You wouldn't dare...would you, you heartless bastard?

"Don't think I won't do it," he continued smoothly. "Yuna's interests always come first."

He had me trapped. How could I not have seen this coming? Had I really been naive enough to think I could have changed something so fundamental about Auron as his obsession with duty? Hurtful though his words were, he was absolutely correct about me. Even now, he was simply telling me the truth of what I had to do, and I couldn't keep myself from breaking down in front of him. I couldn't hold back my tears. I was...immature and selfish. Yuna needed to be first and foremost in my mind...and she hadn't been in a long time. I had allowed Auron to usurp her rightful place. I was a failure as a guardian.

Auron must have known what went through my head. He tempered his voice somewhat. "Are you willing to try keeping yourself under control, and your mind on your duty, then?"

"I...I will give it my best effort," I finally managed to say, choking back my sobs.

As soon as I gave my word, all the harshness left his face and voice. Yuna was indeed fortunate to have this man as the leader of her guardians, I thought. He would let nothing interfere with her pilgrimage. Not even his own humanity.

"I'm glad to hear that," he said. "The group wouldn't have been the same without you." He really seemed to mean it. "I...didn't want to do that, you know. I don't like hurting you. But..."

"No, I understand, you were correct. Yuna must be our primary concern." The words still sounded odd coming from me. Maybe Auron wasn't so inhuman after all...just possessed of incredible strength of will.

"It gets easier as time goes by...and you aren't alone, by any means. If you ever need anything from me, Rikku, anything, don't be afraid to seek me out. I'll always be there for you," Auron's offer shocked me. This was the last thing I'd expected from him. For all he insisted I knew about him, the man certainly had little trouble surprising me on a regular basis.

Auron smiled warmly. "I don't make that offer to just anyone, Rikku. You mean a lot to me. You've given me something I didn't want to admit I needed." He pulled himself to a sitting position with some effort, and a good deal of pain. He motioned for me to come nearer.

Auron's words dissolved most of the tension between us, though I couldn't help but feel a little bit sad over the fact that I'd never be able to have from him what I wanted most. Still, he'd been forced to adjust to a very uncomfortable situation, his worst fear had come true. If he could learn to live with that, maybe I could find it within myself to accept that I couldn't have everything I wanted, either.

I crawled over to Auron's position and felt his splinted arms enfold me gingerly. He placed his head on my shoulder and closed his eye. Though lacking in romance, I was glad to share the embrace as his close friend and confidante. It had been a long time since he'd had either.

Sometime later, he whispered in my ear, "Don't let the others know I've gotten this soft in my old age. I have a reputation, you know."


	13. To Face the End

Chapter 13 

Although Auron didn't often outwardly indulge in emotion, he always seemed to have a way of evoking the very extremes of it in others. Most notably, his quiet encouragement fed Yuna's growing sense of determination. And his effect on me was much more profound. It was such a pity we'd never find out exactly how much potential was there. I needed to stop thinking like that. Auron could be my best friend, comrade in arms, and perhaps my role model, but nothing more. Despite the defeat my acceptance of this fact represented, I did feel a strange sense of peace. Only in defeat had I been able to achieve the progress that eluded me of late...I could finally relate to Auron like a normal person.

Auron released me from his embrace...reluctantly, perhaps...as we heard footsteps outside the tent. A low, displeased grunt escaped him as he lay back down among his blankets. His face assumed its customary mask of dispassion, all traces of warmth leaving his expression. Inwardly, I felt pleased that there was at least something Auron and I could share privately, even if it wasn't love. Somewhere in the deep, dark recesses of my mind, a faint hope began to crystallize...what about after we defeated Sin? Once Auron's duties were complete, there would be nothing to keep us from each other. Truthfully, it was that possibility that drove me to give in and accept Auron's terms...it would only have to be like this for a little while.

Quickly, I gathered up Auron's collar and glasses and set about putting the finishing touches on his public persona. I finished placing the glasses on his face just as Yuna poked her head into the tent. Fortunately, the collar and my body position hid the sheepish grin that spread quickly across Auron's face, and disappeared in the next instant. I sat back and looked at my cousin's horrified visage.

"Oh! Sir Auron, I hope I'm not interrupting anything," she offered apologetically,

Auron's experience allowed him to mask his amusment, although I had less success. "No, you're not interrupting anything. Rikku just came by to give me a potion and to fetch me some breakfast."

Yuna didn't quite look convinced. She glanced briefly at me to convey her confusion. Her expression seemed to say 'isn't this the man you would have done anything to avoid yesterday?'

Auron must have caught on as well. His skill at reading people, especially his summoner and fellow guardians, was unparalleled. Once again he saved me further embarassment. "She was telling me how exhausted you were yesterday after treating me and wanted to see if there was anything she could do."

The summoner seemed to believe him this time and explained the purpose of her visit. "Everyone else is outside around the fire. We're trying to plan what to do next. Are you feeling well enough to join us, Sir Auron?"

The swordsman nodded. "I will require some assistance."

"Tidus and Wakka have agreed to help you," Yuna offered.

"Very well then, I'll join you shortly."

Yuna bowed and made the Yevon prayer symbol in Auron's direction. After she turned her back and left, I could have sworn I saw Auron roll his eye. Not a big fan of Yevon, eh? Well, that's another thing we have in common, Auron.

As soon as the summoner was clear of the tent, the promised aid arrived and helped Auron to his feet as gently as possible. Tidus and Wakka bore most of the scarlet guardian's substantial weight. Somehow, having to rely on others seemed to diminish his aura of authority. I got to my feet and scampered in front of them to hold the tent flap open while they helped him exit the dwelling.

The three covered the distance to the fire in short, carefully measured steps. Every other pace, one of the younger guardians looked up and inquired after Auron's status. He met their questions with a scowl. Auron despised being treated like an invalid. After the third episode, I went back to the tent to fetch some of the older guardian's bedding. He wouldn't be able to sit on the frozen ground very comfortably.

Wakka and Tidus held the guardian up while I arranged some of the blankets and pillows beneath Auron. They set him down as gently as they could manage, but the swordsman began to tip backwards as they withdrew their support. Tidus looked over at Yuna, helplessly.

"We can't hold him up like this the entire time, " explained the blond.

Yuna nodded. "Someone needs to sit behind him to help hold him steady."

Both blitzballers shook their heads violently, not liking the implications. "No way," they said in unison. Yuna glanced over at Kimahri, the only other member of the party sturdy enough to bear a significant portion of the guardian's weight.

Kimarhi shook his head slowly, his folded braids hitting against the blue face. "Kimahri friend of Auron, but not like that."

Yuna's countenance grew more desperate. "Guys...please?"

I got up from my spot by the fire and walked over to where Tidus and Wakka still supported Auron. "I'll do it."

"Thank you, Rikku, " Yuna's relief couldn't be more apparent in her voice.

I hunched down behind Auron, placing my legs on each side of his form and wrapping my arms around his robed torso. Even beneath two layers of clothing, I could feel the definition of his chisled chest. The muscles tensed slightly as Auron's weight was transferred from Tidus and Wakka to myself. Even though I held the guardian as tightly as I was able, he began to tilt backward again. In response I repositioned myself a bit, and rested more of his body against mine. The back of Auron's head came to rest squarely on my chest. I devoted all of my remaining energy to preventing myself from blushing at the contact.

Auron's expression remained neutral, although I felt his breath catch as I settled him into position. I could appreicate why none of the men wanted to volunteer for this. We didn't look exactly...platonic...in the way we were seated, but our appearance was far from the minds of my companions. The pilgirmage must go on.

Yuna opened the meeting. "We've sat around here long enough, we need to make a decision...where do we go next?"

Auron wasted no time in answering. "Our immediate concern is the pilgrimage." He glanced over at Yuna, "Are you willing to go on?"

She had no reservations. "Yes. But then, do you think Yevon will allow it?"

Auron's voice hardened at the mention of Yevon and a touch of indignation crept into his words. "The Fayth are the ones that give power to the summoners. Not the temples or the teachings, " he nearly spat the last. "If the temples try to stop us...Then we will defy Yevon if we must." Auron's tone brooked no argument, yet would the others allow the challenge to their beliefs to go unanswered?

Tidus was the first to regain his wits after Auron's unexpected condemnation of Spira's dominant religion. "Whoa!"

My surprise got the better of me and if possible, I held onto him more tightly. "I can't believe you said that!"

Even the normally silent and passive Lulu raised her eyebrows in shock. "Sir Auron!" Various party members regarded him, sloughing their respect for the "legendary guardian," and beginning to suspect him for the disenchanted heretic he really was.

Wakka was on his feet, rapidly advancing toward the vulnerable Auron. "Count me out! We have to atone, to make up for the sins we have committed." His gaze swept the party members, stoppping to focus on Yuna while he rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Of course...It's not like I ever liked Maester Seymour, ya? No way I'll ever forgive him for killing Lord Jyscal!" He made a broad, sweeping gesture with his other hand.

"...and for trying to do us all in too, you know?" Wakka turned to face Auron again. "But still, the bunch of us going against Yevon? No way!"

Lulu picked up where Wakka left off. "But still, we have transgressed and must face our punishment."

Auron looked as though he'd have no part of it. He'd paid his dues, long ago. Before he could object to Lulu's proposal, Yuna cut in.

"We must go to Bevelle. We must speak with Maester Mika and explain what has happened. There is no other way, I think." She truly believed it...every word.

Wakka strongly seconded her idea. "I agree."

Yuna rotated to face us. "Sir Auron..."

He'd expended all of his anger. "So it is decided," he said, resigned.

Yuna pressed the issue. "Will you come with us?"

Auron let out a short sigh. "I am the troublemaker, after all."

Tidus jumped on the older man's admission. "Yeah, that's right! You can always count on Auron to complicate things, " said Tidus with entirely too much enthusiasm. Why had the discussion degeneration into an Auron-bashing session? Someone needed to take up for the guardian if he refused to defend himself. Fervently I searched for something to say, in case anyone else decided to hop on the bandwagon. But my mind failed me.

Auron's response to Tidus seemed to freeze what little moisture remained in the air, "I never asked you to follow me."

Tidus made a vain attempt at a save. Perhaps guilt made him realize how unduly harsh he'd been to his mentor. "But hey, that's what friends are for. Right?"

No one had the chance to answer. An eerie sound rose in the distance, someone was singing. I recognized the Hymn of the Fayth. The haunting voice swept over our encampment, drawing us into the song. Most of the group were content to listen in silence at first, but nervous chatter began to drown out the sound of the fayth.

A low rumbling shook the ground, growing in power as a large creature approached the temple. Heavy footfalls announced the creature's arrival within dangerous proximity to the camp. Everyone got to their feet, and I clucthed Auron closer to me, wimpering audibly.

Auron's hands found mine and enclosed them. "It's going to be alright," he said reassuringly. He leaned his head back to emphasize his words with a warm smile. But, it didn't look like things would be alright. The tremors continued to grow until we could see the creature looming over us, blocking out the vast majority of the daylight.

"Sin!" Yuna shouted in disbelief. What the hell was Sin doing here?

Various other party members shouted warnings that were lost in the din of the creature's roar and continued movement. Only Tidus stood, wordless, staring at Sin. He looked as though he wanted to shout a challenge at the towering monster. Instead, he addressed it calmly, his voice betraying a hint of familiarity. Where would Tidus know Sin from?

Tidus' words to the monster didn't end the hell evolving in front of us. The creature had brought on a quake that threatened to rip the ground asunder and swallow us all. The earth heaved and rolled all around us, tossing up pieces of the icy soil.

Sin must have inhaled, as the debris loosened by the quake began to ascend violently into the air. Swirling gusts of wind sucked up everything that wasn't still firmly attached to the earth. I felt the wind tug at my hair and clothing as it increased in strength. Fragments of our tents and equipment orbited our heads dangerously. A voice somewhere nearby shouted for everyone to get down.

Auron shifted his weight suddenly, escaping from my grasp. Impossibly, he was on his feet and pivoted on broken legs to face me, his features a twisted mask of pain. His strong hands seized my shoulders and pushed me the rest of the way to the ground. The swordsman settled on top of me, the sensation of his weight lending some life to my flagging hopes of surviving the attack. He maneuvered his body to cover mine completely and his hands and arms reached up to shield my head and face from flying objects.

Trembling, I reached my arms inside his robe and secured them around his heavily muscled, heaving chest and back. My sweating plams slipped against the formed leather of his shirt, my desperation growing with every second. The wind was unrelenting in its intensity and

whipped at Auron's robe and hair mercilessly. Strands of the black and silver flew in every direction giving the guardian on top of me a wild, untamed look. He tucked his head into his high collar, bracing himself for the next gust.

When it came, it was more powerful than any of the previous ones, by far. The force of the wind nearly tore Auron from his position and every muscle in his body clenched as he fought against the unearthly squall. Little by little, he was losing the battle. I entwined my legs around his, not wanting to be propelled into the air alone. The wind finally overcame what resistance we were able to offer through our fatigue, and we were carried away into the air as one.

This might well be the end, I thought. I withdrew my arms from Auron's billowing robe and secured my hands around his head. Auron looked up at me wordlessly. I'd have given anything to know what he was thinking about at that moment. He didn't appear panicked in the least, and I attempted to lose myself in his calm. Thoughts raced through my mind and denied me the peace he must be experiencing. At least I would have the honor of spending the last moments of my existence with a man I greatly admired. Try as I might, I could not shake the fear of my impending death as it held my innards in its icy grip. I resolved not to let my life end without finishing one bit of business.

I swallowed hard, and looked into my would-be savior's eye. "Auron...I love you."

The man had no chance to respond as I pulled his head forcefully into contact with mine. I pressed my wind whipped and chapped lips against his and began to kiss him passionately. The stubble of his chin threatened to rub my face raw, but I didn't care. This could very well be the last action I ever took. Time was running out. I felt my tongue press past his lips and gain entry to his mouth. I don't recall if Auron returned the gesture or not, but it didn't matter to me. My tongue hungrily sought contact with his and was rewarded. All the desperation of my plight and desire to cling to life was expressed in that kiss. I continued to deepen the it until I felt darkness overtake me.


	14. Plumbing the Void

Chapter 14 

I was aware of the soft, warm ground beneath my battered body long before I opened my eyes. It seemed to give way when I shifted my weight tenatively. The ambient air was as hot as the Macalania atmosphere had been cold. I opened my eyes slowly, my vision taking its time coming into focus. I lay on my back in the warm sand of what could only be the Sanubia Desert. And then it hit me...I was alive, and I was near Home!

I struggled to sit upright as a dull ache became apparent at the back of my skull. My arms and legs had their share of cuts and bruises, but for the most part, I had been extremely lucky to still be in one piece. Truthfully, I was shocked to have regained consciousness at all. Those last few moments in my memory, of being sucked mercilessly toward the gaping mouth of the gigantic Sin, had me convinced they would be my last. But if I was alive...there was a good chance Auron was, as well. I was simultaneously filled with both joy and dread. No part of me wanted Auron to die, but at the same time, facing Auron again would mean explaining my actions at Macalania. We were just beginning to settle into a more stable, normal friendship with each other, and in my fear and desperation, I had broken the rules. Would Auron forgive me? Surely, he must understand that people on the verge of death fall prey to all sorts of irrational thoughts! Or maybe he really was stoic enough to face  
his own end possessed of the same calm with which he always addressed the world.

Would he expect the same of me? He'd always had high standards for the behavior of other guardians...not so high as those to which he held himself...but still, Auron was far from easy to please. I didn't regret kissing him, not in the least. The sheer hopelessness of the situation had afforded me the opportunity to do something I dare not do at any other time or place. But now that the moment had passed, I wondered in grim anticipation how Auron would react when next we met. Quit worrying about it, Rikku, it's out of your hands, I told myself. I was unable to take my own advice.

I decided to test my legs, and stood up. So far, so good. I took a couple steps with little trouble and continued walking in the same direction. After I was completely sure that mobility wouldn't be a problem, I paused to get my bearings. Sure, endless, blowing masses of sand might look indistinguishable to the untrained eye, but we Al Bhed were intimately familiar with the area around our Home. To the south, just beyond the large dune that obscured my vision, there was an oasis that I hoped at least some of the others had found. If they hadn't encountered the oasis, there was always the waystation the Al Bhed maintained for travelers a bit to the northwest. I had little doubt that at least some of the surviving members of the group would be able to find each other and set a meeting place. Which location would they choose, or even find? The group would likely need the supplies at the waystation, so I started out in the proper direction.

I was heartened to find the waystation occupied by some familiar figures upon my arrival. Wakka kicked the burned out husk of an old machina with the same disdain he'd always held for the devices. I shrugged. At least his attitude toward the people who used the machina had changed somewhat. Kimahri and Tidus were taking stock of the supplies in the chest outside the low, sturdy tent. I smiled as I took in Auron's scarlet-coated form keeping a kind of informal lookout for fiends. The others must have already found something to finish healing his broken bones, as he was supporting his own weight and no longer wore the splints. It was a wonder he still wore the outer garment in the sweltering heat of Bikanel Island. He must be baking alive in there. Lulu got up from where she sat and went over to join the two in surveying the supplies. With my arrival, everyone would be there, save Yuna. Where could she be?

I walked up to the group, waving. "Hey, guys. Glad to see you all made it. But where's Yunie?"

Tidus stood up, looked at me and scratched his head. "Gone, " he said simply.

Lulu echoed his words, looking down at her feet. "Gone...Some guardian I am."

I weighed my options...do I tell them or not? I elected to, because in the end, Yuna's saftey might depend on their knowing the truth, and there wasn't much way to keep it concealed from them, anyway.

"Umm...There's something I want to tell you, but you have to promise not to say anything." Wakka shot me a glance laced with annoyance and veiled intolerance. I couldn't bring myself to ignore it. "No glaring either!" I said in response.

Continuing, I explained, "I know where we are. This is Bikanel Island. There's a place us Al Bhed call home near here." I was unable to completely mask my pride. Home really was the magnum opus of the Al Bhed machina craft. "Yunie's there, I'm sure of it. Other Al Bhed must have come and rescued her."

Wakka's outburst was almost compulsory. "Rescued! You mean, kidnapped!"

Tidus laid a hand on Wakka's shoulder. "What does it matter as long as she's safe?"

Thankful for his intercession, I continued, "That's right. Anyway, I will take you there if you promise...That you won't tell anyone about it. Especially not Yevonites, ok?" I didn't need to look behind me to know it was Auron that chuckled. "You know they don't like us Al Bhed. Who knows what they'll do if they knew?"

"Gimme a break, what are you accusing Yevon of this time?" Wakka demanded.

"Yevon's done some bad things to us in the past," I pointed out.

As usual, Wakka's mouth reacted faster than his mind. "Well, you Al Bhed must've deserved it!" And, here I thought we had made some real progress after Macalania, Wakka...Perhaps there are just some ideas people will cling to until the bitter end, even in the face of reason.

The sound of heavy boots in the sand behind me announced that Auron was on the move. His long, purposeful strides brought him toward Wakka, stopping only when the two were literally toe to toe. Auron fixed the red haired blitzballer with a frigid stare. "You don't have to worry, Rikku. Wakka wouldn't think of saying anything that would endanger your people's Home. Come, lead the way..." Auron indicated the vast expanse of sand with his black gloved hand.

I silently thanked the swordsman for his unwavering support and wasted no time following his suggestion. As horrible as it was to have Yuna missing, her situation ensured that there was a more pressing matter for Auron to consider than reprimanding me for kissing him. I closed my eyes briefly and savored the memory of that kiss. I could have led the party Home blindfolded, so well did I know the way. I was careful not to appear to overtly distant, however, as we could still come under attack by fiends and stray machina.

The trip passed uneventfully, and we soon found ourselves cresting the last dune before the small valley in which the city was situated. I knew immediately something was terribly wrong. Thick, greasy plumes of smoke rose lazily from the ring of buildings that formed the core of our Home. Muffled screams could be heard in the distance as both combatants and innocents fell in battle. At once, fear and rage, and the burning desire for revenge flooded my gut. The pointed sting of loss lingered in the background, hovering, observing in silence. It was there, but its time of dominance would have to wait until the immediate situation resolved itself.

An incoherent scream issued from my mouth as I charged toward the city. The others followed, Auron merely a half step behind me. Were I not nearly blinded by the torrent of emotion that I constantly fought for control, I might have been amazed at the speed with which the guardian moved. When we cleared the city limits, I searched frantically for survivors among the fallen, hoping that my father would not be among the dead. I near the entrance to the main compound, I saw a face I recognized.

"Keyakku!" I bolted to his side and landed hard on the pavement. "Who? Who's attacking us?"

His replied but weakly, spending the last of his strength to answer my words. "Yevon...Guado..." I might have known! Keyakku's grip on my hand slackened as he died. Passing my free hand over his face, I closed his eyes and mouthed a silent goodbye. Auron had never been more than a pace away from me and reached down to offer me his hand. Weak-kneed, I gratefully accepted the help, and used his steady grip to regain my balance. After I felt ready to continue, I released Auron's hand, although his fingertips lingered in my palm a fraction of a second longer than necessary.

Lulu voiced the question I couldn't find the breath to ask. "A war? Between Yevon and the Al Bhed?"

Before any of us could answer, my father's voice provided a more accurate assessment of the events we were witnessing. "Dryd ec fnuhk! Guado ku vun dra Summoner!" I translated for my friends. ("Wrong! Guado go for the Summoner!")

"Father..." I was relieved to see him alive.

Father's gaze surveyed the group. "You Rikku's friends? Well don't just stand there, come on! Let's kick those Guado out of our Home."

We followed as he entered the main compound. Inside the maze of corridors was heavily guarded by the Guado forces. We were scarcely able to take a dozen steps without encountering the enemy. Each time we fought, I insisted on taking part in the battle, taking a kind of savage satisfaction every time my claw impacted against the form of a Guado soldier, often resulting in a rewarding crunch.

Throughout our desperate foray into the compound, Auron remained right by my side. He used both blade and body to shield me from attack and from the consequences of my own emotion-induced recklessness. If he didn't approve of my state of mind, he didn't allow it to show. In Yuna's absence, Auron fully devoted his attention and efforts in battle to my defense. For once, I was glad of his ability to read and anticipate the needs of his fellow guardians. If only he could find a way to lend me his strength of will and ever-prevalent coolness.

We stopped long enough for me to direct the group toward the Summoner's Sanctum, where we were most likely to find Yuna, if indeed she were still alive and in the building. My father encouraged us to make it underground as quickly as possible, annoucing his plans to level our city. Overcoming all resistance, we burst into the Summoner's Sanctum and searched frantically for Yuna. Other Summoners were present, and relieved to see us amid the flames and destruction surrounding them, but there was no sign of my cousin. Those accursed Guado must have made off with her!

Tidus, distraught over the fate of his beloved, was railing at anyone who would listen...about Al Bhed not trusting guardians to do their jobs, about our audacity in taking action to stop the pilgrimages. He just didn't get it! Something snapped inside of me and I shouted right back at him, not bothering to veil the truth, not caring what my fellow guardians might think of my involvement in the Al Bhed objective.

"The pilgrimages have to stop! If they don't, and they get to Zanarkand...They might defeat Sin. Yunie could...but then she...Yunie would die, you know?" I choked out the last part. I'd failed to keep her safe from her fate. My stubborn cousin would continue to march to her death, unconcerned for her own life. "Summoners journey to get the Final Aeon. Yuna told you, didn't she? With the Final Aeon, she can defeat sin...but then...If she calls it, the Final Aeon will kill her! Even if she defeats Sin, it will kill Yunie too, you know?" I collapsed.

Tidus began shouting again, taking me by the shoulders and shaking me. I didn't care. I only wished for a way out of here. Tidus had been kept in the dark, he was entitled to his grief. It was never an easy thing to be told the one you love most in the world was going to purposely forfeit her life for people she'd never met. Everyone would feel better...everyone except those close friends she left behind. I found the energy to keep pursuing the point I'd begun to make. Naturally, the Summoners defended their decisions to take up the pilgrimage. The conversation wound down, and Tidus vowed to find a way to spare Yuna from her fate.

We ran up the staircase leading out of the Sanctum, and onto the boarding platform for the airship. It was a desperate action, but perhaps our only route of escape. The great machina shuddered, and began to rise from the sand. It broke the surface and continued ascending into the sky. The party filed onto the bridge and watched Home recede rapidly into the distance. Father announced the final sequence of a countdown and gave Brother the order to fire off our missiles.

I watched in horror as the countless explosive-filled vehicles poured from their ports and streaked toward our burning Home. With a tremendous thud they impacted and exploded, reducing the city to little more than smoldering hunks of twisted metal. I couldn't bear to watch the scene as we sped away from the only home I'd ever known. In that moment, I lost all concern for Yuna, the pilgrimage, and the others. I became immersed in my grief and ran blindly from the bridge, seeking an unoccupied bedroom. Luckily, the first one I tried was empty, and I collapsed on the bed, not bothering to pull the covers over myself, and let my tears stream uncontrolled into the pillow.

The scene of Home's destruction played over and over again in my mind's eye, and my body convulsed every time I saw it explode. Would the Al Bhed ever recover? It had taken my father a lifetime to gather them back together after the last time they scattered...but surely it could be done again. It had to be. We couldn't let Yevon win! The acute pain I felt from the conquest and destruction of my city was augmented and mirrored by another profound sense of loss. Someone else's loss. Someone else's sorrow. From a long time ago. Auron's. Not a city, but his closest friends, the only security and source of happiness he'd ever known. The relationships and company his heart had cherished most. Something he would never recapture...and that's what Home was for me. The pieces of him that I possessed inside my being reacted to my own feelings, pouring their similar experiences into me, multiplying my suffering. I could only blame myself.

The door to the room opened behind me to admit someone. I wanted to shout to the person to go away, to leave me alone with my grief. I didn't. Without looking, I knew who it was. The owner of the purloined feelings. Auron.

The guardian's footsteps were soundless for once, although the sound of rustling cloth and creaking leather defined his approach. I didn't look at him. He reached the bedside, setting several things on the ground, and then gently laid his scarlet robe over my body. The mattress shifted as he sat down on the edge of the bed, coming into my field of vision for the first time. Auron's entire upper body was bare, he'd removed his shirt, collar, and glasses, his well-defined chest and abdomen rising and falling with the steady rhythm of his breaths. At least one of us was able to maintain our composure.

Auron's hands threaded into my hair and his voice was a gentle whisper. "I know what you're going through..." Almost as though he sought permission to go any further. I was painfully aware of the source of his reference.

I turned on my side to face him completely, looking up at him through tear-blurred vision. "Auron...was it this bad...after Braska and Jecht...?" His posture stiffened a bit at the mention of the two names, but he caught himself quickly and relaxed.

"I...well, I think you know the answer to that." Auron pulled back the comforter from the bed, struggling slightly to free it from beneath me. He slid into the bed and pulled the thick quilt up over both of us, leaving only our faces exposed. After finding a comfortable position, he slipped his arms underneath the robe and grasped me by the shoulders. His strong hands rotated me so that my back faced him and began to massage the tension from the bunched muscles of my upper back and neck.

My tears stopped momentarily as I focused on the comfort and release his attentions provided. "I'm so glad you're here...There wasn't anyone to do this for you, was there? You're so strong, Auron, I don't know what I would have done...alone." Auron's hands stopped dead in their tracks. He removed his hands from his shoulders and wrapped them about my waist, pulling me to him with more force than was necessary.

He settled his chin on my shoulder, inadvertently smearing a tear on my now dry cheek. I was grateful that I wasn't able to see his face. "I'm not nearly so strong as you think. I am...ashamed at how I reacted. My actions didn't do them justice. I was...unworthy of them."

His arms were trembling and tears flowed more freely down his cheek. I wanted to turn and face him, but I was afraid to. "Auron...that's not you...I know you, you could never be unworthy of anyone. What could you have possibly done to think that?" For his sake, I tried to pour as much confidence into my voice as I could muster through my own grief.

"Rikku...look at me..."

There was no avoiding it now. His embrace loosened a bit and I obliged him. Auron's arms tensed around my back, almost clutching me as if he sought to use me as an anchor against his memories. The look in his eye was not that of an old, wise, seasoned guardian, but that of a man ten years younger...the man who had just seen Braska and Jecht sacrifice themselves, needlessly, he believed. His face looked as mine must have, the moment I realized that my Home was truly gone.

"I didn't know what to do with myself. My will to live evaporated and scattered with the pyreflies of their spirits." Auron's tears suddenly stopped, and anger displaced regret as the prevalent emotion in his features. "Like a fool, I went back to Zanarkand and confronted Yunalesca. I blamed her for the fallacies in my logic and the fates of my friends. It was the last time I allowed my emotions to rule me. I attacked her in my rage...and the blow she dealt me...eventually killed me." His hands clenched into fists behind me.

I stared at him, dumbfounded, my plight all but forgotten. "Auron, you're...unsent?"

"Yes." He nodded, face devoid of emotion once more. "Rikku, promise me...that you won't make the same mistake. No matter what happens, no matter how empty you feel, don't give in. Life is...too precious to waste. I found that out too late." Once again, he was the strong one. Suddenly, I understood his purpose in all this. Auron wasn't trying to lecture me, he wasn't the self-absorbed, self pitying wreck I'd taken him for (at least one of us wasn't)...he had recalled his own sorrow, his own pain and moment of greatest weakness, he'd given away another of his precious secrets...to draw me out of my own sorrow. And it had worked, brilliantly. Was there no limit to what this man would do in order to protect others?

I smiled. "You needn't worry, Auron. It will never happen to me." Expressed differently, it might have sounded arrogant, but my voice was filled with nothing but admiration and gratitude. "I have you..."

To my surprise, Auron bent closer and began to kiss me. His mouth traced a path from the top of my shirt, up my neck and chin, finally ending at my lips. His stubble scratched me but lightly, emphasizing the care he took in his motions. Auron kissed my lips briefly, and his tongue playfully pried my mouth open, entering gingerly at first. I closed my eyes, savoring the sensations that the contact aroused in my body. My nerves flared to life, giving me the impression that I was no longer laying in bed, but floating among the clouds. I felt his tongue entwine around mine, teasing it, daring me to catch him. I succeeded, and the game reversed itself...continuing through several rounds. When it ended, he pressed my head to his bare chest and rocked me to sleep. I could have sworn that at the height of his kiss, I saw the door open just a fraction of an inch...but maybe it was just my imagination. Yes, my imagination. I fell asleep in his strong arms, leaving behind my grief and  
reveling in the safety I found in Auron's embrace. What had changed his mind, sending him down the slippery slope he'd tried so hard to avoid?


	15. Separation Anxiety

Chapter 15 

Auron nudged me awake sometime later. How long had I been asleep? It really didn't matter, I reflected. The feelings of sorrow and emptiness had lost their edge and begun to recede. Auron had seen to that, at great personal cost. Against hope, I was beginning to believe that maybe he did share my feelings and was simply having a harder time coming to terms with them than I had. Not that it was easy for me, of course. But Auron was...different. There were doubtless many hurtful things in his past that he didn't want to relive and I often regretted that opening himself to those kinds of feelings again was really the only way to pull him out of his self-imposed isolation. In the end, it would be best for him, but thinking it over and expressing it to Auron were two very different things. He was beginning to understand, and more importantly, respond.

Words couldn't express the gratitude I felt for his presence in this moment. Nothing he could say provided quite the same comfort as did his warm, strong body. Auron's muscular arms were still wrapped tightly about my waist, and though there were things we both wanted to say, we lay there for a bit, savoring the moment. His stubble-roughened chin rested on the crown of my own head, his body almost enclosing mine. I never wanted this to end. Maybe this was why Auron said so little, if he could be this effective in silence...

Curiousity and the desire to hear his deep, sonorous voice again eventually drove me to break that silence. There wasn't really a good way to word the question I wanted to ask, and every shred of common sense warned me against asking. "Auron...why?"

Before he answered, Auron tilted his head down and planted a soft kiss in my hair. "You really have to ask?" His voice was little more than a deep rumble in his chest. Was this the same Auron who, mere days before, had threatened to have Yuna revoke my status as a guardian?

"It's just...you spent so much time trying to avoid this...and I realize my childish antics put a lot of pressure on you." The admission was easier to make than I expected. Maybe that was because I had what I most desired right here...finally.

"I'm here because I want to be, if that's what you're asking." He kissed my forehead. "I'm not a man that gets bullied into anything...well, not unless you're a summoner." A warm, genuine smile spread across his face, apparent even in his eye. Even the scar that dominated the right side of his face seemed gentler.

I'm honestly not sure why I pursued the conversation further. I had the answer I wanted...even if it was no clearer what had caused him to change his mind so completely. "I...just, well...the Auron I knew a couple days ago...he wouldn't have done this, you know?"

I feared that for a moment he might take offense at my comment, but the smile persisted. He unwrapped one hand from my waist to caress my cheek. "So many questions...you'll never accept anything at face value, will you?" It was more of a lighthearted teasing than an admonishment...it took a moment for me to realize this. Whatever I'd thought of him before, I'd never considered that Auron could ever be...playful. "Lake Macalania...Sin...they made me realize there were some lessons left to learn, even for an old guardian like me."

Auron paused for a moment, collecting his thoughts. "If things had gone differently, we might not have made it out of there. I might have lost you..." the prospect truly seemed to horrify him. "What I told you before was true. Life is precious. It...it almost happened again...Yevon, it's been so long..." His last words were more for himself than for me, although I understood the sentiment. Even denying himself the indulgence of his feelings, the loss would have been the same. The damage had been done.

I really had nothing to offer in response to Auron's words. I thanked any being that would listen that he had at last decided to acknowledge his feelings. He truly did appear more at ease than he'd been throughout our journey. He seemed more like the younger version of himself that I'd seen in the sphere in Macalania Forest. Perhaps even more alive than he'd been in ten years...not an easy thing for a dead man...

That revelation, while shocking, could not change my feelings for him. I'd known him too long. Dead or alive...was unimportant for now. Auron was, and always would be Auron regardless of the nature of his existence. There was one important consequence of his being dead, however. He couldn't fight the Farplane forever...he'd have to be Sent eventually...likely at the end of the pilgrimage. I resolved not to let that interfere with my ability to enjoy his company while I could. Best not to think about it until we got to that moment. There was still a lot left to do in the meantime...finding and recovering Yuna obviously first on the list.

There was a firm knock on the door, more a warning than an inquiry. Our visitor didn't wait to be acknowledged and entered immediately. Reluctantly, I raised my head from Auron's chest to identify the new arrival. Wakka. Thank goodness he wouldn't be surprised to find us together. As soon as he saw us lying in bed, Wakka's gaze went to his feet.

"Uh, Sir Auron, Cid has asked to see you privately...He implied that it was, uh, urgent. He said to meet him in his quarters." Without waiting for a response, Wakka fled the room. Had they found Yuna? Auron was the natural leader of the group in her absence and it only made sense for Cid to consult him before planning our next move.

Auron waited until Wakka was gone, and the door closed behind him before getting out of bed. As he rose, he took one of my hands in both of his and kissed it. "I'll be back soon, Rikku...hopefully with some good news." Auron must have shared my interpretation of Wakka's message. What else could be so urgent? He collected his shirt, collar and glasses from where he'd set them hours ago, dressed, and departed without reclaiming his robe from me.

I waited until Auron's lingering body heat faded from the spot he'd occupied in the bed, then got up as well and set out for the luxurious room Father had claimed for himself. The air of the corridor was somewhat chilly, so I quickly fetched Auron's robe from where I'd left it in the bed, securing it in place with the belt he'd also left behind. When I arrived at Father's room, I pressed my ear to the door. The deep voices of both men were easily heard through the thin metal sheet blocking the portal.

Father's tone was angry and accusing from the first I heard. "What the hell were you doing with my daughter?" Oh no!

Auron remained silent. I wished I could have seen his body language. Both men were strong-willed and not likely to cede ground easily.

Cid wasted no time in following up when it became apparent that Auron wasn't going to dignify the question with a response. Auron must have regarded him blankly. "Don't play stupid with me! I saw you kiss her. Your position as a guardian won't win you any points here, pedophile!"

Again, the accusation was met with silence. Father's anger grew by the second. "You've nothing to say for yourself? First, you drag my niece off to die on this accursed pilgrimage, and as if that weren't enough, you try to seduce my daughter?"

Auron's disciplined silence must be driving Father crazy. The old adage was true...you can't have an argument with just one person. I could imagine Auron's cool gaze remaining locked on my father in thoughtful detachment as the Al Bhed lost his patience...and perhaps his rationality, by degrees.

"Answer me, damn you!" Footsteps signified Father's quick movements. Toward Auron? Striking the guardian would be a mistake, I thought. Father can't be that stupid. What, then, was Cid doing?

Whatever it was, it got a reaction from Auron. His voice and tone remained level, reasonable in stark contrast to Father's. "Return those." And then I realized, Father must have reached up and plucked the sunglasses from Auron's face in an attempt to provoke the guardian. I was mildly surprised by this revelation. Auron was usually very particular about who touched him...or the glasses.

"I'll give them back when you decide to explain yourself." Father, too, had regained some of his composure, though not much.

Auron gave in, not wanting to force further confrontation. "Yuna's decision to make the pilgrimage was her own. If you want to prevent her from finishing it, take it up with her, but I'll not interfere in any Summoner's decision to undertake the pilgrimage." Vintage Auron. But he'd ignored the repeated questions about his intentions toward me.

"You can be sure I will, after we rescue her." Much as Father must have hated to admit it, Auron was going to be a necessary component in any rescue attempt. "And, about my daughter?" It was more a demand than a question.

Auron took a deep breath, and a calculated risk. "I can say nothing in my defense. You're right, I tried to seduce her." What are you doing, Auron! Are you mad? Father will surely kill you!

I could imagine Father's smirk of victory as he relinquished Auron's glasses. I listened in horror as I heard Father's fist connect with Auron's jaw. I heard nothing further, however, as Auron must have elected not to return the blow. "Stay away from my daughter and get the hell off my airship!"

Father would probably have men on their way to remove Auron from the room, and the airship. I ran back to my room as fast as my feet would carry me, and waited there for Auron to collect the rest of his equipment. I tried to compose myself in the few seconds before two grim-faced Al Bhed arrived with Auron. He entered the room wordlessly and collected his sword, strapping it to his back.

"Rikku, tell the others I will meet up with them in Bevelle," Auron said simply. He offered no explanation of what had happened in the meeting with Father. The trickle of blood from the corner of his mouth was all the explanation I needed, even if I hadn't heard the conversation.

I nodded. "Auron, I..." I wanted to embrace him, but my father's men were watching us closely.

He placed a finger to my lips to silence me. "I know, Rikku, I know. So do I. But for now, this is for the best. Everything will be ok," he said, and left the room with the two Al Bhed guards in tow. How can you be so calm, Auron?

After Auron and the guards left, I carefully removed the red coat Auron had not asked me to return to him, folded it, and hid it away in the bottom drawer of the dresser. It wouldn't do to be seen in the clothing of the man my father believed tried to rape me. I wanted more than anything to put the garment back on, to inhale the scent of its owner in an attempt to banish some of the loneliness I already felt setting in. Why did you have to do it, Auron? Knowing Father, he'd already be on his way to make sure the lecherous old man (Father couldn't be more wrong!) hadn't done any lasting harm.

Sure enough, Father walked through the open door moments later. He sat down next to me on the bed, puting his arm around me protectively. "Rikku, he didn't hurt you, did he?"

I shook my head, wishing I could explain things to him. "No, not at all. He was actually very gentle...even comforting." That was all I dared to say. Auron had gone to great lengths to spare me from my father's wrath, and playing anything other than the innocent victim would arouse Father's suspicions.

As it was, Father looked at me sternly, though his face was filled with concern for the daughter he still believed to be his little girl. "He tried to take advantage of you, Rikku. He won't do it again, I promise." Father hugged me. "I'm having some of my most trusted men escort him off the ship as soon as we can find a safe landing spot."

"Thank you, Father." It hurt to try to make those words convincing. Father's actions had hurt me more than Auron's harshest words ever had.

I discussed our plans to find and rescue Yuna with Father for quite some time, and got caught up on what I'd missed while away from Home. It had been a long time since we'd talked like this, and I fervently wished it could have happened under better circumstances. When Father was sufficiently reassured of my safety, he left to resume his duties as ship's captain and leader of the Al Bhed. I began to consider what I'd say to the others concerning Auron's...sudden departure.


	16. The Enemy of my Enemy...

Chapter 16

All those years ago, when I first met Jecht, I'd felt so superior standing outside the cell that contained him. After all, I was the kind of person that would never see the inside of one of those cells, right? I was a guardian to Summoner Braska, a man of faith and standing in Yevon's heirarchy, Jecht a mere ruffian and a drunk. Wrong. Bevelle always has plenty of space in her dungeons for criminals, but also the political enemies of the Maesters and your good old-fashioned heretics. I wonder which they fancied me. At this point, probably both a rebel against the Maesters' authority and a heretic. What other possible reason could exist to lock me up in preparation for Yuna's wedding?

My jailers had chained me, arms spread wide, to the rear wall of a semi-private cell. The cool draft of the early evening breeze played down from the narrow, barred street level window, bothering the bare skin of my upper body. The taste of dried day-old blood still lingered in my mouth. The warrior monks had seized me almost immediately after entering the city. I'd never claimed to be good at infiltration, but I never really appreciated how easily I was recognized either. Was the "legendary guardian" label always going to be such a hinderance?

Rikku could have slipped into the city unnoticed, she was good at this type of thing, but she was also back on the airship. If I had known my decision to take Cid's wrath completely on myself was going to land me here, I would have approached that meeting differently. Not that Cid had planned my capture. If possible, the man had even less love for Yevon than I. Pondering the situation wasn't helping, the truth of the matter was I was useless to Yuna in this state.

As if to punctuate that thought, the cell door opened to admit a lithe, graceful female form in the elaborate robes of a high priestess of Yevon. The cut of the garment emphasized everything feminine about its wearer, every stitch and fold meticulously placed for maximum effect. An intoxicating perfume, reminiscent of my own youth, wafted from the exposed skin of her wrists and neck. If there was a perfect woman...she would have been it.

She carried herself with the grace and confidence of a being that tolerated no failure, no refusal. Indeed, she'd always gotten everything she ever desired...save one thing. Me. Not long before I'd been assigned as Braska's guardian, I'd turned down this woman, Legasa's, marriage proposal. Not a thing had changed about this woman. She was still as addicted to power, beauty and worldly pleasure as she'd been when I last saw her. Her father's position had passed to her, and no doubt she'd come to taunt me with what might have been mine had I made the "right" decision all those years ago.

When she proposed, she told me unabashedly, "I have a weakness for pretty things, Auron...I collect them. You will take your place in that collection, or it will be your downfall." She'd had no need to veil her intentions behind flowery words. Her father's power would see to it that she was satisfied, by possessing her prize, or by destroying it if she could not have it. I never once regretted my decision to turn her down. I could not have brought myself to live as her caged pet, comfortable though that life might have been.

Legasa walked toward me, her feet making only the barest sound on the floor. One small, perfect hand placed itself underneath my chin and lifted my head, forcing me to look at her. She considered me carefully and shook her head slowly.

"Auron...It's good to see you again, though I wish we could have been reunited under better circumstances." Sarcasm dripped from her honeyed voice.

I didn't answer her. Her hand gripped me roughly by the chin and rotated my head a bit to the left, and then to the right. I didn't resist. "The years have not been kind to you, I see." She paused to emphasize the clear differences between us. Legasa seemed not to have aged a day. "A pity...you were such a dashing young warrior monk. Those eyes..."

Her hand released my chin. I knew what was to come next. She reached toward the right side of my face and her fingertips traced the path of my scar. I forced myself to weather her touch without giving her the satisfaction of wincing beneath those hateful fingers. I'm not sure how she interpretted my lack of reaction, but she repeated the gesture. Please, stop touching me!

"You should have married me, Auron. This never would have happened. You would have been spared the suffering of the last ten years." Her voice was gentle, enticing, and reprimanding, all at once.

I could not allow this to go on any longer. "I have no regrets about my decision, Legasa. It set me free in a way you could never understand. There is more to the world than baubles and tea parties," I said coldly.

She withdrew her hand from my face, and her coutenance formed into a mask of feigned shock. "You still possess a voice! I was beginning to wonder, Auron, if you'd lost that as well."

"I still have those things that are most important to me."

Legasa smiled sadly. "Is that what you tell yourself so that you can sleep at night? You cling to your dead Summoner and your 'duty to defeat Sin' because that's all you've got left. You could have been somebody, Auron. You could have changed the world in a meaningful way at my side." Her words showed more insight than I'd ever attributed to her although the fundamental self-centeredness of her thought process and worldview had not changed.

She had struck closer to home than she could have ever guessed. I struggled to maintain control over myself, tried not to relive the sequence of events that had driven me back to take my revenge on Yunalesca. I really had failed to do what I'd wanted most. I stood by and allowed Jecht and Braska to die for naught! There was no way Legasa could have known this, but her words didn't hurt any less for it. I hated myself for my failures and I hated her for making me relive them. But I still did not regret refusing the priestess.

Her voice became soft, almost a whisper. "I loved you once, Auron. But the creature you are now..." She shook her head.

"No, you lusted after me, and I, you. But there was never any love between us. The difference is, I outgrew it. You never did."

Anger flashed across her features and she backhanded me across the face, her sharp nails opening a series of parallel cuts on my cheek. "How dare you! You should have taken what I offered you, Auron. That face...no woman will so much as look at you now, much less offer you love and acceptance the way I did."

Her words did hurt, despite the fact that I knew they were not true. Rikku loved me, Rikku wasn't shallow in the same way this woman was, I told myself. Legasa's barb made me second-guess myself, though. Why did Rikku love me? What did she see in me?

"Did you come here merely to torment me? Or did you have some other use in mind for me?" Hints of my own feelings showed through in my words, try as I might to prevent it. I knew it immediately for a mistake on my part. Legasa's skill in manipulating people was the only facet of her that had grown since I last saw her.

She played upon the response she'd gotten from me. "Hideous though you may be, Auron, you still have your uses. I will order your release from this place if you agree to help me further our common goal."

I ignored the insult this time. "And, what exactly is that goal?"

Legasa walked as far off to my right as the cell would allow, making me twist uncomfortably to maintain her in my field of vision. "I'm not fond of the path the Maesters are leading us down. I desire...more influence among the Yevon clergy, the Summoners, and the people. That means eliminating a certain powerful person and soon, before he causes any more trouble."

It irked me to admit that our common enemy took precedence over our personal history. But, if allying myself briefly with Legasa could achieve both the Sending of Seymour and Yuna's freedom, it was worth enduring. I knew to whom she referred without naming him,. "I have some...unfinished business with that person as well. Tell me what you have in mind..."

Her smirk and quick reply caught me off guard. "Marry me."

I regarded her with total disbelief. "That discussion ended years ago, Legasa."

She shook her head. "You've never had much of a sense of humor, Auron. Some things never change..."

Legasa reached into a hidden fold in her robe and withdrew a ring of keys. "This is an issue better discussed in a more...private location. You never know who reports to whom in a place like this." She gestured in the direction of a warrior monk making his rounds of the block.

She waited until the monk passed my cell and unlocked the chains that held my arms and legs in place. The skin beneath the unpadded metal bands was chafed and raw, bleeding in some places. To my surprise, she took one of my arms and placed it across her shoulders and behind her head, attempting to lend me some support. Bevelle had never been known to be humane in the treatment of its prisoners. At least I hadn't been tortured. My blood inevitably smeared all over the shoulders of her pristine robe, but she didn't seem to care.

Legasa directed me to a disused corner of the prison level and triggered a door hidden in the wall. So...she had invested the time to learn all of Bevelle's secret passages and trap doors. She must have been planning this move for quite a while, but then, that was like her. If high ranking members of the Yevon clergy weren't involved somehow in the battle with Sin, they usually spent most of their time jockeying for power among themselves, or forming tenative alliances to shore up the influence of the priesthood as a whole.

She led me up a narrow, winding flight of stairs and we finally exited into a wider hallway. My feet dragged a bit on the thick, luxurious carpeting that lined the corridor. Legasa forced me forward. "We're almost there," she whispered.

We stopped in front of an elaborately inlaid door, which the high priestess opened with another key on the keyring she'd used to free me earlier. These must be her personal quarters. Looking around, I took note of the lavish decorations and expensive trinkets that adorned every available surface. There was not a bare patch of wall in sight - they were covered with either paintings or tapestries everywhere I looked. The priestess helped me over to her bed, a construction of ornately carved wooden posts, no doubt with the softest mattress her underlings could procure, covered by only the finest in lace and linens.

"How will you explain my absence when they count the prisoners this evening?" I asked as she gestured for me to lay down. I did so, hesitantly. Legasa disappeared into an obscenely large closet, emerging with an armful of linen bandages, canisters of various salves, and several potions.

Setting down her materials, she responded. "Officially, I'm interrogating you on the location and plans of your comrades. With all the attention being given the wedding preparations, it should be enough to keep them distracted. Very few people have the audacity to question my actions...and I have a bit of a reputation for being good at extracting information from prisoners."

I held myself perfectly still as she cleaned and tended the wounds opened by the shackles. The creams and salves she applied helped to dull the pain somewhat, and it felt good to have clean bandages over the raw flesh. Why was she doing this? The same reason she does everything, I realized. Legasa only expended effort on someone or something when she expected to get a much greater return.

She mixed a couple of potions into a cup and held it out to me. "Drink this." Dare I trust her? Did I really have a choice?

I took the proffered cup and downed the foul-smelling contents. Legasa sat down beside me on the bed. "I'll have one of my more loyal servants bring your belongings. We must be ready to act when the moment comes."

I raised one eyebrow. "It would help if I knew the plans..."

She smiled confidently and raised one hand to my face to brush back some of the strands of my disheveled hair. "In time, Auron..."

"You're the one who remarked how little time we have to prepare..." I heard my words slur slightly, and a feeling of lightheadedness began to overtake me. She must have drugged me.

Legasa stretched out next to me. "We have a bit of time, certainly enough to get a good night's rest first." Her hand caressed my cheek. "You know, Auron, I never really got over you."

It took a lot of effort to shake my head slightly. Everything appeared to be happening in a fog. "Legasa...no, there is someone else." I struggled to pull her hand away from my face and return it to her side. I didn't hear her response, and what she did next, I was unable to recall. I didn't fall asleep for quite some time, although I was sure that I lay there helpless to defend myself against whatever she decided to do to me. Would she try to claim what had eluded her all those years ago? Forgive me, Rikku...


	17. The Gilded Cage

Chapter 17

I lost nearly all awareness of time after Father had Auron forcibly removed from the airship. I never really thought about it much before, but it really is strange how much of an effect a person's mere presence can have on you. The world seemed darker, more dangerous without Auron around, although rationally I knew one man couldn't change the number of fiends in the world or the fact of Sin's existence. But Auron...there was something about him that radiated through the shield of cold and contempt he wrapped around himself. And I missed it, dearly. And him. Auron!

He said he'd meet us in Bevelle. That must mean he believed that's where Yuna was. I convinced Father that it would make sense to try Bevelle first, since it was the seat of Yevon's power...of course I didn't mention Auron's name. My thoughts invariably drifted to the red-robed guardian and what he must be doing right now. My red-robed guardian...I hoped he was safe, but somehow, knowing Auron, I doubted it. He had a penchant for choosing the path that would place himself in the most danger in order to protect his charges to the greatest degree he could. Why would this particular time be any different? That's why I needed to get into Bevelle without making too much of a disturbance.

That was fine for my fellow guardians, but Father took some convincing. What can I say...Father's never been a finesse kind of guy. But in the end, we both found an aspect of the plan we could identify with. Yuna's guardians would be let off the ship outside Bevelle at the earliest chance available to infiltrate the city. We were to gather information on where she was being held and find the best time to launch Father's full frontal assault, nominally in revenge for the destruction of Home. We would provide support from inside the city, opening the way for Father's most trusted men to aid us in rescuing my cousin. While in Yevon's capital, I hoped to find and meet up with Auron, both to allay my fears about his condition, and to take advantage of his knowledge.

Before our landing, I approached Lulu to ask her about the one insecurity I still had about our plan. I found her in her quarters, making the final preparations for the landing. "Um...Lulu, there's something I wanted to ask you before we get to Bevelle."

"Yes?" Sometimes I swore Lulu was the female version of Auron. She was so matter-of-fact and serious. Then again, this was her third pilgrimage. Maybe something about the journey had a way of stealing the vitality from the people who pursued it and lived to tell the story.

"How good are you at illusions?" I asked.

She didn't look up from her pack. "Most of my spells are aimed at damaging their targets rather than altering them. I do know a few illusions, but I've never had much use for them. Why do you ask?"

I decided to be completely honest. "No one's going to want to see an Al Bhed in Bevelle." I gestured to my eyes.

"Of course. So small a spell shouldn't be much of a problem. If you're ready..." She took her stuffed moogle in her hands and I nodded. She made a few quick motions with her hands, and the doll jumped out of her grasp and mimicked them. I felt lightheaded for a moment and then the feeling was gone.

"All done?"

"Yeah," she responded, picking up the now inanimate moogle from its position on the floor.

"What color are my eyes now?"

"I still see the green swirls of an Al Bhed, but that's because I know you. A stranger will see simply what he thinks goes best with your hair and complexion, if he doesn't take a close look at you," explained the black mage.

"Thank you," I said, leaving.

The landing went without incident, and we found ourselves in Macalania forest for the second time in recent memory. Though I'm not sure how Father arranged the meeting, one of his informants met us just outside the gates and outfitted the human members of our party with robes befitting various Yevon priests and functionaries. While we took up our positions in the religious orders of the city, Kimahri would make his rounds of the taverns to find out the...less savory news the city had to offer. We found out that Yuna was indeed in the city, being held in a kind of gilded cage in preparation for her wedding to Maester Seymour, which was to take place the next day.

We entered the city under cover of darkness and headed for the Palace of St. Bevelle, the heart of the city and the headquaters of the Yevon priesthood. We were allowed access to the Palace without challenge, our disguises had done their job. The group split up to better cover the substantial grounds of the Palace and I made discrete inquiries about a certain legendary guardian who may have visited the city in recent days. The name of Auron was greeted with scowls and remarks about a hero-turned-traitor. This could not be good.

After expending some effort (and gil), I eventually learned that he had been imprisoned as both a heretic and poltical dissident. A high priestess by the name of Legasa had him in her custody for questioning. I convinced a maid to point me toward the location of Legasa's quarters in exchange for the last of my money. I fervently hoped the chamber wasn't guarded, since I was not likely to be able to overcome the warrior priests who provided security in the Palace.

I arrived at the door to the lavish quarters of the high priestess, relieved to find them unguarded. I pondered knocking on the door, though it would ruin any advantage I was likely to receive. I would need every little thing I could get and burst into the room without announcing myself.

The door flew open to reveal a chamber filled with gaudy decorations, likely the most expensive the owner could obtain. The oversized bed that dominated the middle of the main room was occupied. Auron's substantial, well-muscled form lay back comfortably on the soft mattress, and the woman on top of him could only be Legasa. The high priestess sat, naked, on top of Auron's prone body, kissing his face and stroking his hair. From this angle, I couldn't see the expression on the face of the guardian, but he definately wasn't resisiting her advances.

I couldn't maintain my silence and my emotions overtook me. Jealously...rage...the pain of betrayal. Had Auron purposely sought dismissal from the airship in order to join a former lover here, away from my eyes? My anger took possession of me and I ran to the bed, pushing the priestess from her position on Auron's hips. She became aware of my charge too late, and toppled off the bed with the force of the impact.

Auron's body lay still, in the same position I had first seen him. It wasn't like Auron. He was always vigiliant and alert, as though he was challenging fate to send something his way. The guardian must be unconscious or ill, he would never allow himself to be so helpless. I was torn between remaining near Auron to protect him from the priestess, and following up on the blow that had driven her from her position. In the end, I elected to pursue my advantage against Legasa. She must have done something to Auron, or else he would have been on his feet, involved in the matter, somehow.

I tumbled off the bed, looking for where the priestess had fallen. Slowly, the events that had taken place in this room began to coalesce in my mind's eye. The priestess must have tried to rape Auron, for he would never have given himself to her willingly...and it would explain his lack of responsiveness now. I wondered how she was able to drug him...Auron wasn't the trusting type. There was definately more to this story than I knew. I landed next to the priestess, grabbed her by the shoulder and raised my fist and its attached claw, ready to strike her.

I awoke to the sound of commotion around me. Someone else must have entered the room...but who? When I opened my eye, I saw the world through a spinning haze. I was groggy, and uncoordinated, utterly unable to help myself out of my predicament. At least Legasa was no longer on top of me. Whoever else was in the room now must have interrupted her plans. Knowing the high priestess, she would be furious.

Slowly, I sat up, and was rewarded with shooting pains that originated in my head and traveled down my back. I shook my head in a vain attempt to clear my vision, but there was no improvment. I couldn't afford to wait and allow events to unfold without me, so I glanced around the room. Off to the right, I thought I caught sight of Rikku's blurry form holding Legasa at her mercy. If I didn't intervene, she'd surely kill the high priestess...and right now, much as I hated to admit it, I couldn't allow that.

"Rikku, don't!" I gasped.

The blond head turned to face me, though the Al Bhed maintained her tight grip on Legasa, and her fist in the ready position. "She was going to rape you, Auron!"

A wave of deep shame swept through my body. Men don't get raped, I thought, unless they're gullible enough to allow someone to drug them into unconsciousness. Legasa must not have gotten far, I reflected, because I was still in possession of my pants. However humiliated I felt, I willed myself to take control of the situation. "I know, Rikku. She might have succeeded if you hadn't gotten here in time...but...you have to release her. Please..."

The Al Bhed's face took on a puzzled expression. "Auron? Have you lost your mind? We can't trust her!"

Legasa had moved quickly to cover her own fear for her life with a chilly composure which had shifted to mild amusement as Rikku and I argued about her fate. "We. Need. Her. Help. Rikku." Each word was a struggle. Yevon, I hated to admit I needed Legasa for anything. She would stop at nothing to rub my face in it at every possible opportunity.

Rikku's fist fell from it's upraised position. "Huh? Why?" She'd lost all of her resolve, and her grip on the priestess slackened.

Before Legasa could confuse the girl further, I explained, "She has connections inside the priesthood. Seymour is her enemy as well. If we help her, we stand a better chance of recovering Yuna and getting rid of Maester Seymour."

Rikku's icy gaze fixed on the priestess. "You...You deserve to die for what you've done to Auron! But if he says I have to trust you...there must be a reason." She stood up and backed away. Legasa smirked in victory and bent down to regain her clothing. With more grace than I'd thought possible, she dressed herself, never showing any shame at what she'd been caught doing.

Legasa pushed past Rikku and stood at the foot of the bed, striking a regal pose. Her voice was composed and calculating, almost as if she'd planned everything this way. "This is some daughter you've got, Auron...Quite remarkable. Someone has attempted to hide her true nature, but I can see through the spell," Legasa paused. "Yes...An Al Bhed, Auron...you turned me down for an Al Bhed heathen whore? No wonder why you disappeared for ten years, I would have too, in light of a shame this great."

I was shocked! Daughter? Was I really that old? I had no defense, but to tell the truth. "She's...not my daughter, Legasa..."

The look on the high priestess' face didn't change. Though caught off guard, this woman was a master of social interaction and recovered quickly...she always seemed to have the right thing to say. "Not your daughter, Auron? What incentive would she have to find you...how would she know of you? What could she be to you?"

I stared at Legasa, trying not to betray my own fear at vocalizing my feelings for the first time. "Legasa...she is...Rikku is...the woman I love."

A sneer spread across the high priestess' vindictive face, and she snickered at me. "She's nothing more than a child, Auron! Why, she's not even as old as I was when I proposed to you. You're desperate, Auron. You're lonely. You've resorted to cradle-robbing to satisfy your 'urges,' haven't you?"

I wanted to shout at her, but I used the last of my strength to control myself. "Rikku is more mature than you can ever be, Legasa. She has seen more than you can ever appreciate. You are the very thing you accuse me of being. You would have taken from me forcefully what I would not give to you willingly. What I have with her, you can never understand..." I really didn't want to reveal that much to her, but it was the only way out I could see.

Rikku had been frozen in confusion, but after I told Legasa the truth about myself and the Al Bhed guardian, she got to her feet. She slowly walked around the bed and came to my side. Rikku steadied my still-shaking body, placing her small arms around my torso and leaning her head against my chest. I longed to carry her away from this place, to some safe location where I could ignore the world and lose myself in her...

But I couldn't. We were here in Bevelle. Legasa would not go away, nor would Seymour or his infernal wedding. I placed my left arm around Rikku, but my gaze never left Legasa.

The high priestess regarded me with a look approaching pity. Her voice was soft, hushed, and dangerously indulging. "Forget her, Auron. Whatever you have convinced yourself to see her as, she is still a child. She can't be any older than sixteen or seventeen! She wouldn't know love if it happened to her tomorrow...I will forgive your transgressions, Auron. I will accept you for what you are...for what you have become. Redeem yourself. Let go of your past, Auron. I offer you my hand again." She really did reach out to me.

In response, I clutched Rikku even closer to my body, gripping her possessively. "You've always been a shallow, manipulative woman, Legasa, why would you change now? I'm hideous...ugly...no woman would want me, remember?" I spat at her bitterly. "Your own words!"

Rikku squirmed in my embrace, she surged to her knees and planted a kiss on my cheek. In unison, the two women said, "I want you, Auron." I knew Rikku's feelings to be the genuine article. She would never feign love for any reason. She would never lie about something that could hurt a person so deeply. But...Legasa...she would say whatever was necessary to achieve her own personal goals. I couldn't help but feel that the only reason for her renewed interest was to punish Rikku for interrupting her "interrogation."

The high priestess regarded me with a gaze of pure pity. "Auron...you forget...I can help you free your summoner and finish your pilgrimage. All you need to is accept what you refused all those years ago."

I was torn. If what she presented even offered the smallest chance of Yuna's freedom and the chance to continue her pilgrimage, I was duty-bound to accept the proposal. I wished Rikku didn't have to see this. Before I answered, I leaned down and kissed her forehead and mumbled to her in heavily accented Al Bhed, "Rikku, Bmayca ihtancdyht, E ryja hu lruela." (Please understand, I have no choice)

Rikku nodded, a single tear running down her cheek. "Fa femm veht y fyo..." (We will find a way...)

I released the Al Bhed, stood, and got out of bed. My legs took a moment to support my weight fully, it had been a while since I'd walked on my own. I stumbled over to where Legasa stood, flawlessly clothed in her Yevon regalia, and knelt before her. My lips spelled out the words my heart hated to hear most. I took the high priestess' hand in both of mine, fervently wishing it were Rikku's, instead. "Very well, Legasa. I will marry you if you can keep your end of the bargain. But not a moment sooner." I swore I could almost feel the tears flowing from Rikku's eyes as her footsteps carried her from the room. She had assured me that she understood...at least she did in her mind...but what would her heart say?


	18. Breaking Free

Chapter 18

I didn't want Auron to see me crying. It was hard enough for him to do what he felt necessary without having to deal with me. So, I left the room and waited outside the door for him. After he finished with Legasa, someone still had to fill him in on the group's plans and find out what he knew.

I paced the corridor nervously, my thoughts drifting to my cousin. Although Yunie's life was probably not in danger, I worried about what would happen with Seymour tomorrow. I had favored the wedding when it represented a good chance to convince Yuna to end her pilgrimage, but now she was more determined than ever to continue. She'd made that much clear before our visit to Macalania temple. There was no deterring her from facing Sin, from cutting short her own life in order to give ten years of blessed peace to everyone else on Spira. But now...the wedding was pointless and what's more, I was sure Yunie was no longer participating of her own free will. Seymour had won both the battle of wits and the armed conflict, for the moment. Hopefully, it would all change tomorrow, for the better.

I can't remember the last time I felt so insecure. Two of the people closest to me were in danger of walking into traps that, once they sprang shut, would never release them. Yunie would be tied to Seymour in both fact and law. That creepy half-Guado Maester would shamelessly use her to take his revenge on the people of Spira for the mistreatment he'd suffered throughout his life. I couldn't allow it, as much as I couldn't allow Legasa to imprison the man I loved in the same way. So much revolved around that single day...there was no certainty in my existence, nothing to cling to. Both of them were on the verge of being taken from me, but I had a chance to save each from their fates. A small chance that hinged on everything going correctly tomorrow. There were still so many holes...

I wasn't alone long, although it seemed like an eternity with only my own dark thoughts for company. Auron emerged from the room rather quickly, all things considered - the high priestess must have taken him at his word (and why not? Auron always kept his word) and passed on the details of her own plan. I still didn't understand why she would have demanded him to marry her. From the little I had been able to piece together, Auron must have turned her down sometime in the past and clearly didn't think much of him now. Had she really called him ugly and hideous? Legasa must really be as shallow as the guardian had said, and her words had definately hurt him. She couldn't really want him, except as a means to some unknown end. He must have known this, and allowed himself to be a pawn in Legasa's game, for Yuna's sake. Always for Yuna's sake...Auron drove himself into the ground, into the very depths of his personal hell, for my cousin, as did we all, albeit to a lesser degree.

Finally, Auron emerged from the room alone, wearing his shirt, belt, sword, collar and glasses again. He appeared to have regained his composure, although the frown lines were painfully apparent on his face. For the first time I can remember, Auron truly did look old in that instant. The traces of silver at his temples were a dull gray, his eye was flat and unfocused. Even the stubborn resolve usually apparent in his features seemed to have dissolved. He had resigned himself to his fate.

I stood beside him and placed my hand on his forearm. To my surprise, he shrugged off the contact and walked silently down the hall. I followed him only because I would have been lost in the maze that was the Palace. He stopped in front of a bare patch of wall, and slid his hand along one line of stones. With a soft click, somekind of latch released and a narrow door opened into a dark and winding stairwell.

"Does this go to the basement? It's where the others are meeting to coordinate what we're going to do tomorrow. I have to meet them there, and I don't really know the way." I looked down at my feet, not sure how to deal with Auron in this state.

"Yeah. I'll take you there. I think I know the place they have in mind." With that, he disappeared into the stairwell and began descending. He took the stairway almost to the bottom, wordlessly keeping a brisk pace in front of me and taking each step with complete confidence in the near dark. I struggled to keep up and almost lost my footing a couple of times.

I would have never found the meeting place alone. Auron navigated quickly through a maze of endless corridors and turns, lit weakly by the rare torch. Obviously, the small monk's cells in this part of the Palace were no longer in use. At the end of a long, dark and musty hallway, we came to a disused meal hall where the rest of the party was gathered. How did Auron know this is where we had agreed to meet? We found this place by accident, he seemed to know it instinctively.

I was glad to see the others, although their greetings betrayed their own fatigue. Everyone had been through a lot today, from an early start to begin our mission, to their various intelligence-gathering tasks, all the while worrying about maintaining their cover. Yuna's absence left a gaping hole in the group, and the toll was apparent on every face in the room. We exchanged the information we'd been able to uncover, though Auron remained silent until the end. Even when the conversation was over, it appeared he wasn't in the mood to let us know what the priestess was going to do to stop the wedding. I decided to intervene.

"Auron?" I asked tenatively.

His head immediately snapped in my direction. "What?" he demanded. When was the last time I'd seen him like this? That night in Macalania forest, when I was supposed to be standing watch. His memories must be weighing on him again, for even in his usual distance, Auron never barked at anyone quite this way, much less me...

"Aren't you going to tell us what that priestess has in mind for the wedding?"

He must have scowled at me behind that collar, I just knew it. But I wasn't going to let him lead us into a volatile situation without sharing what he knew. At length, he did tell us after a long, frozen silence. He spoke in short, clipped sentences, his voice devoid of any hint of emotion or inflection. Legasa would find a way to get us into the wedding party, presumably as members of a guard of honor composed of warrior-monks. It would put us close enough to Yuna to spirit her away in the confusion caused by Father's raid. If everything went according to plan, there was a real chance we could get out of there alive, and with Yuna.

If we were unable to rescue her...well I didn't want to think about that. Everything rested on getting her out of here and to safety. Then we could discuss ending this pilgrimage. It was a discussion I both anticipated and dreaded. I would finally have the chance to prevent Yunie's death, but it would bring me into direct conflict with Auron. If it came down to it, I would choose Yuna's life over Auron's love. The guardian meant a lot to me, although the simple fact was that Yuna possessed but one life. Giving up Auron would hurt, but was far from lethal...the pilgrimage always was. It felt like the worst kind of betrayal to consider the possibility, but men other than Auron did exist, if there was no way we could continue to be together. Speaking of Auron...I wondered if he planned to stay in Bevelle after it was all over, and if the priestess would allow him to continue his pilgrimage after the charade of her wedding to him was concluded.

After he finished, Auron walked off to the far corner of the room and sat down against the wall. Squinting in the darkness, I could see him remove the jug from its place on his belt. He regarded it thoughtfully for some minutes and finally uncorked it. I knew he wouldn't want any company...but I wasn't sure that he was exercising his best judgement in drinking tonight. So much depended on everything going correctly tomorrow, and Auron was already shaken by what had happened today. We needed him to be completely in control of himself tomorrow and fully alert.

I walked over to where he sat, and though he must have heard my footsteps, he didn't look at me. Auron set the jug down long enough to unfasten his collar and slip it over his head. The pained expression had not left his face and if possible, he looked even more haggard than when I'd seen him exit Legasa's room. He reclaimed the jug from the floor and glanced up at me, smiling weakly.

"You might as well take a seat, you're not going to leave until you've said your piece, right?" Could this really be the same man I'd fallen in love with? He was treating me as though it never happened...no, not entirely. Anyone else would have been forced away. He was tolerating my presence, but his feelings for me weren't earning me as many points as I had expected. Even so, I took him up on the invitation and sat down next to him, taking care not to touch him.

I couldn't bring myself to look at him. "Auron, I don't really know how to say this without sounding like a lecture...but is it really wise to do that tonight?" I gestured to the jug he held in his lap.

Wordlessly, he replaced the cork in the container. "No, I suppose not." Whether or not he shared my concerns, I wasn't sure. I got the impression he complied simply because he wasn't in the mood to argue over something so trivial. With a wistful sigh, he reattached the jug to his belt and looked at me. "You didn't come over here just to tell me that, though, did you?"

I shook my head. "I wanted to know about that priestess. Why did she attempt...what she did? And why...why did she say all those mean things to you and then turn around and force you to agree to marry her?"

Auron slipped one arm around me and pulled me closer to him. "It's not something I really care to discuss," he stated, a hardness creeping into his voice.

"It just doesn't make any sense."

"Drop it, Rikku. It's not something I'm ready to tell you." His arm was trembling slightly. Everything about his manner, his words, his face screamed Back off! although he was making an effort to remain diplomatic.

"Promise you'll tell me later, then...I have a right to know before you go through with this..." My hurt and indignation showed through, the combined pressure of Auron's and Yuna's situations were taking their toll on me. "It's not fair, Auron! There's got to be a way around this. You should be marrying me, not her! She's nothing more than a manipulative bitch!" Whoa, where had all that come from? It felt good to get that out, but I was embarassed by my lack of self-control and I buried my head in his chest. Auron's other hand came to rest on the back of my head, holding me securely to his body. His head bent down to place a soft kiss in my hair.

"Believe me, I know. I'm sorry it happened this way. She's bitter that I refused her before I became a guardian to Braska. Legasa...always gets her way and has no qualms about using or hurting others to achieve her ends. I didn't mean to draw you into this. I wish we didn't need her help so badly..." Auron rested his head on top of my own. He spread his legs and gently arranged my body so that my hips and legs were between his, with my back and head against his torso. He wrapped both arms around me protectively.

"We should try to get some sleep. Tomorrow's going to be a long day..." I closed my eyes and leaned back against him, trying to get comfortable. "And Rikku...no matter what happens...don't forget that I do love you...that will never change." A contented smile tugged at my lips as I drifted off to sleep.

It seemed only minutes later when Auron's strong hands kneading the muscles of my shoulders awakened me. The guardian pressed his lips to the top of my head. "It's time..."

I took a deep breath, enjoying the warmth of his body and the gentleness of his touch...an island of comfort in this terrible sea of pain and hopelessness. It almost hurt to pull myself away from him, but I had to. Yuna's safety depended on it. Before dressing in the robes that we would wear to the wedding, I went to retrieve my pack. I removed Auron's folded red robe from the bag and carried it over to where he sat.

"You forgot this on the airship, when you left."

He accepted the robe, stood and began putting it on. Auron smiled as he finished dressing himself. "Maybe I forgot it on purpose." I blushed. He must have known I'd wear it whenever I could get a moment alone. It was really the only thing I had to remember him by. Granted, wrapping the robe around myself wasn't as good as having it's owner wrapped around me, but it sufficed until I arrived in Bevelle.

The group formed up quickly and after a light meal, Auron led us to the top floor of the Palace, where the wedding procession was assembling. Everyone we passed in the hallways was absorbed in some aspect of preparing for the ceremony, so no one bothered to stop or challenge us. We managed to slip into the formation of warrior-monks that would be closest to Yuna during the ceremony. Maester Kinoc put in an appearance to make a largely ceremonial inspection, and then we were herded outside and into position for the ceremony. I was thankful that his cursory glance in our direction did not take note of Auron, whom we had placed as far into the formation as possible.

Luck had favored us in our choice of position in the formation of the honor guard. Or was it by Legasa's design? It maddened me to know that I, and our rescue of Yuna were profiting from the priestess' entrapment of Auron. I hoped the risk was worth the potential gain. Rationally, I knew it was, Yuna's safety was my first priority as both her cousin and her guardian. But I couldn't shake the feeling that my cousin's freedom could only result from allowing Auron to sacrifice himself. I tried to tell myself to be strong, that Auron knew what he was doing and that questioning his motives only endangered her further. If he found the trade accpetable, then so must I.

The elaborate pavillion just yards to our left opened to reveal a single warrior monk who peered behind him and offered his hand to a delicate feminine form. Yunie! It took me a moment to recognize her in the lavish silk wedding gown she wore. Her brown hair was pulled back from her face and held in place by numerous jewel-studded pins and clips. A dazzling tiara of diamonds, pearls and other precious stones adorned the top of her head. She looked absolutely breathtaking. My heart sank as I realized that this exquisite display only thinly veiled the danger that radiated from every important personage gathered here. All my muscles tensed. Don't do it, Yunie! Really, what choice did she have? If she refused...I was sure Seymour would find a way to compel her participation. It wouldn't be pretty, but Seymour would see the job done, regardless.

She walked without assistance to her appointed position in the middle of the dais, to await the arrival of her husband...no! Seymour would never be her husband...she awaited the arrival of her jailer. The crowd parted to her right to reveal the infamous Maester himself, dressed in the elaborate regalia of his office. He moved with a grace that radiated confidence. The half-Guado took his place beside Yuna on the dais and he motioned for Maester Mika to come forward to officiate. The elderly Mika shuffled forward, stumbling slightly as he stepped on his long, flowing robes. He looked briefly at both bride and groom, and began to read from a book handed him by a young acolyte. I wanted to shout something, anything to stop the union from becoming official. I succeeded in controling myself and repressing the urge, but only barely. The would-be scream echoed in my mind...And was manifested in the real world in the form of the unmistakable roar of an airborne machina.

Father's airship swept into view at the other end of the Palace. It maneuvered quickly into position and miniature human forms on its decks fired grappling devices at various points on the Palace. Already, Al Bhed soldiers were dropping from ropes and wires, moving to confront and distract the warrior-monks guarding the approach to the dais. It took only a few seconds for the formation of the honor guard to break and rush headlong toward the Al Bhed, scrambling to ready their weapons. We didn't wait for the two groups to clash, but instead drew our own weapons and encircled Yuna. Auron boldly pushed Seymour out of the ring we had formed.

For the first time in a long while, I felt confidence begin to trickle back into my body and thoughts. We had Yuna in our protection again, we guardians had been restored to our rightful position. I allowed myself to savor our minor victory briefly and then tried to calm my fraying nerves and focus on the remainder of our task. My eyes never left Yuna, and I saw her draw a wand from its hiding place in the back of her gown. She was going to send him! I silently praised my cousin for her forethought and watched as she began to rotate the wand.

Her motions were slow at first, but they gained in momentum and speed as she began the Sending. A few stray pyreflies departed from Seymour's body before his attention focused on his would-be bride. He shouted a command to the rear ranks of monks engaged with the Al Bhed, and they came running toward us. I recognized the machina weapons they brandished and knew that there was no way we could hold them off. I fell into a fighting stance, placing myself in between my cousin and the gathering ranks of monks.

Fighting would be useless and the standoff couldn't last long. Our skills might be superior to those of the individual warrior monk, but given their numbers and weapons, they would win eventually unless someone or something intervened. Kinoc took a weapon from one of the monks and walked toward Auron.

"This has gone far enough! Stop!" said the pudgy Maseter.

Seymour walked slowly around to look at each of his bride's guardians. "You would play at marriage just for a chance to Send me? Your resolve is admirable. All the more fitting to be my lovely wife."

Yuna continued her dance, seemingly oblivious to the words of both Maesters. I silently cheered her on. Each step completed, each movement of the wand was a minor victory. Seymour's form grew transluscent as more pyreflies were liberated from his body. He continued past the ring of the guardians and watched as Yuna danced. I felt the barrel of the gun held by the monk in front of me thrust under my chin. His finger took up its position on the trigger. It looked as though he hated to wait for the order to fire.

Mika's voice rose above the din of the battle still taking place below us. "Stop! Do you not value your friends' lives? Your actions determine their fate. Protect them...or throw them away. The choice is yours." Yuna did as she was instructed, ceasing her motions and setting her staff on the ground. Seymour wasted no time in grabbing her and kissing her. No! Get the hell off of her! I saw Yuna's hands ball into fists and felt my own do the same, though she did not otherwise outwardly resist him. A wave of nausea threatened to bring me to my knees, and I struggled to resist. When the kiss was over, and the marriage sealed by a single phrase from Mika, Seymour ordered the monks to kill us.

Seymour grabbed Yunie painfully by the shouder, and hauled her toward a door leading into the inside of the top floor of the Palace. Grimacing, Yuna twisted free of his grip and ran to the edge of the building. My heart lept into my throat as I realized her intentions. Her weight was balanced precariously on her toes, the only part of her still in contact with the Palace. All she need to was lean back and..."No! Throw down your weapons. Let them go, or else..." she announced and gestured toward the empty air behind her. It shouldn't have come to this!

Seymour ordered the guards to do as Yuna suggested. The rifles were lowered and Seymour tried to talk Yuna back from the edge. But she saw through his words. Her mind was made up. It was the only way out of the marriage. Tears stung my eyes...This was not the way it was supposed to go, not the way I had envisioned the last few moments of my cousin's life. We'd come so far, risked so much to get here and for what? The first tear trickled down my cheek. I was going to lose her, and Auron in one miserable day. I reached one trembling hand in her direction, useless I was aware on some level, but that feeble gesture was all I could manage in my despair. I knew she was right...better this than Seymour...but it didn't comfort me any.

Yuna took a deep breath. Seymour must be the only one present to believe she wouldn't make good her threat. He renewed his orders to the warrior monks. "Kill them," he hissed.

"Leave now. Please!" Yuna's command was little more than a plea.

"Yunie!" I shouted in return. "Come with us!"

She shook her head slowly, "Don't worry, go!"

Seymour stepped toward her, fervently trying to slide into the role of the voice of reason. "This is foolish, if you fall, you'll die." He reached out a hand, which Yuna refused.

Yuna smiled and looked directly at me. She must have known what I was feeling, for her comments seemed directed at me specifically. "Don't worry, I can fly...Believe..." With that, she stepped back. Her words had reassured me slightly, but it seemed my stomach fell from that wall with her.

When she disappeared from sight, I returned to reality with a jolt. I recovered my senses and quickly decided how best to take advantage of Yuna's actions. I reached into one of my packs and withdrew a flash grenade...it should be enough to cover our escape. Putting all of my fury behind my arm, I activated and propelled the device at Seymour. It went off right in front of his face and utter chaos resulted. Shouting to the others, I took off toward the opposite end of the Palace and the unguarded door that led toward the Cloister of Trials. If Yunie really could fly, that's where she'd be headed. We elbowed, shoved, and ran over stunned warrior monks as we made our way to the entrance and found the stairs we sought.

We ran down the long spiral staircase that led to the Cloister of Trials, driven by our concern for our Summoner. This part of the Palace was populated by various machina and indeed, the apparatus used for the trial appeared to be a large machina as well. I heard Auron's statement of disgust at Yevon's betrayal of its own teachings, and Wakka's gasp of disbelief. We recovered quickly and set about solving the puzzle to open the way to the Chamber of the Fayth. We crowded onto the various platforms and rode them in every direction, craning to see where the myriad paths of the device's other platforms led. The trial passed in a haze, I didn't care about which spheres went where or what gates they opened. I wanted only to find Yuna safe from both her fall and Maester Seymour. Finally, we solved the puzzle, admittedly without much help from me. I was too preoccupied to be of much use.

When we entered the Chamber, we found Yuna on her knees, communing with the Fayth. Relief flooded me, and my tension dissolved almost completely. Had Tidus not rushed foward to take her in his arms at the end of her prayer, I might have done it instead. Yuna was alive, in possession of Bevelle's Aeon, and safely away from Seymour. Everything might just turn out alright, after all. There wasn't much time for celebration, however, because by now Kinoc and Seymour would have figured out our intentions and made somekind of move to stop us. We needed to leave as soon as possible.

Auron, Kimahri, Lulu, Wakka, and I exited the Chamber first, with Tidus close behind. As soon as the antechamber came into view, I regretted ever stepping out the door. The form of Maester Kinoc came into view, accompanied by contingent of warrior monks. With a simple gesture from Kinoc, the warriors surrounded us and waited for Tidus to emerge. I shouted a warning to him, but was rewarded only with a rifle butt in the gut. My warning was too late anyway, as Tidus was already out of the Chamber, Yuna still in his arms.

A warrior monk handed off his weapon to a comrade and stepped forward to take possession of Yuna. Tidus realized that it was in his best interest to comply and did so, reluctantly. As elated as I had been just moments ago, I was thrust as deeply back into despair. We had almost made it, we were so close. Yuna, I tried...and it wasn't enough! Grief and shame tore my heart in half. There was no outlet for my feelings.

"There's the last of them," Kinoc seemed pleased with himself. "You are to stand trial," he informed us.

Auron answered him first, sarcasm apparent in his voice. "I expect it will be a fair trial..." Auron...the one person who had the power to comfort me in my failure...he was unreachable through a wall of warrior monks.

"Of course it will," Kinoc said without hesitation. Somehow, I didn't believe him. We were herded away to a block of cells on the street level of the Palace. The only thing that sustained me through that trek was the solemn promise that played over and over in my mind: I will have revenge...I will redeem myself...if it costs me everything...Promises, I realized, the eldest of our number had made in his own mind so many years ago...


	19. The Point of No Return

Chapter 19

The trial was as much of a sham as I expected it to be. Really, it was nothing more than a platform for Yevon's Maesters to pontificate about their own righteousness and the truth of Yevon's teachings. We were guilty before we even set foot in the room. The proceedings were only for show, although some unsettling facts were also revealed to us. Half of the Maesters were unsent and the other half knew of and approved of it. After judgement was passed, we were returned to our cells, officially branded traitors to Yevon.

While we awaited word concerning our sentences, Tidus paced the cell restlessly. Lulu and Wakka talked quietly in one corner, Yuna tried to get some rest while Kimahri looked over her, and I stood next to Auron, not really knowing what to say. I wanted to talk to him, to lean against him, but I was afraid to in the presence of the others. I burned inside, longing to take some action to relieve my pent up frustration and rage at the previous day's events. My apprenhension about the trial, our sentences, and Yuna's and Auron's fates kept me from sleeping during the night. I did not seek comfort from Auron even then, it didn't seem proper to burden him with my feelings. He was probably having a hard enough time with his own, though being Auron, he would never have admitted it.

Before long, Maester Kinoc and High Priestess Legasa arrived at the front of our cell, with a number of warrior monks in tow. Kinoc unlocked the cell and stepped back. "Come out, your sentences have been decided. The guards will take you away as your sentences are passed."

Auron snorted. "Sentence? Don't you mean, execution?"

Kinoc chuckled. "Really, now, what person would execute a dear friend?"

Auron's gaze never left Kinoc's and his tone was dead serious. "You would."

Kinoc ignored him. "Summoner Yuna, please come forward. The High Court of Yevon has found you guilty of treason, but in its wisdom, has found also that you hold the potential for redemption. Your service to the people of Spira will continue after you are purified of your crimes." Yuna nodded and walked away with the warrior monks who surrounded her. I could only admire the courage with which she faced the Maester. Who knew what this "purification" would entail?

"Guardians Tidus, Rikku, and Wakka. The High Court of Yevon has pronounced you guilty of treason and found you beyond redemption. You will die like the heretics you are." We were seized by the warrior monks. Wakka and Tidus allowed themselves to be taken away without a struggle, but I fought against the monk who tried to restrain me.

"Auron!" I screamed. He didn't look at me, because he must have known there was nothing to be done.

Legasa's cold voice intervened before the monk could subdue me. "Allow her to remain, Maester Kinoc. What harm is there in her knowing the fates of her fellow guardians?" She smiled faintly...the high priestess was a superb actress and no doubt had something planned to the end of prolonging my torture.

Kinoc agreed, and the monk released me for the moment. "Guardians Kimahri Ronso and Lulu, you too have been found guilty of treason by the High Court of Yevon, but you hold within you the potential for redemption. Go now, to your purification." They followed the monks that came forward to take possession of them.

Kinoc had not yet addressed Auron, apparently the two were old friends. Shaking his head, the pudgy Maester turned to face the scarlet guardian. "Auron...The High Priestess tells me that you owe her a debt that takes precedence over your sentence. I have agreed to release you to her custody in order to fulfill your obligation to her. Walk the path of Yevon, Auron, and you will never be forced to endure your sentence...Fail to, and not even she or I can save you." With that, Kinoc turned from his friend to the priestess.

"Should I order the monks to take the Al Bhed heathen with me, or do you require her, as well?"

Legasa rubbed her chin thoughtfully, going over the possibilities in her mind. "Leave the Al Bhed with me. When I am finished with her, I will see to it that she is brought to the appropriate place...but for now, I have one final lesson for her."

Kinoc seemed confused and somewhat doubtful of the priestess, but he didn't object. "Very well, High Priestess. I warn you, keep a close eye on the two of them. If anything happens, I will hold you responsible." Gesturing to the remaining warrior monks, Kinoc departed and they fell into formation behind them.

Would Auron really allow her to go through with this? Did he have any choice? The executions of myself, Wakka, and Tidus and the carrying out of the "purifcation" sentences for the others would take time, so clearly the pilgrimage was on hold for the time being...assuming the party was able to avoid their various fates. Speaking of which...what could Legasa want me around for? Silly question, Rikku, she gets the most out of torturing Auron if you have to watch...

Legasa turned to toward me, not bothering to hide the sneer that twisted her features. "You poor thing...don't you want to go to your death knowing your lover is in good hands?" The barb stung, and I did my best to hide my reaction. My eyes narrowed and I regarded her with all the hatred in my being...my hatred for Seymour, my hatred for her, my hatred for the loss of both Auron and Yuna, my hatred of my own failures.

I should have stayed silent, but I couldn't. My temper and emotions got the best of me. "Leave me alone, you heartless bitch! Leave Auron alone!"

The priestess smiled at me, fully aware that no words or actions of mine could compel her to obey me. "My dear...you know that isn't possible. Auron is an honorable man. He would never break his word, once given, and I've no intent of releasing him from his promise...despite his - and your - dismal failure yesterday. I'm sure his...performance will improve once you're out of the way."

Legasa turned toward the raven haired guardian. "And you...I expected more from you, Auron. I was promised a legendary guardian, a man who, alongside the great Braska, defeated Sin. Yet in his place, I see an ungrateful, feckless shadow of the man I know you can be. Will you ever cease to disappoint me? Will you ever be worth the time and effort I'm willing to invest in you?"

Auron's forehead furrowed and his eye narrowed behind the dark glasses. I would have given everything I still possessed to see if the expression his collar hid was one of extreme rage, or humiliation. Still, he did not speak. Legasa frowned momentarily. Lambasting him wasn't achieving the desired effect. The High Priestess' features took on a magnanimous, almost pitying cast. Time to try the other end of the spectrum.

Legasa took a few long, graceful strides toward Auron. She removed Auron's glasses and collar without protest from him, and embraced him, kissing him deeply. Auron stood there, dumbfounded, and endured her treatment. I wanted to cry out, to do anything to stop her.

"A minor setback, Auron. No matter, we will succeed eventually. No doubt it won't take long, with your abilities at my command. Yes, Auron, you're mine now. There won't be any escape this time." She reached up to caress his cheek. The smallest of shivers ran down Auron's spine, imperceptible to all but those who knew him well.

My hands curled into fists and my knuckles turned white when I didn't release them. Legasa was taking too many liberties...but then again, she probably intended to torture him as much as she could while he was still useful to her. It wouldn't be any fun, otherwise. Legasa's face lost its forgiving demeanor. Did she really think that stunt had caused him to view her as anything other than a torturer? I saw her fingers reach for his scar, running them down through the deep trough in the flesh.

"Since I'll be forced to abide your presence, Auron, we'll have to see what can be done about this. I'm sure we can find a way to make you more...presentable, although you'll never regain the beauty of your youth. Truly a pity...such a waste," Legasa continued to taunt him. Auron's body began to tremble visibly now, and the priestess must be playing upon her subject's response. There was nothing he could do to release himself from such treatment, Auron would never break a promise. And this was only the beginning of his ordeal...

Auron's breath came in ragged gasps. Somewhere, she'd succeeded in getting to him. How? Auron always seemed to resilient, so strong, impervious to both physical and emotional harm...at least from others. How could one woman hold so much power over him...a woman he hated with all his heart? Her hands remained on his shoulders, and his head slumped forward, his eye shut as tightly as possible. And then I realized, it wasn't Legasa's words that hurt him...they only served as a trigger for the feelings and memories that came flooding back into his mind. She was making him torture himself...and doing it quite well.

I was extremely jealous of the woman in that instant. I yearned to have the same ability...not to hurt him with, just the opposite. If she could see into him so completely as to be able to break him this quickly, surely the very same technique must possess the potential to heal. It fit with an old Al Bhed truism: Technology itself is neither good nor evil - though its implementation may serve either end.

Auron spasmed in pain and his head jerked back. He took a deep breath and struggled to master himself. Beads of sweat formed on his forehead and fell with his movements. Finally, he locked gazes with the priestess. "I will do your bidding, Legasa...just allow me one request..." The guardian's normally rich, deep voice threatened to break.

Legasa also struggled to control herself...except it was amusement she tried to keep from showing. "You're hardly in a position to bargain Auron...you've already made your deal, remember? You're my creature now and you will do my bidding regardless of what you say now."

The guardian snapped. Completely. His voice wavered and his body trembled. Every word that left his mouth did so only because he won a battle against both the darker side of himself and Legasa's will. "I did not say I would obey willingly," he gasped. "I can make things very...difficult for you. You would waste precious time, when you could have my full cooperation by granting me what I ask of you now."

Auron's threat, though delivered weakly, rang true to the priestess. She knew it could be as he said. Yet, he was willing to bargain away the last of his power, for the right price. That look on her face, it said, 'it might be worth the cost.' Legasa asked, "And just what are you asking of me?"

The red-clad guardian's legs gave out and he sank to his knees gracelessly. There was no sign of physical pain on his face. "Spare Rikku and Yuna. Ensure their escapes from this place. If you grant me this, I will surrender myself completely to you."

His last act as Yuna's guardian...and as my...my...what was he to me, anyway? It was a trivial matter, to be sure, but something we had never really discussed. We were in love, but had never been lovers, we were not betrothed, but he was far more than a mere boyfriend. He was...so different from me, yet he represented the sort of kindred spirit I was sure never to encounter again. Did he know? Beyond "I love you," did he really know how I felt? Three simple words. They said much, but hid even more. What good was "love" if it was nebulous and ill-defined? What did two people truly represent to each other if they never explored any deeper than those four inadequate letters?

Legasa smiled openly. "Very well, Auron. For what it's worth, I will spare your Summoner and your...love interest. But you will never mention the name of either again. You will obey me in all things, without question and without hesitation." Auron only nodded. The priestess turned fully toward him and hauled the man roughly to his feet with a strength I had not thought possible. "You will love me, as you should have all those years ago." That damned four-letter word again...Legasa placed his limp arms around her shoulders, took his head in her delicate hands, and kissed him again.

I could endure no more. Auron may have given his word to this horrible woman, but I had not. I was too absorbed in my own compounding rage and grief to be conscious of my hand as it reached into my pack to retrieve a little-used weapon. My katar. My fingers curled around the metal that would lay across my palm and the guide bars took up their places on either side of my wrist. Slowly, I withdrew the blade from its battered scabbard. I became aware of myself trying frantically to steady the weapon, with its unfamiliar balance point.

She would torment him no more. He'd given his word in good faith and deserved better than this from her. Agreeing to help her accomplish a goal was one thing, but submitting himself to this kind of treatment for...Yevon knows how long! Any amount of time was too long. I could not see Auron reduced to the tool of a vindictive, possessive woman like Legasa. The price was simply too high. Someone needed to save him, to spare him the agony that awaited him...the agony he must have known about when he made his choice to give up his freedom.

I lunged forward and pushed the armor piercing tip of the weapon into her back. My failures, my fears, my frustration, at myself, at Auron, at Yuna...they all rode on that blade, they all propelled it forward. It met only with some initial resistance and then slid into the priestess as though into its own sheath. As soon as the blade had buried its entire length in the woman, and her blood flowed onto my knuckles, I withdrew the weapon easily. She gasped, fell back, and called Auron's name with her final breath. Where a maelstrom of emotion had existed within me mere seconds before, there was only an empty space. That single strike was a catharsis I could have never achieved otherwise. But I did not feel relieved, I did not feel better. I did not feel at all.

He didn't move, but stood there and watched her die. I had acted from instinct, doing the only thing I could have done to protect Auron from his fate. But now the reality of my actions dawned on me...I'd murdered Legasa. Auron's life was never in danger...it couldn't be, he was already dead. I fell to my knees, convulsing uncontrollably.

Auron stepped forward, over the fallen priestess, and fixed his gaze on me. "That was unnecessary."

"Auron! How can you say that? She...she took such joy in taunting you. And that was just the least of it. You weren't a person to her Auron, you were a toy, an automaton. She took...everything from you. How long would you have allowed it to go on, forever? She'd keep you from your pilgrimage, your Sending, everything!" How could he not understand? His words made me think. Had I really struck out at her to prevent Auron's suffering, or my own?

"She was no saint, but neither did she deserve to die, Rikku." His tone was cold, distant, full of condemnation. This was not what I needed from him right now. He was supposed to be comforting me, thanking me for freeing him from that awful promise Legasa had extracted from him...but he didn't. He treated me like a criminal, as though I had no justification for my actions.

"Who made you the authority, Auron? I don't regret killing her, and I'd do it all over again given the chance! I did it...for you." The guardian turned his back to me.

"Then you're no better than she was. She may have manipulated people, but she never killed anyone. You speak of authority, Rikku...who gave you the authority to judge her unworthy of living?" He began to walk away from me. I should have known life and death was going to be a touchy subject for Auron. By his own confession, he'd lost his own before he really knew how precious it was. Was he really angry at me for killing her, or at the waste of life?

"We need to catch up with the others before the sentences are carried out. We'll deal with this more fully when we've the time." With that, he collected his collar and glasses, and departed in the direction the monks had taken our comrades.

Even Auron admitted it wasn't over. What more was there to say to me? I tried frantically to push thoughts of Auron from my mind. He was absolutely right. There was no time to deal with this now, not with Yuna's and the others' fates still in the air. I scrambled to cover the distance his long, purposeful strides had opened between us, wishing there were a way to close the other distance that surely lay between us. The silence was maddening. I liked it better when he yelled at me...at least then I wouldn't have to wonder what was going through his mind.

When I caught up to him, I asked, "Where do you think they've been taken?"

Auron only grunted at first, and increased the pace of his strides a bit to try to shake me. When it was clear that I wasn't going to drop off, he finally answered. "They will likely be in a holding cell near the entrance to the Via Purifico. It is close to the site where both executions and purifications are carried out. No doubt they will be under heavy guard. It will be a good chance for you to work off the rest of your murderous rage."

"You mean we're going to break them out? Won't that attract the attention of the entire garrison?" Was Auron really this obtuse, or did he have a plan?

"I have an...exit in mind. One which they surely won't dare to follow us through." I got the impression he didn't want to say any more. "And, Rikku?" He looked directly at me for the first time since we left Legasa's body, though he maintained his brisk pace.

"Yeah?" I was afraid to hear what would come next. No doubt another harsh condemnation of my actions.

I was right. "Don't do anything stupid. This will require the efforts of both of us to pull off. If I need 'saving' I will be sure to let you know." Ouch! Maybe I should have left Auron with Legasa after all...if he was going to be like this. No, how could I think that? Auron, even in this state was better than Auron's absence.

Auron said nothing more in the time it took us to reach the holding cell he'd mentioned. The swordsman stopped short of turning the last corner that would bring the cell into full view and instructed me to give him an assessment of the situation. I peered around the corner cautiously.

Auron had been correct. No less than two score warrior monks, all bearing rifles, were positioned around the holding cell. I passed the information onto Auron. "Do you have any of those flash grenades left?"

I shook my head. "They took the rest of my ready-made explosives when we were captured."

"But you still have raw materials?"

"The odd potion or two, some remnants of fiends I kept as souvenirs...Hey! I might be able to whip up something from these." I searched frantically through the bits of debris I'd collected. I might not have any flash grenades left, but if I took the sphere I'd retrieved from the field after a particularly nasty battle with a lightning fiend and combined it with one of these...My hands worked swiftly to weave the two objects together. I was sure the resulting product would be relatively stable, until it impacted something when thrown. I showed the device to Auron.

"What do you think it will do?" he asked.

"Hmm...it should make a really bright flash, like the grenade did, but there will also be quite a bit of noise, too. Between the two, it should stun them long enough for us to retrieve the key, free the others, and make whatever exit you have planned...if we know what we're doing." It must have been the first time Auron asked my advice about anything.

He unsheathed his sword, fell easily into a battle stance, and motioned for me to throw the makeshift grenade. I warned him to close his eyes and cover his ears before I hurled it at the formation of warrior monks, then ducked behind the corner and prepared for the impact. The device did as promised, delivering a searing burst of light and a loud concussion. Though dazed ourselves, we recovered quickly enough to take in the various convulsing and unconscious forms of the warrior monks before the cell.

We had little trouble finding the key and unlocking the cell. The monks would be out for quite some time, but we had overlooked one very important problem with our plan. Our comrades had not been warned about the grenade, and had fallen victim to its effects as well. Luckily, they had been further back from the explosion than most of the warrior monks. Auron stood guard and made sure none of the monks regained consciousness, while I made my rounds of the party trying to shake the others awake. I tried Yuna first, meeting with success only when I grabbed my cousin roughly by the shoulders and shook her vigorously.

It took some minutes to get the others to come around, but I was able to awaken them all. We couldn't afford to give them much time to rest here, and Auron was already helping Yuna out of the cell and toward a large pit to the right of the area. One by one, we moved the other guardians over to the same place, and descended into the darkness. Progress was slow, but we eventually came to a rocky corridor where the passage dipped below the waterline.

"What is this place?" I asked Auron.

"I think it's best if you don't know. You might lose your nerve." With that, he walked away.

We were finally far enough from the Palace proper to take a few minutes to administer potions to the other members of the party. The Al Bhed potions I had brought from Father's airship worked quickly to take away the last effects of the makeshift flash grenade. From here, Auron told us, we would have to swim the rest of the way. He didn't look happy about it either, but he clearly wanted to get it over with.

We went into the water in pairs, with a strong swimmer accompanying a weaker one. Tidus flew to Yuna's side before I could get there. I wanted to be the one to guide my cousin through the dark, winding, watery passage, but I didn't have the heart to pry her away from Tidus. Although they might not want to admit it, the two were beginning to become close. I wondered if Auron and I had been that obvious early on...Speaking of Auron, I was stuck with him since Wakka claimed Lulu and Yuna was accompanied by Tidus. Kimahri insisted that he could make it without help.

The water wasn't really that cold once we'd been in for a time, and we fell into a kind of pattern. Each pair took a turn leading the way, scouting ahead for air pockets where we could rest our aching lungs and take in fresh air for the next segment of our journey. I don't recall how many such stops we made, but I was grateful for each. All those deep water salvage missions were definately an asset in navigating these dark caves. During each brief rest, I was able to recover almost fully, though Auron fared nowhere near as well. Each time we surfaced, he appeared visibly weaker, gasping for air. He was tiring too quickly, and we had no way of knowing how much father we had to go before reaching the outside.

Auron was increasingly relying on me to pull some of his weight along, and and doing so began to sap my own strength. The guardian was large and heavy, even taking into account the buoyancy of the water. Hadn't he ever done any swimming? We entered a large, open chamber, and floated to the top, hoping the surface of the water would be well below the ceiling of the large cave. Luckily, there was a sizable air pocket present, and we stopped to catch our breaths. Before we could completely recover from the last leg of the swim, waves began to appear in the water. Something very large and waterborne was heading in our direction. I submerged with Auron to see what it could be.

A long, scaly figure rushed into the room through the mouth of a cave on the far side. A serpent? No...a dragon, but not one like I'd ever seen before. Its eyes were glazed over and its scales were pale and dull looking. It could only be undead. I reached for my weapon with one hand, and maintained my grip on Auron with the other. The others had seen the beast arrive and were preparing for battle. The dragon got in the first strike, by virtue of its momentum and delivered a devastating blow to Kimahri with its tail.

Tidus was motioning frantically to Yuna, urging her to do something, but I wasn't sure what that could be. Yuna was having the same problem and Tidus kept repeating the gesture, trying to get her to understand. Beside me, Auron suddenly ceased treading water. His body went completely limp and began to sink, dragging me with him. I sheathed my weapon, put both arms around him and kicked as hard as I could, trying to keep us close to the group. The dragon must have sensed what was happening and swung around to face us.

Wakka hurled his blitzball at the back of the creature's head, successfully distracting it. The redhead gestured in the direction of the cave the dragon had used as an entrance, and I dragged Auron toward it. The exit was on the bottom of the chamber, so I allowed Auron's weight to bring us both down to the proper level, then I took up kicking again and propelled us forward. My lungs began to burn as I reached the end of my oxygen supply, and a good portion of the cave still lay in front of us.

I ignored the sensation and swam on as best I could manage, finally clearing the cave, and emerging into an illuminated body of water. We must be outside! With the last of my strength, I brought us to the closest shore, and dragged Auron out of the water. I sucked in the fresh air, trying to resupply my oxygen-starved blood. Auron wasn't breathing. I hauled the soaking, red-clad guardian to a sitting position as quickly as I could and swatted him on the back. He leaned forward, coughed, and began to spit out the water in his lungs. I relaxed a bit when he coughed up the last of the water and was breathing steadily, if shallowly again.

Behind us, the others emerged from the water and collapsed on the shore. I was relieved to see them alive and victorious. I'd felt bad about leaving in the middle of the battle, but I don't know what else I could have done. I went over to check on Yuna and then began to help the others set up camp. Auron disappeared into his tent as soon as it was ready, without so much as a word to anyone else. I remained outside, helping with the various camp chores until there was nothing left to be done, then sought my own tent for the night.


	20. Respite

Chapter 20

The moment I entered my tent, I knew I shouldn't be alone. Not now, not after all that had happened. I was exhausted, but didn't want to sleep. I craved company, anyone's company, although I knew the person I most wanted to be with would be far from overjoyed to see me. It's probably for the best, I reflected. How much of what had happened back in Bevelle stemmed from my inability to keep my mind off Auron and on Yunie. It had been so simple before Auron. Safeguard Yuna, keep her out of danger, and when the moment comes, convince her to quit the pilgrimage. Only it hadn't yet worked out that way. Maybe now was the time to try. I wasn't sure if I'd get another chance.

I turned around, let my tent, and dragged my waterlogged body toward the shelter where I hoped to encounter my cousin. Being wet didn't much bother me, I usually didn't change until long after I was out of the water. Usually whatever machina or other ancient treasures we recovered on our salvage missions were the sole recipients of my attention for some hours after surfacing. At least I still had my own clothing on underneath, and I peeled off the drenched robe, tossing it into the forest. My own, more minimal outfit was wet, though nowhere near as heavy as the robe had been. I felt more myself again, but far from composed.

I peeked into Yunie's tent, only half surprised to find it empty. Where could she be? I was sure none of the others had allowed her leave the camp unescorted, but I still felt guilty at not knowing the location of my charge. When I turned back to face the center of the camp, Lulu was busy arranging kindling and sticks for a fire. Would that be wise? Would the Yevonites know to look for us here?

I walked over to where Lulu knelt, and began helping her pile on more of the wood she had gathered. "Have you seen Yunie?"

Lulu didn't look up from the flint she tried to strike against a piece of steel. "She went off toward the other lake down the path."

"Didn't anyone go with her?" I asked, alarmed.

"Tidus followed her. I think they want to be…alone for a while." Tidus' presence would probably be enough to keep her safe from any of the forest's more dangerous denizens. We were a good bit more experienced than we had been the first time we traveled these woods…we knew our way around and what we could expect to find. I wondered what the two of them were doing together. Probably unwinding and sharing one of the few private moments they could steal for themselves. I was instantly jealous of them. I wanted to be doing the same, with Auron. I couldn't begrudge my cousin and the blitzballer their time together…they'd certainly earned it.

Lulu had succeeded in producing a spark and was working on fanning it into a flame. She looked as though she wouldn't need any further help in getting the fire going, and having nothing else to say, I got up and wandered around a bit more.

The weather really was too nice to just go back inside and sulk, like Auron was doing. Fingers of sunlight shone through the mix of crystalline branches and leafy canopy above our campsite. Muted reflections played off both the water and the pellucid facets of the ground cover. The invasion of more conventional plantlife served to soften the overall effect, lulling me into believing I roamed somekind of dreamscape. I found myself appreciating the romantic appeal of being alone with the person you loved in such a place. I sighed.

A patch of flowers by the lakeside caught my attention. Myriad colors were represented among the blossoms and I knelt down to take a closer look. It seemed silly, but just looking at them brightened my mood a bit. I reached toward the plants hesitantly, and broke off some of the stems as close to the ground as I could manage. Gathering the long stems in my hands, I brought the bouquet to my nose and inhaled deeply. How long had it been since I'd enjoyed something so trivial? The pilgrimage seemed to pull everyone back from the details of life, forcing a perspective that few people saw the world through. It was definately good to escape from it every once in a while, so long as I didn't lose track of my goals and my duty.

Did that thought really just pass through my mind? I stood up, and in my bewilderment, blinked rapidly...The Rikku I had been mere weeks ago wouldn't have thought such a thing. It must be an artifact of too much time spent around Auron. His habits were beginning to rub off on me. Despite the decided lack of a breeze, a small shiver traveled through my body. I...I had no desire to transform into the kind of being Auron was. He...I...sure, I loved him, more than that, we shared something deep and meaningful...but the pilgrimage(s) had taken a terrible toll on the man. Would this be what I would be like at journey's end? No mention was ever made of guardians who survived the pilgrimage...there was no record of how the arduous ordeal had changed them. For all I knew what we would face in Zanarkand could easily do the same to me.

Don't worry about that, Rikku...Live for the moment. I made a valiant effort to do what had been second nature before beginning the journey. I smelled the flowers again and resolved to forget my obligations for another day, unless something came up. The atmosphere was just too perfect, the day too short to be whittled away by worries and apprehension. Who knew if or when we would have another opportunity like this. The only thing missing element was Auron. It wouldn't hurt to try to share this with him...would it? The worst he could do is refuse to come out of that damnable tent he'd holed himself up in.

I walked quickly over to the tent he'd disappeared into as soon as it was erected. Without bothering to announce myself, I pulled back the flap and entered. Auron's waterlogged figure was seated with his back to me, still wearing the same wet clothing he'd had on last time I saw him. Surely the guardian knew better than that. Knowing Auron, the man was probably brooding about something...He didn't acknowledge my presence.

"Auron, what are you doing?" I asked.

He remained perfectly still, not bothering to turn and look at me. "I'm...thinking..."

In my mind, I debated whether or not to approach him any further. He certainly wasn't showing much interest in me at the moment. Perhaps, if he knew what he was missing..."Auron, it's too pretty outside to sit in here all day long. Let's go outside and take advantage of the weather..."

Again, the response was minimal and emotionless. "I'm fine right here."

The guardian was determined to stay here...why? Well, the least he could do was...

"Fine. If you're going to sit there like a lump all day, then the least you can do is get out of that wet clothing." More annoyance showed than I had intended. I didn't wait for him to answer. It would be harder for him to refuse if I was already in the process of undressing him.

I took the two steps to close the rest of the distance between us, squatted, and reached my arms around his waist to unbuckle his belt. I finished the task more quickly than I'd anticipated, and I removed the belt as carefully as I could. Auron's robe fell open and I pulled off the entire left side, got up, rounded him, and began to work on freeing the more secure right side. He didn't resist as I lifted his limp right hand and stripped it of the leather glove. It required the utmost care to undo the buckles that held his sleeve in place without damaging the leather straps. Tugging on the sleeve, I pulled the robe completely off of Auron's still motionless body. I slung the wet garment over my shoulder, to spread out on one of the frames I had seen Lulu constructing near the fire.

Without asking, I slipped my hands over his muscular shoulders and unfastened the high collar, bringing it over his head in one smooth motion. Normally, there would have been somekind of reaction from the guardian, but he remained pensive, almost to the point of catatonia. I left his glasses in place, for fear that removing them would trigger a angry reaction. Besides, they weren't wet, or in the way. Auron's leather shirt was as saturated as his outer robe had been, and made a decidedly ungraceful slurping sound as I pulled it away from his chisled chest and over his head.

Wordlessly, I left the tent to arrange the clothing on one of the racks next to the fire. When I returned, Auron was exactly as I'd left him. Odd. What could be bothering him this much? I couldn't hold back any longer. I had to know.

"Auron?"

"You're back?" He treated me as though I were a total stranger.

Although I knew I probably shouldn't, I approached him again, sat down behind him, and wrapped my arms around his neck. I slid my chin over his shoulder and spoke softly into his ear. "Auron...what's wrong?"

For the first time since exiting the water, Auron's deep voice included a hint of emotion. Shock? Surprise? It was hard to tell. "Rikku...I...never thought you capable of killing a woman in cold blood..."

I withdrew my arms from their position around his neck, stood up, and went over to where he'd lain his own pack. Distractedly, I rummaged around in it, hoping to buy myself some time, to find some answer to his accusation. The only object of note my desperate hands found was a small comb, which I clutched tightly as I returned to where Auron sat. "Do we have to talk about this now?"

"This is a discussion we need to have, Rikku," he explained.

I reached one hand up to the tie that held Auron's ponytail in place, gently sliding it out of his wet hair. A tangled mass of dripping raven hair fell freely over his bare shoulders and back. He shuddered slightly as the cool strands came to rest against the surface of his skin.

"I didn't kill her in cold blood, Auron. The only thing I could think of was what she was doing to you. It wasn't what you wanted, Auron, but I knew you wouldn't break your word to her. She was preventing you from keeping the more important promises you made, the older ones to Jecht and Braska. No person, man or woman, has the right to wield that kind of power over you." My voice came out in a strained, hoarse whisper. In my mind, I relived the horror of those moments in slow motion. It was only a partial truth, but surely Auron would understand the unspoken portion.

I drew the comb through his hair, slowly at first, tugging gently when I encountered one of the countless knots. Auron tilted his head back slightly to facilitate the process. At least he was beginning to thaw a bit. "That feels good...don't stop." Why wasn't he responding to anything I'd just said? Did he sense there was more?

I did as he requested, both verbally and implicitly. "Auron...I felt so helpless, so useless to you and to Yuna. After losing Yunie, I didn't know if I could go on. But you...not only did you continue on, but you never complained, you never wavered, even though you gave far more than the rest of us...

"For as long as I've known you...time after time, you sacrificed yourself to prevent someone else from being injured physically or emotionally, no matter what it cost you. I admired that, Auron, I desperately wanted to learn how you did it. It's...well, to me anyway, it's the mark of a dedicated guardian.

"I know what I did to Legasa wasn't right, or noble. But...what else could I do? I lost Yuna, and I was going to lose you...my only chance of rescuing her. I've fought and killed lots of fiends, but killing a living, breathing person...it was different. It felt horrible. I never want to go through that again...I knew you would be angry with me, but it was the only way out. I remembered what you told me that morning...that you'd love me always, no matter what happened...I grasped onto that, held it in my mind and my soul with a death grip...and I struck her."

I took a deep breath and willed the tears welling in my eyes not to fall. Unconsciously, I increased the force with which I pulled the comb through Auron's hair to the point where he gasped in pain as it caught on a snarl. One of his hands gently reached behind his head and gently dislodged the comb and my own hand from his hair. His rough, calloused fingers encircled my wrist and brought it to his lips. The single russet eye closed as he kissed the back of my hand.

Threading my free arm underneath his, I wrapped it around his bare chest and leaned forward to lay my head on his shoulder. He lowered my wrist and released it, turning his head toward mine. A stubbled cheek scratched against the soft skin of my face as he nuzzled me. Even though his voice was only a soft whisper, I was able to pick up the vibrations in his chest. "I apologize for the things I said to you in the Palace...I...overreacted." It must not have been an easy admission to make. Auron was used to being in complete control of himself at all times. Try as I might, I couldn't find anything to say to him in response, so I answered him by kissing his cheek.

Auron shifted his weight to allow him to move his legs from underneath him, stretched them out, and spread them. He took the comb from my hand. "Sit in front of me?" he asked.

Regretfully, I withdrew my arm from its place on his chest, instantly missing the warmth of his smooth skin. I moved as quickly as I could and settled myself against him, leaning back against his substantial frame. His arms enclosed me, and once again I was enveloped in the warmth and safety of his body. It was a place I yearned never to leave. After some minutes, he released his embrace.

I felt him pull out the band that held my own hair up and off my shoulders. He gathered most of it in one hand, and began drawing the comb through it with the other. Various abdominal muscles flexed beneath me as he leaned back and reached for something. I couldn't see what it was he had in his hand, but he must have set it down closer to him because both of his hands were in my hair again. A few more strokes of the comb, and he set that down as well. He divided my hair into three parts and began to braid it, stopping occasionally to reach over to his right side and weave something into the pattern.

"Auron, what are doing?"

"Don't squirm. You brought those flowers with you and I was curious to see how they would look braided into your hair, " he said, shrugging.

I smiled and cooperated with him. A few seconds later, he had finished and was tying the band around the bottom of the braid. His hands fell to my shoulders and pulled me flush against him. "Do you still want to go outside? Take a walk in the forest, maybe?"

"In a few minutes..." I replied.

I leaned forward out of his grasp momentarily, turned to face him, and sat on my knees. A bewildered look crossed his face for a fraction of a second, until he realized what I was doing. As soon as I was settled, he wrapped his arms about my waist and gentle smile spread over his features, making the frown lines appear less severe. I reached one hand toward his glasses, touching them only tenatively at first, asking for permission to remove them. Auron nodded, almost imperceptibly, I slid the dark sunglassess off and folded them, setting them on the ground beside us.

I placed both of my hands on the back of his head, pulled it gently to me, and kissed him deeply. I wasn't quite sure how long it lasted, but afterward, we were both gasping for breath. "Auron?"

"Yeah?"

"I know I've said it before...I love you. But it's more than that. I...I...don't know quite how to say it," a nervous laugh escaped me. "It's funny, I knew exactly how to describe it when I was in danger of losing it...But you're...everything to me, Auron."

He closed his eye and kissed my forehead. "I know exactly what you mean...and how you feel. It's been a long time since I've gotten this close to anyone...But I'm glad I did. There was something missing for too many years." The last thing I ever expected to hear from Auron...

His grip on me tightened, though it was not painful, and he stood, bringing me with him. One arm remained around my waist as we strode out of the tent, side by side. No one else was in the camp, at least not that we could see. We walked off into the woods, searching for a place where we could enjoy the rest of our day alone together.


	21. Rebirth and Reconsideration

Chapter 21

A strange sensation tugged at the very edges of my awareness that afternoon. Spending time with Rikku dredged up something I thought for sure I'd never feel again. I should have been surprised. But this pilgrimage seemed to be full of such occurrences. Everytime I began to feel myself settle into the routine of a guardian accompanying his summoner on her life's final journey, I was reminded that there could be no routine. Not much catches me unawares these days, but my first taste of happiness amid a decade of pained reflection and cold comfort certainly did.

For once, the weight of the pilgrimage receded into the background without the accompaying guilt I'd expected to wash over me. A few hours' vacation seemed appropriate after the events of the recent days. Guardians and summoner alike were ragged with the wear of so many close calls in so brief a time. My thoughts and attention focused completely on the harbinger of my newfound contentment, except for a single, brief slip. I couldn't avoid wondering what Tidus and Yuna were doing with their time. I felt an amused smile spread across my face, one of the few I can recall in this second pilgrimage, at the realization that the summoner and blitzballer must be basking in the same kind of quiet, pleasant togtherness I shared with Rikku.

I swear, to an observer I must have seemed indistinguishable from a teenager in the clutches of his first love. If Rikku noticed, she didn't mock me for it. Indeed, she was that very teenager. For the first time since meeting the Al Bhed and discovering my feelings for her, I released myself without reserve to the pleasant rawness of emotion that was the hallmark of new love. In the presence of anyone else, I would have been utterly unable to experience anything other than my habitual jaded detachment and ceaseless dedication to duty. She must have known me more deeply than I'd imagined, for her actions were the perfect complement to everything I thought or felt.

We exchanged precious few words during our walk in the woods and I found myself beginning to regret that every step we took must bring us undeniably closer to the end of our quiet, fleeting elysium. There might not ever be another escape like this, I reflected, best to enjoy it without the too much conscious thought. No concern showed on Rikku's features, and like myself, she seemed oblivious to her surroundings - the delicate, dangerous beauty of the forest to focus her attention on her companion.

A reassuring warmth emanated from her actions, her visage, and her body. Though not ordinarily given to sentimentality, I found myself indulging unconsciously. This past decade, the long, torturous run of years, had seen my being pledged to the service of my former companions...fulfilling promises made as they saw and breathed their last. My continued existence was but a means to an end, the ends, I knew, of my comrades. Somewhere along the way, the possibility of my being anything other than a means had been extinguished from my awareness. Until now, until Rikku. Her tireless attempts to break through my facade, to reach what she must have believed was genuinely me, had paid off.

I fought it at first, struggling against the reunion with the parts of myself I'd long ago divorced from the man I currently represented. Rikku's efforts and attention were the catalysts that allowed me to finally see that my failure as a guardian all those years ago didn't necessarily mean that I didn't ever deserve anything for myself again. Her relentless pursuit of me, her shocking openness with her own feelings had shamed and concerned me at the outset, although I grew to understand her intentions. In observing her, I was able to see exactly what I had denied myself, and I craved the ability to reclaim what I'd lost. Rikku demonstrated that I was worthy of being the object of another person's interest and activities, rather than just a mere tool. It was a simple fact I'd ignored for too long, and one I reveled in rediscovering. The hollow, distant respect accorded me by strangers was but a shadow compared to the personal, intimate acceptance I received from Rikku.

I mourned the end of our walk as the sun began to dip below the horizon. It wasn't prudent to be out in the woods, just the two of us, after dusk. Neither of us was in a state of preparedness for combat and our continued presence in the depths of the forest only tempted fate. Each step that brought us closer to camp saw the love-struck teenager in me recede just a bit in favor of the staunchly rational elder guardian. Carefully, I wrapped the love-struck teenage aspect of myself in a cocoon of memories I would cherish until the end of my existence and tucked him away in a safe corner of my head until I could afford to let him dominate my awareness again. I fervently hoped that another such opportunity would present itself. I permitted myself one last wistful sigh before completely resuming the role the others were most accustomed to seeing. Rikku's face displayed disappointment for a fraction of a second before she, too, understood that what we'd shared must be set aside for more practical concerns.

The glow of the camp's central fire was visible through the last layer of crystalline and verdant brush, and behind me, Rikku's footsteps ceased abruptly. She tugged on the hand she'd held most of the way back, compelling me to choose between dragging her foward and stopping as well. Ultimately, I opted to stop, rotating to face her. A wry smile dominated her countenance as she continued to pull me toward her. She was clearly planning something, so I offered no resistance as she carried out her wishes. Reaching up, she gently grasped my head in her petite hands and drew it to her own. I knelt in the soft ground at my feet in order to better accomodate her. She regarded me for a moment, tilting her head a bit to the right before leaning forward to kiss my forehead. Her soft lips continued to graze the surface of my face, traveling along the path of the scar that dominated its right half. When her mouth reached the end of the decade-old wound, her hands gently adjusted the position of my head so that her lips met mine. She deepened the kiss as far as she dared and pulled back at the sound of footsteps orginating in the direction of camp. I loathed breaking contact with her, but I had to in order to rise and face our visitor.

Yuna's footsteps halted immediately when I looked at her. The shadows of the forest must have obscured my form just enough to keep her from guessing my exact identity until I stood and faced her. Despite our quick reflexes and hurried movements, the summoner must have seen us kissing. Her shock was apparent on her face. Would she have been any less startled had I been Wakka? She shook her head slightly, and her eyes narrowed a bit.

"Sir Auron!" Her tone didn't betray any hint of anger or disapproval, although she was most definately curious as to how I would explain what she was trying desperately not to believe.

"Yuna," I said simply. I watched, taking care not to let my own amusement show on my face as she visibly struggled over whether or not to question us about what she had seen.

The summoner's cheeks took on a crimson hue. "I...I have been looking for you. No one knew where to find you. I hope I didn't interrupt...your...um...anything!" The statement began only slightly tinged with embarrassment and rose in a crescendo of confusion until she blurted out the last word.

I didn't have to glance behind me to know that Rikku was smirking sheepishly as well. Suppressing the urge to chuckle at the insecurity Yuna must be feeling, I tried to remain casual and only shrugged my shoulders. "It was only a matter of time before everyone found out. Secrets are hard to keep in such close quarters."

Yuna nodded rapidly in both relief and understanding. "Forgive me for intruding, but I was wondering if I might speak with you alone, Sir Auron." She'd seemed to accept my involvement with Rikku at first, had she changed her mind now?

"Of course, " I answered. Glancing over my shoulder at the Al Bhed, I offered the gentlest dismissal possible, "Rikku, I'll come by when I'm done speaking with Yuna." Thankfully, Rikku understood that the conversation was not meant to include her, and nodded before departing in the direction of camp.

When the Al Bhed was out of earshot, I asked, "Did you have a particular place in mind?"

Yuna gestured toward the camp. "I think my tent is probably the most privacy we can safely hope for." Whatever she wished to discuss, it was obviously of the utmost importance to her. Her face was drawn in concern and she looked a bit older than her seventeen years. Every feature of her face betrayed her uneasiness. What could be the source of her worry?

Without further comment or question, we walked into the camp and toward the tent she had claimed. I held the flap open, gesturing for her to enter first. After she was inside, I followed. Yuna's hands fidgeted with her skirt and she paced nervously before I suggested that she take a seat. After she had done so, I positioned myself on the ground, facing her. The summoner made a commendable effort to control her hands, although her eyes darted around the tent, gazing anywhere but at me.

When no beginning to the conversation was forthcoming, I attempted to provide an opening. "What is on your mind?"

Yuna glanced downward and slowly lifted her eyes to meet mine. She drew a deep breath, exhaled slowly, and bit her bottom lip. "There is...something...I would like to ask your advice about."

I prevented myself from showing any signs of relief, doing so would have been completely inappropriate. Still, I did feel a bit better knowing that she wasn't going to discuss Rikku with me. I endeavored to appear supportive and understanding although it was becoming more and more obvious that I was one of the sources of her apprehension. Yuna must have believed that what she was going to ask was something she knew I wouldn't approve of. Reaching forward, I took one of her hands, clasped it in both of mine and smiled reassuringly. "What is it you'd like to ask?"

It had been a while since Yuna had sought advice from me. The progression of the pilgrimage had seen a profound change in the teenager, from a wide-eyed girl just discovering the rest of the world, to a determined woman who found a bit more of herself with every passing day. She was coming into Braska's solid resolve, she possessed his patience and gentle, easygoing nature, yet she was still her own person. It was highly unusual for her to be so disconcerted. In front of me sat the deferential young summoner I'd first encountered in Luca, instead of the stubborn, independent and strong-willed woman that had emerged in her place. Somewhere within me, it was gratifying to know she felt she could still rely on my experience to guide her when circumstances became difficult.

She took another deep breath and her hand began to tremble. "Sir Auron, you were very close to my father...one of his most trusted friends and guardians. If he were here, would he be disappointed in me if I considered quitting the pilgrimage?"

Just as quickly as my confidence had swelled, it deflated. Yuna hadn't asked me here for my perspective or knowledge, she had hoped to take advantage of my relationship with her father to gain insight into his opinion. It stung...but still, could I really blame her? She'd been deprived of her father at an age where most children could not appreciate the finality of death, and she had never really known her mother. I was...the closest she could get to Braska...

Even ten years after Braska's sacrifice, the wounds left by his departure were still fresh and ragged in my mind and soul, fated never to heal. What would you say, Yuna, if you knew I could have saved him...could have prevented his needless death? Would you ever forgive me for making so grave a mistake? Digging deep within myself, I mustered every last ounce of self-control I could dredge up. It was my duty to be strong for her, now, not withdraw into my own sorrow.

I considered my words carefully. I must not nudge her toward either course, it's presumptuous to think that I deserved a role in such a choice. A decade ago, I'd tried to interfere in a summoner's, in Braska's, decision in how to expend his life. It was a mistake that haunted me still, both for failing to change his mind, and for daring to second-guess my Lord's decision. "Braska would have wanted you to choose your own path in life. Whether or not it included completing the pilgrimage, he would have supported you in anything you chose to do. He would also have wanted you to understand his motives for making the decision he made, his reasons for choosing to face Sin..."

A bemused expression formed on her face. She absorbed my words, weighing them against her own memories and impressions of her father, against the legends and tales of him, against the bits and pieces of information she had gotten from me in the past. Seeing that look on her face...I wanted nothing more than to exchange fates with Braska so that it could have been him here counseling his own daughter instead of me...She deserved better. Wishing wouldn't bring Braska back, as much as both of us desired it. At least when Braska made the decision to confront and defeat Sin, he had been older, more wordly than his daughter. To have such a determination forced on her at so young an age...just another of the tragic truths of Spira's convoluted existence.

"What do you think I should do, Sir Auron?" The question I dreaded most. Yuna...don't do this to me, please!

"It's not my place to say. I cannot, in good conscience, push you to continue a pilgrimage you do not desire to complete. I..." No, I shouldn't say that.

"You don't want to say it, but I can tell. You want me to defeat Sin. It's...very important to you. You'd do it yourself if you could, wouldn't you?" Was I really that easy to read...first Rikku and now Yuna?

I didn't answer her. What could I say without confirming her suspicions? I inhaled slowly, desperately searching for something appropriately vague to say. As much as she deserved a straight answer, I could not bring myself to give it. "You will understand if you go to Zanarkand..."

She withdrew her hand from my grasp, and sat motionless. Her gaze was as hollow as her voice. "What will I find there?"

I shook my head. "That I cannot tell you. You must see for yourself. It is the only way." The words were far colder than I'd intended, bitterness creeping into my voice. There had been no worldly, experienced guide on my first pilgrimage. We learned the hard way, Jecht, Braska and I...why should it be any different for Braska's daughter? No...that's not the reason. The truth was simply too much to try to convey in words, she would never believe me. She must see it with her own eyes, as Braska did, as I did, in order to comprehend the magnitude of the ghastly truths that dwelt in Zanarkand's ruins...truths essential to understanding the world Zanarkand had ceased to be a part of a millenium ago.

Yuna was torn. My words had hurt her, caused her to doubt herself even more. She saw the effect the mention of the city had on me. She knew that the pilgrimage truly started in Zanarkand, instead of ending there. True, it was the last stop on the physical journey of a summoner and her guardians, but it was only the launch site for the battle of mind, will, and soul that a summoner would undergo in order to obtain the Final Aeon from Yunalesca.

"Why do you withhold knowledge? What you know could help me decide...was it my father's wish?" She was flailing verbally, searching for anything to explain my constant reticence, both now and throughout her pilgrimage.

It was not an easy question to answer. "The things I learned in Zanarkand, the first time...I would not have believed them if you had told me. There are some things you can only learn to accept when you witness them firsthand." My right hand absently covered the right side of my face in shame...even when faced with the truth, I couldn't accept it the first time through. I hoped that Yuna would be strong, as her father had been, ready to accept what Yunalesca would tell her. There was nothing I could do to prepare her, and knowing it was out of my hands scared me more than anything had in a long time.

Yuna pulled my hand away from my face, and for the first time since we started talking, held my gaze. She nodded resolutely. "It is settled. I will go to Zanarkand, as you say, see for myself. And then, once I know, I will make my decision about the Final Aeon. Thank you, Sir Auron, for your help." Don't you mean, thank you for nothing? She would never have said it, but it is exactly what I gave her, and all I could give her anymore, outside of protecting her from physical harm. Why was it that Zanarkand always made me feel ineffectual?


	22. The Road to Hell...

Chapter 22

Auron never returned that night, marking the first, and only, occassion I can recall in which the man failed to keep a promise. Whatever it was that Yuna required him for must have been of the utmost importance, or else he would have joined me by now. A gnarled knot of emotion grew inside my gut as I tried to discern the meaning of this development. Many of the feelings I harbored were variations of resentment and jealousy that there had been no invitation for me to join them. It occurred to me that Auron was the eldest, wisest, and most experienced of our number, the unofficial leader of Yuna's guardians, and depending on the time and place, arguably the leader of the entire pilgrimage. Of course, if she was in the mood to solicit advice from anyone, he was the natural choice.

It irked me beyond all reason. Rationally, I was cognizant of the fact that I wasn't in competition with Auron, that phase of our relationship had faded into the background long ago. But something within me, something I was powerless to exert any kind of control over, took umbrage with the fact that Yuna had interrupted a very private moment I had shared with the guardian, only to whisk him away and keep him for the night. Had Auron known the emotions that coursed through me at this moment, he would have surely chided me for my foolishness and immaturity. He was executing his duty as a guardian, and when we became involved, I was fully aware that his (and my own) duty must, of necessity, always come first. To compromise this order of things was to cease to be a guardian and for Auron, I suspected, for him...it would mean to cease being completely. What a terrible fate to bear...witnessing as the thing he'd prided himself on and loved most was turned into the very prison that kept him in Spira.

Despite my feelings for and deep trust in Auron, I found myself incapable of escaping from my present mindset. Though I had precious little evidence to back it up, my intuition suggested that the the reason for Yuna's urgent conversation with Auron must be that she was wavering on the pilgrimage. Auron would, undeniably, impel her in the direction of Zanarkand without a second thought. How else could he serve his purpose? My insides seethed and burned at the thought! I loved Auron, but I could not, under any circumstance allow him to force her toward a sacrifice she might not now be willing to make.

And yet, both of them had made painfully clear to me that my opinion was not being sought in this matter. Who would stand up for the other side...who would prevent Auron from bullying my cousin into making the decision he thought proper? On some subconscious level, I was vaguely aware that my hands were clenched into tight fists, knuckles white with the pressure. By now, my fingernails, short as they were, must be drawing blood from my own palms. I didn't care.

My inner turmoil craved expression and I found myself unable to remain in a seated position. My legs sprang to life under me, and my restlessness exploded into a frenzied pacing of the narrow space inside of the tent. Hunched over, I turned back and forth, chewing up the ground beneath my feet in a few strides in either direction. This wouldn't get me anywhere. I was a wreck, unable to stop obsessing about the conversation Auron must be having with Yuna. In my present state, sleep would be impossible, and inaction intolerable. Though I'm sure I would later regret what I was about to do, I did it anyway.

Nervous energy fueled my frantic, yet nearly silent steps out of my tent and across the camp. Silently, I thanked my training as a thief for the ability to move about relatively unheard or unseen. There was absolutely no reason to involve the rest of the party in the violation of trust and privacy I was about to engage in. My urgent, admittedly sloppy steps did not betray my movement to any of my companions. The darkness of the night almost completely dominated the camp, the dying fire providing a flickering and weak backlight.

I reached my destination, pausing to adjust my position so as to prevent my casting any shadow into the interior of the tent. The low rumble of Auron's voice carried through the thin canvas that separated me from the objects of my interest. So, they were still talking. My hopes of eavesdropping on the conversation were dashed when it became clear that the tent muffled any speaker's words beyond recognition. Come to think of it, I'm sure it's something Auron had intended. If he didn't desire to be overheard, he usually succeeded.

In order to both understand the conversation and to create a way to impact it, I would need to interfere. Auron was going to be furious, there was no way around it, there would be no defense for my actions. The swordsman's wrath was not a phenomenon to be trifled with or trivialized. He would certainly make an exception to his customary distance and coldness for an incursion like this. The fact that he was not normally given to outbursts of temper made me fear his anger even more. I took a deep breath. Auron must not be permitted to intimidate me. Yunie's future was at stake and for her safety I would weather any reaction from Auron.

I pulled back the tent flap and entered the canvas enclosure in a single fluid motion. Luck, it seems, had decided against me this night. Auron's muscular frame was positioned to the right of the entrance, stretched out as much as space would allow. The swordsman was still clad only in his pants and his unbound ebony and silver hair fell freely over his well-defined shoulders and back. Against him lay my cousin, wrapped in his arms, her head tucked securely beneath his stubbled chin. I fought the urge to exhale heavily in relief as I realized the embrace was not romantic, rather, it was only meant to offer comfort to a very young summoner who approached a vital crossroads in her life.

The moment Auron's remaining peripheral vision detected motion, his head turned in my direction, fixing me with a hard stare. There was no recognition of me as his inamorata in the depth of his eye, only outrage at my intrusion and a deadly serious intent to defend his Summoner with any means at his disposal. I broke eye contact with him and instinctively thrust my hands out in front of me, half in a gesture of surrender, although as much in my own defense against attack.

It took Auron a long second to identify me and to infer that I posed no physical threat to him or to Yuna. Still, he did not speak, likely knowing that his silence would unnerve me to the point of explaining myself. How can you always be so calculating, Auron? He didn't finish the point he'd been in the process of making to my cousin when I disturbed them.

"Um...I..." Auron's tactic was having the desired effect. "I really am sorry to disturb you - "

Auron's gruff voice cut me off and he raised one eyebrow as he regarded me with a look bordering on disgust. Now, there was an expression I'd never seen, nor expected to see displayed on that countenance. "Yet you did..." As I'd forseen, my relationship with him wasn't going to spare me from his ire.

The unrelenting coldness radiating from the guardian awakened my defensive instincts and I made a quick verbal riposte. "Yes, I did, Sir Auron. I hoped it would never come to this, but I'll do anything I have to, to keep you from forcing her to go to her death in Zanarkand!"

He didn't respond to my accusation, opting instead to try to end the discussion by asserting his authority. His voice began emotionless as usual, but carried the hint of a rising threat, growing more severe with each syllable, "You are out of line, Guardian."

So he wasn't even going to address me by name, eh? Ok, old man, if this is how you want to play, let's see what happens when you're stripped of your vaunted self-control. "Out of line? Me? What about you? Who the hell empowered you to bully Yunie into killing herself for your own peace of mind...to use her to assuage the guilt and misery of your own failures?" A cheap shot, to be sure, and from the pained expression that contorted his face, perhaps more possessed of veracity than he wanted to admit.

All traces of the thunder were gone from his voice when next he spoke, choking out his words. I half-expected him to release Yuna, and get to his feet to make use of his imposing physical presence to drive home his point. He appeared to consider his options for a moment, and then did gently move the Summoner to a position behind him and stood, placing himself between me and Yuna.

His features still displayed a the combination of profound hurt and raw fury that my last comment had elicited. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I took pleasure in knowing that the stonehearted guardian was still capable of anger. I was never quite sure until I beheld it. I hardened myself against the pity I began to feel creeping into me when I was struck by the full force of his visage. His strong jaw was set stubbornly, indignantly. The lone, liquid eye was filled with grief and betrayal. Every line etched into Auron's face over the last ten lonely years was distressingly apparent. Even the decade old scar over his right eye seemed menacing.

"How dare you?" he hissed, maintaing the distance between us. "You know that's not true. It's not!" The last was more a plea than a statement, as though he tried to convince himself of the truth of his own words.

Yuna was stunned. She'd obviously never seen the man in this state either. The Auron in front of us was not the calm, controlled, rational guardian we'd known in our journey together. In his place, possessing his body was a wounded wild animal. It hurt to see him like this, and my heart nearly tore itself in half deciding whether or not to pursue the argument, or to concede it for Auron's sake. I desired, more than anything, to reach out to him, to take back my words and endeavor to find a different way to prevent Yuna's sacrifice...but I couldn't. Yuna deserved better than for me to leave her fate dependent on the chance we'd think of something in the ever-shrinking time interval before we reached Zanarkand.

Stick up for Yuna or spare Auron? It wasn't really much of a choice. If there was one lesson I learned from Auron in my time as guardian, it was that Yuna must be my first priority. His words to that effect echoed in my mind. How perfectly ironic that in following his advice, I'd be at odds with him. Of course, that probably wasn't how Auron viewed it. In his mind, in his heart, he probably believed that he, too, was fighting for Yuna's best interests. Why hadn't Yuna spoken up and intervened, anyway?

"How dare I?" Rikku, for Yevon's sake, stop parroting the man! Think of something original to say! I wanted to, but the truth of the matter was, repeating his words allowed me some time to think, while still voicing my defiance. "You're the one who's spent the entire pilgrimage doing nothing but forcing her onward. Did you ever stop to ask her, Auron, if this is what she truly wanted? Did you ever consider that your very presence, your Yevon-forsaken legendary guardianship, and the legacy of her father were too much of an honor to refuse?"

Auron considered the possibility that I was right, in horror. I was compelled to feel a certain grudging respect for him when I saw it. Despite the bitterness and pain my words aroused in him, he did not dismiss them. The guardian listened with the utmost care and attention, weighing each word against his own impressions. Could it really be possible that carrying out his duty was endangering Yuna, and that she refused, out of respect to talk to him about it, until now?

Auron made a valiant effort to compose himself while he thought. His face, though still obviously showing his agony, was nowhere near as severe as it had been moments ago. Yet, he was still shaken to his core. He'd existed ten long years beyond his own death for the sole purpose of fulfilling a pair of promises made to his closest friends. Over time, I'd slowly come to the realization that there was more for him to those promises than mere duty, he craved the chance to redeem himself for...something I didn't quite understand yet, some mistake that was still too painful to relate fully, even to me. All that was in danger, if what I was saying to him were even possible. Could the man survive having his illusions shattered again?

"This isn't about me! Yuna is stronger than that. She's pursued this pilgrimage because it's what she wanted, not because I forced her to. Anything I've done has been in support of her decisions, not making them for her." He had regained some of his confidence as well, although his voice was still quite shaky and unsure. Auron still didn't have the force of belief behind his statements that he required.

Auron could have said anything, and at this point, his words would have had little impact on me. I responded mostly to his body language, the telling signs that he was devoid of his accustomed dignity and confidence, his precious control. It tore open further the already-gaping wound in my heart. How much more of this must I endure? I'd made my point hadn't I? Couldn't I relent a little, stop hurting him and begin to apologize, begin to win back his trust?

I frantically searched for a way to end this nightmare. "Yunie? What has he said to you...what did you discuss? He tried to force you to continue, didn't he?" It was a leading question, full of my residual anger at Auron for making this so difficult on all of us.

The dazed look dissipated slowly from her face and she shook her head slowly, speaking for the first time since I arrived. "He...helped me decide. But, Rikku, he refused to tell me what to do, even when I put the question to him directly. He knows better than that. He said...the only real answers to my questions were in Zanarkand." She was confidence incarnate. "And that's where I'm going. I don't know exactly what I'll do when I get there, but I know I couldn't live with myself if I didn't find out everything before I made my decision."

I was utterly unable to argue with that. In the space of a few seconds, I watched, helpless as I exchanged figurative positions with Auron. Suddenly, I was the obstacle keeping Yuna from what she desired. My confidence evaportated and a torrent of guilt rushed in to take its place. I'd done serious damage to my relationship with Auron, possibly even destroying it, and worse, presumed to act in my cousin's best interestes without thinking to ask her first. How could I be so stupid?

"I...I'm sorry Yunie. I...should have known better. It's just, he's always been, well, he always seemed to want to push you onward even when you weren't sure. I had to know, I couldn't let him do it to you this time!" I was everything I had accused Auron of being.

Yuna nodded and flashed me a reassuring look. "Really, it's ok. You were both looking out for me, in your own ways. I guess what we need to realize is that we do need to talk these things over before they come to...this..." She spread her hand wide and gestured to include myself and Auron. Ever the peacemaker, Yuna...saving your saviors from each other...it would be funny if it weren't so serious.

Auron didn't gloat in his victory. He simply accepted Yuna's words with a short, tired nod and exited the tent satisfied that the worst was over. I was hesitant to follow him, but I also knew that I would be unable to do anything until I started to make peace with him again. Bidding Yuna good night, and offering another inadequate apology for my actions and outburst, I departed the tent as well.

The swordsman stood by the embers of the dying fire, retrieving his clothing and dressing himself. When he was finished with the task, he folded his arms across his chest and stood with his back to me, likely aware of my presence. I inhaled sharply, preparing myself to face him without Yuna there to temper his anger. I closed the distance between us, gingerly extended my arms around his waist, and buried my head in his robed back.

"Auron..." I never got to finish the thought. Booted, synchronized footsteps became audible in the distance, coming from the direction of Bevelle. Shit! We'd been discovered.

"We'll talk later, wake the others and tell them to prepare for battle." His gloved right hand squeezed mine briefly before he strode forward, out of my embrace, to make his own preparations. This time, there would be no argument...I followed his instructions gladly.


	23. Pursuit

Chapter 23

The urgency in Auron's orders did not go unnoticed. His long strides ate up the ground between himself and his own tent before he ducked into the canvas structure, presumably to retrieve his weapon. My own legs were short and wobbly in comparison. I ran as well as I could manage to the tents of each of my fellow guardians, and finally to Yuna's, altering each to the imminent arrival of our pursuers. Finally, I dashed into my own tent, groped around in the dark for my claw and felt myself fastening it to my right arm, purely by instinct in the darkness. 

When the weapon was secure, I left the shelter much the same way I'd entered, on feet made unsteady by the combined pressures of impending attack and my encounter with Auron and Yuna. In the back of my mind, I harbored no doubt that the elder guardian would have little difficulty compartmentalizing his emotions in such a way as to permit him to focus completely on the upcoming battle. I was a different story entirely. As much as I adored the swordsman and yearned to pick up even a modicum of his self-control, I was utterly unable to quell my nerves. A sigh escaped me as I met the others in front of the dying fire at the center of our campsite. There was precious little time for self-examination at the moment. I endeavored to focus all of my thoughts and energies on the events that were about to transpire.

From the noise that our pursuers made no effort to hide, there was little doubt that they comprised a sizable force. Likely, each individual soldier would lack the skill that each of our guardians had with his or her chosen weapon although their numbers and superior armament would more than make up the difference. My fevered mind began to envision the worst scenarios that could befall our party. For once, I was glad not to be in a position of authority. Auron was right...as always. Such things were better left to those who had the capacity to maintain their cool under the most difficult of circumstances.

The muffled pounding of troops in lock step grew louder and more disconcerting with each passing second. I lost all track of time as I stood in dread, capable only of waiting for them to finally reveal themselves. My companions held hushed conversations, verbalizing their concerns over what to expect, Tidus with Yuna, Wakka with Lulu. Kimahri and Auron, veteran warriors they were, remained silent and alert, keeping aware for any information that might aid them in whatever lay ahead. Ordinarily, I wouldn't have hesitated to speak to Auron, to avail myself of his knowledge, his experience...and his ability to calm my frayed nerves. However, my actions and words to Auron in Yuna's tent created a gulf betwixt us that would be long in healing, if it ever did.

Our attackers finally became visible through the brush as they moved swiftly in a pincer formation to surround us. The forces of the enemy appeared to be a combination of Yevon warrior monks and the Guado soldiers who always accompanied Maester Seymour. When the grunts were in position and the officers believed us safely contained, the senior warrior monk made an impatient motion with his hand. The ranks began to part from the rear to the front and two dark forms made their way forward. Even shadowed, I could make out that the taller and lankier of the pair was clad in elaborate finery and his hair arranged in an outlandish fashion. Seymour. But who was the other, shorter one with the shaven head and simple, foot length robe? Kinoc?

We didn't have to wait long to find out. The pair strode confidently past the front line of troops, taking care only to maintain their distance from each other and confirming my guesses as to their identities. So, they didn't trust each other...good. Maybe it was something we could use to our advantage. We would need everything we could muster to have a chance of prevailing against the force arrayed in front of, and around us. No words passed between the two Maesters of Yevon, their differences irreconcilable. Each eyed the other suspiciously, going to great lengths to hide his distrust of his supposed ally.

The soldiers of both factions were present for a reason, and the slightest hand motion from the hybrid Maester caused the monk standing behind Kinoc to take a couple of silent steps foward. I was mildly surprised at the fact that the warrior monk obeyed Seymour, since it was technically Kinoc to whom the monks owed their loyalty. Seymour must be consolidating his hold on the Yevon hierarchy, which could only have disastrous consequences for any rivals. The other Maester appeared to be oblivious to the motion and the signal behind him, instead focusing his attention on Auron.

The old friends locked gazes and an indecipherable look formed on what I could see of Auron's coutenance. Since the encounter in Yuna's tent, he'd donned his familiar collar and dark glasses which served to obscure his facial expressions quite well. His gloved right hand strayed to the handle of the katana strapped to his back, but did not yet begin to draw the weapon. The gesture must have been intended as a warning, as if to say that Auron would fight Kinoc if need be, regardless of their history. I imagined that I knew Auron well enough to wager all the gil I had that his demeanor was one of pained regret, and of course, Auron would never want another person to become aware of it. Not even me, perhaps me least of all.

Neither of the friends addressed one another, their feelings and loyalties far beyond any mode of conveyance offered by mere words. Did Auron share my suspiscions about what Seymour would order next? Had he even caught the minute gesture made by the Maester and the corresponding movement behind Kinoc? I had no manner of warning Auron of my sense of foreboding quickly enough. Another flick of Seymour's wrist commanded the monk to fix the bayonet on his rifle and lunge forward, plunging the weapon into the unprotected back of his leader. The weapon struck true and the bald Maester slumped to the ground. A smug look passed over Seymour's pale face.

I glanced hurriedly from Seymour to Auron just in time for the latter's anguished shout. "Kinoc!" For once, the red robed guardian did not bother to hide the emotion that claimed him. He spasmed visibly as the body of the last remaining link to his former life impacted the ground. His hand did not leave the weapon strapped to his back. The swordsman's eye narrowed behind his glasses and he whipped the blade out of its scabbard, falling into a combat stance and readying it in front of him instead of resting it on his shoulder as was his custom. The rest of the guardians and Yuna followed suit, adopting their own battle stances and looking to Auron for direction.

Impulsively, Tidus called out. "Why, you!" I had the impression that Auron would rather have put the question to Seymour had he not been preempted by the blitzballer.

Calmly, Seymour regarded each of us in turn, a perverse smile spreading over his features. His voice remained calm and level, perhaps to mock us, especially Auron. "I have saved him. He was a man who craved power. And great power he had, but he feared losing it. Trembling at unseen enemies, scheming petty schemes." The hybrid Maester's gaze bore into Auron, his haunting words taking a further toll on the already beleaguered guardian. To Auron's credit, he did not shrink beneath the Maester's chilling look or his words.

Seymour continued in the same infuriatingly sweet monotone. "Chased by his fears, never knowing rest. You see..." The statement clearly carried a double meaning. Seymour must have been hinting that deep inside, Auron shared the same kind of existence. An Unsent tortured by regrets of a life long gone. "Now he has no worries. He has been granted sleep eternal."

The Maester's tone at once took on a taunting quality and he did not look away from Auron. Did Seymour really think he'd discovered somekind of eternal, irrefutable truth he felt the need to rub the guardian's face in? "Death is a sweet slumber. All the pain of life is gently swept away...ah, yes." Was he taking satisfaction in this macabre revelation? "So you see...if all life were to end in Spira, all suffering would end. Don't you see? Do you not agree?" The last was uttered in a gentle, enticing tone. Seymour truly believed his own words and hoped to evoke the same kind of belief in his captive audience.

Auron could barely restrain himself. The weight of another friend's death had fully impacted him now, combined with the events of earlier this evening, and the everpresent pull of the Farplane hinted at by Seymour tore the guardian wide open. He tried to steady his massive weapon in his shaky hands, but his fury refused to acquiesce. For the first time I could recall, I was thankful that his features were hidden from view. I shuddered when I envisioned what must be displayed on them at this moment. He remained silent but his rage crescendoed in a terrible cacophony of feeling and cascaded over me through the borrowed bits of his emotion I still held within. I clenched my fists instinctively and hated myself for my cruelty to the man earlier this evening, for never having had the opportunity to patch things up with him afterward. How could I have known this would happen? I hated him, too, for being capable of this depth of feeling after so many years of maintaining himself within his predetermined bounds. It would have been so much easier if he truly were dead inside instead of simply electing to believe the lie that had sustained him.

This rage...it was both fresh and old. The feelings that threatened to take him over completely were on the verge of doing so. An echo from the past demonstrated what would happen if Auron gave in or lost the struggle. It was the same way he must have felt when he returned to Zanarkand ten years ago, alone, to demand answers from Yunalesca. The very same dangerous passion that had ultimately driven him to his death. I wanted to shout at him...Step back from it, Auron! Don't give in! I could not find my voice. The words I yearned to say bubbled up lethargically from the depths of my mind and died on my tongue. After the third try, I gave up on vocalizing them and repeated them within my own head, desperately willing him to be aware of my warnings, and my underlying affection for him. I prayed to any entity greater than myself that Auron would find the strength to prevail.

Auron won the battle for the moment, and we watched, transfixed as Seymour turned to face Yuna and continue his monologue on the merits of death. "That, Yuna, is why I need you. Come, Lady Yuna. Come with me to Zanarkand, the lost city of the dead." He beckoned her toward him with voice and hands. "With death on our side, we will save Spira, and for this...I will take from you, Yuna, your strength, your life, and become the next Sin. I will destroy Spira, I will save it!" Passion slowly crept into Seymour's voice as he outlined his plan. He seemed particularly inspired every time he mentioned death.

Yuna regarded him in complete horror and shook her head slowly. She opened her mouth to speak a blunt refusal to him, but Seymour raised a hand to forestall her. "Very well, I will give you your death, you seem to want it so." How very presumptuous of him...to the Guado leader, all roads must, of necessity, point toward death. He slowly raised the rod in his left hand, spoke a single word, and the soldiers in his immediate area fell to the ground, clutching their chests. Their forms and Kinoc's burst apart into a swarm of pyreflies, which rose and swirled around the Maester's glowing body.

Seymour's eyes closed and he glanced heavenward. In a blinding flash of light, his humanoid body was replaced by a large off-white form bearing amethyst-hued armor and wings. The vast majority of the remaining warrior monks reacted to the transformation with pure terror. Most dropped their weapons and ran in the direction of Bevelle. Never had I thought I'd see the crack warrior monks of Yevon break formation and run. Only a handful of the Guado remained beside their leader, prepared to follow him even in this incarnation.

In that instant, Auron found his voice and unleashed his temper on the alien-looking Seymour. "He may no longer have been the man I once knew, but Kinoc was my friend, Seymour. You will pay for his death!" Such a display was decidedly unlike Auron, but I could identify with what he was feeling. The sensation and the word resonated within me and I found myself moved by his display of loyalty for a friend who, in the end, had ceased to be himself and betrayed Auron. The pain in his voice was tangible and the captive emotions and memories of his that I held magnified the sensation.

Auron didn't wait for Seymour to respond to the threat. He launched himself at the monster that had taken Seymour's place, but still possessed the Maester's awareness. Auron's burning anger allowed him to invoke a powerful, and seldom-used technique. The result of his lightning-quick strike were devastating. The creature reeled from the blow, a terrible gash opened in its flesh even through the armor shell. A sickly green liquid oozed from the wound as the creature flailed its limbs to preclude a repeat of the attack. Auron retreated to the safety of the the group, where he fell back to regain his stamina and prepare for his next assault.

Yuna used the opportunity to begin chanting a series of protective spells to shield herself and each guardian from physical and magical harm. Her shields would not be strong enough to prevent our taking damage from either kind of attack, although they would act to significantly reduce the impact of whatever Seymour would throw at us. Emboldened by the protections, Tidus followed Auron's lead and charged at Seymour, preparing to execute a daring, potentially fatal blow. His strike failed to find its mark as expertly as Auron's had, but still managed to inflict heavy damage on the Maester's grotesque body.

This time, Seymour was better prepared for the attack and took the blow, but had a counterattack in mind for the moment in which Tidus would be vulnerable following his charge. The creature lashed out with a series of elemental spells cast in swift succession, striking multiple party members. The blitzball player's return to the group was harried by the repeated flamestrikes, and I found myself engulfed in a firestorm, as did Wakka and Lulu. Yuna did her best to heal what damage she could, but her efforts alone would not be sufficient to repair the harm we suffered. I reached into my belt pouch and withdrew a potion, took a sip, and passed it to Wakka, instructing him to do the same. Between the two of us, Yuna and I managed to keep the rest of the guardians on their feet and prepared for the next round of battle.

Seymour seized the initiative as we recovered, launching a Flare spell at the right side of our formation. The shields cast by Yuna performed their function, and what would have been a searing assault of heat and light was lessened to a painful hail of discomfort. I felt the strength of the wards begin to fade after absorbing the brunt of the Flare, and wondered how long they would hold up if the battle continued this way. Fervently, I urged Yuna to summon her most powerful Aeon, focusing all of her desperation into calling forth the being in an enraged state.

My cousin took the suggestion and began chanting an invocation of her newest Aeon, Bahamut. Wakka and Kimahri kept Seymour distracted while she completed the spell, giving and taking minor blows, but accomplishing nothing other than inflicting some additional wounds. Their efforts bought her enough time to complete the chant, and soon, the cloud-shrouded sky seemed to part as a ferocious dragon streamed toward our position. Wisely, the group members ducked out of the way just in time for the beast's arrival. Yuna's plea must have succeeded, because Bahamut launched a Flare of his own that dwarfed Seymour's in magnitude. The spell was so intense that I averted my eyes for fear of damaging them merely by watching the light that engulfed Seymour's body.

Bahamut's attack was not quite sufficient to finish off the Maester, and with a single gesture, Seymour created a shockwave that traveled through the air and banished the Aeon. The ripple impacted more than just the summon, the backlash continued on to the Summoner herself, causing Yuna to tumble backward without making any effort to break the fall. Instinctively, I rushed to the side of my fallen cousin, too late to intercept her before she hit the ground, but I made an attempt to shelter her from the followup that Seymour was sure to make. Sure enough, mere seconds after killing the Aeon, Seymour pressed his advantage and launched a barrage of spells toward myself and my cousin. My failing shield absorbed the first few collisions, but the stream of bolts persisted. They began hitting in rapid succession, forcing me into extreme pain and finally, blackness.

Seeing Yuna and Rikku go down within second of each other boded poorly for our group. In no uncertain terms, I instructed the remainder of the guardians to hold their positions and focus on eliminating Seymour. Further attempts to aid our Summoner, hurt though she may be, or Rikku, could only end in further casualties. Training and experience compelled me to remain calm as the two people who mattered most to me lay unconscious, in Yevon knew what state of injury. I tore my gaze from the their lax bodies and prepared to make another attack on Seymour.

My blade suddenly seemed heavier than I remembered, my movements slow and labored in comparison to normal. Seymour must have attempted to sap my strength and energy. I tried to resist the assault as best I was able, but could not put as much momentum behind my strike as I would have hoped. When I did swing, the blade slid harmlessly along the armor of the creature, clattering ineffectually to the ground. Straining, I moved the sword back to its resting place on my right shoulder and retreated to our line. Wakka saw me struggling and handed me the remainder of the potion I'd seen Rikku hand him earlier in the engagement. If I had the energy, I would have scowled at him, but he was right, I needed the contents of that bottle to be of any further use in the battle. I poured the rest of the liquid into my mouth, swallowed, and felt my strength begin to return.

In the meantime, Tidus, Kimahri, and Wakka had been preparing a simultaneous attack, hoping to deliver the killing blow. I watched them as I waited for the potion to remove the last traces of Seymour's spell from my body. From different directions, all three charged the towering monster, while Lulu hurled a bolt of energy at it to draw Seymour's attention. The ploy worked. While Seymour moved to evade the magical projectile, he fell right into the trap set by the others, realizing it too late to escape their attacks. When they were finished, Seymour's form lay on the ground, unmoving and fading quickly. He reverted to his more familiar, half-Guado appearance, cluctching his abdomen.

Before the others could move in to prevent an escape, the Maester's retainers hauled him to his feet and ran back toward Bevelle as quickly as they could bearing their burden. Tidus looked in my direction.

"Should we follow?" he asked.

I shook my head. "Yuna's safety is our first priority. We should see how badly she's hurt, and begin making preparations to leave. Seymour won't be foolish enough to fail again, and when he makes his next try, we should be as far from this place as possible."

Tidus nodded in understanding, and with Kimahri, removed Rikku's crumpled form from its place on top of her cousin, carrying her toward her tent. Wakka and Lulu stood guard to make sure that no one would interfere without our recovery and care of the wounded. I went to Yuna's side and knelt, placing one hand on her shoulder, and shaking her gently.

A muffled, incoherent sound escaped her. Good, at least she was regaining conciousness. "How are you feeling?" I inquired.

She dragged herself to a sitting position, using my body for support, and then rubbed her head with both hands. "Ok...I think, for the most part. I have a splitting headache, though. We won, I take it?"

I nodded, thankful that the headache appeared to be the only lasting result of Seymour's attack. Briefly, I recounted what took place after she'd lost consciousness.

"Rikku...is she going to be ok?"

"Kimahri and Tidus took her to one of the tents. I haven't been to see her yet, so I don't know anything about her condition." I endeavored to remove all traces of emotion from my voice. It was more difficult than usual, through my mental, physical, and emotional fatigue. There would be time to rest, later, when we were safely away. Until then, I could not afford to indulge in the luxury of thought beyond our immediate needs. Kinoc's death, like Rikku...would have to wait, I thought regrettably.

Yuna regarded me with a puzzled look. "You should go to her, she needs you more than I do."

Not this again...not now, Yuna, I begged silently. Please just accept my decisions without argument. But I could not force my views on her, she was, afterall, the Summoner and I the guardian irregardless of age or experience. In the end it was her pilgrimage above all else, her life on the line, her battle with Sin...except she had no way of knowing it wasn't quite that simple. That was a discussion, and a revelation, for another time. More harshly than I intented, I explained, "No one ever needs me more than my Summoner."

If possible, she looked even more shocked. A few seconds later, her expression changed to an amused smile. What was she up to? "In that case, Sir Auron, your Summoner requires you to check up on Rikku's condition," she ordered, her tone only half serious. "Really, I'm fine."

I helped her to her feet and she took a few steps as if to demonstrate that she would be alright on her own. Arguing further with her would have been pointless, so I did as she suggested. When I peeked into Rikku's tent, she was still unconscious. Tidus and Kimahri must have bandaged her wounds while I spoke with Yuna. I thought for a moment, and then called Yuna over.

We decided to begin breaking camp and set out for the Calm Lands. I was fairly sure that I could carry the Al Bhed the required distance with little trouble, since staying here would put all of us in danger. While the others set about dismantling the tents, putting out the fire, and packing the supplies, I wrapped Rikku securely in her blankets and lifted her gently into my arms. It took me a few tries to find a position that was comfortable for both of us, and that I could bear to maintain over the distance ahead of us.


End file.
